Brad's Place

Life in a Nutshell Part 3

2011-05-10T09:24:00.000-04:00

NOISE POLLUTION (and other teenage hobbies)

*January 1988 -- Unfortunately, teenagers are the same worldwide. These were also the days before cell phones and several anti-psychotic medications. We had, literally, one phone per floor which was in the hallway nextto my room in our Air Force dorm at Sembach Air Base.

A couple of days ago, I brought my girlfriend to my room for a romantic evening alone without the trivialities of life to interrupt us. I lit a few candles, turned off the lights, put some Jimmy Buffett on the C.D. player, and took out my expensive bottle of wine that I'd bought that afternoon. I unscrewed the cap on the wine and poured a little into one of the plastic shot glasses that I had "acquired" from the club and let her taste it. I then let her sniff the cap like they do in the movies and she said it was fine. I was being very suave, debonair, and slick as I offered her one of the hors d'oeuvres I'd made from left-over bologna. Then I made my move. I kissed her cheek just as Jimmy got to the second verse of "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me". As I leaned over to give her a kiss that would surely set her toes aflame and make her gasp for air... the guys in the room next to mine started playing Kool Heavy Moe G and the Rappin' Dudes at 200,000 decibels! Needless to say, the mood that I, as a gracious host, had done my best to create all evening was blown away by a simple turn of the stereo volume knob from 2 to 10.

This DID NOT make me happy.

There are several things such as stereos that go up to 300,000 decibels at 1 a.m. that should be outlawed. One such thing is walking into the room of a man who thinks that Hustler is a magazine which is as journalistically practical as Newsweek or Time and likes to put them, and the assorted pictures which are included in such magazines, on display for all to see.

I'm not going to say that I have never browsed through a publication such as this. Every now and then, I will saunter over to the "adult entertainment" section of the bookstore and, when no one else is looking, I will carefully look through the respective articles of a "Playboy" or "Maxi-jugs" out of professional curiosity and to keep up on world events. (These magazines do tend to show the female side of world news makers in a much different light than, say, USA Today) But to put these magazines and pictures on display like they were sitting on a table in the doctor's office is insane! If I had these publications on display in my room, my girlfriend would find the nearest lighter and make sure that she was the last person who ever saw them in my room again.

Another of the atrocities which befalls humankind is the 2 hour phone call. For people like me who live in a dormitory with only one phone per floor, this can become an irritation of catastrophic proportions. These people don't think that while they're talking to the girl they're trying to impress, who happens to live in the building just across the street, Joe Bob Billy Earl is sitting in his room waiting patiently for Romeo to get off the phone so that Joe Bob’s family can call from the states and tell him whether his little sister got "Best of Show" at the annual pig festival for the 4th year in a row.

But does this person, who could just walk across the street and be married to the girl he's talking to in the time it takes him to ask her out, care? NO! So, Joe Bob Billy Earl gets into big trouble because he cuts the cord leading from the wall to the phone with his buck knife while Romeo is still on the phone. Romeo does get the hint, though, when he sees Joe standing over him, frothing at the mouth, eyes bugging out, and holding his knife to Romeo's throat while he holds him up by his hair, thus ending the man's extended phone calls.

These people are the cause of a great many crimes, murders and television talk shows which take place in the country today. Certain people get fed up with waiting for people to get off the phone or get sick of others playing their music so loud as to allow people in the next state to hear distinctly what the words to the song in question are, so they do the only thing they know of to do about such people. They either go get their shotgun out of the rack and shoot the person or the stereo, whichever happens to get in the way of the buckshot, or they wait for the person to leave his or her house and they go in and take the stereo plus the T.V. and any other appliance, such as a Cuisenart or even a crock pot, which may be used to produced noise unpleasant to one's ears. People do not then sell these appliances to a pawn shop and take the risk of having the previous owner buy it back, they take great pleasure in covering the appliances with gasoline and setting a well-lit match to it.

So, the next time your house gets robbed and they only take major appliances such as the T.V. and stereo, just ask your son or daughter how loud they have been playing it while you're not home. The answer could be right next door.

Life in a Nutshell, Part 2

2011-05-09T09:54:00.002-04:00

CHAPTER ONE: OFF WE GO, WEARING OUR TIGHT PAJAMAS

SEMBACH AIR BASE, WEST GERMANY – 1987-1988

In 1987, my plane landed in Frankfurt, West Germany, for my tour of duty at Sembach Air Base. I had no idea what to expect, didn’t know a word of German, and thought that I would be there fighting the spread of communism from East Germany.

On my first day in country, my sponsor, Monty, took me to a German Pub. On the second night, I saw “The Wraith” at the Sembach Tiger Paw movie theater. That pretty much describes my stay -- drunk one night, seeing a bad movie the next.

As will happen, I became homesick and didn’t take advantage of what I had while I was there. I didn’t have to learn the language, my girlfriend spoke it fluently. I didn’t have to stay sober, she would drive. I apologize to her and everybody else who knew me at that time, but at least we had some great castles to look at!

What follows is a collection of articles and writings from that time. It seems that no matter where I am, I am always longing for someplace else…

GOD HELP THE FASHIONLESS!

* May 1988 -- From what I hear, dressing rooms in Germany have not improved since I wrote this. I did return on my way to Kosovo in 2007 but had no want to go clothes shopping. I just hope that other men have an easier time than I did!

I would like to know who in the world designs the layouts for the floors of department stores.

I went to the Ramstein Air Force Base's main exchange yesterday to go shopping with my girlfriend. Mistake #1: never go shopping with a female unless you have another female that she can ask fashion advice from. No matter what you tell her about whatever it is she's trying on, she'll look at you as if to say “if only you had any fashion sense”. In my case, this is for a reason…I have none. She was looking for a dress to wear in her sister's wedding at the end of the month and she just could not make up her mind.

Now, to me, going into a dressing room and trying on four or five different outfits is like having your wisdom teeth taken out without anesthetic…it's a very slow and painful process. Especially when the female that you're with lets you try on all fifteen outfits she has picked for you and then says "I don't know, try the first one again." But women are born to it. They love to spend seven or eight hours complaining about how fat they look in one outfit or how short they look in another.

I don't mind waiting for her to try on different outfits as long as I either have a good book along, which I stash in her purse since I always get stuck holding onto it while she's trying on the entire Sears catalogue, or there's a place for me to sit down. I'll even read those women's magazines that they always put on the table between the chairs, although I wish they would give us Field and Stream every once in a while.

But I was not that lucky yesterday. As a matter of fact, I went through what can only be described as “Hell for Men”. The lady's dressing room was smack in the middle of the lady's lingerie department! I'm not a shy person by any means, but I really hate spending half of my day standing around in a place where frilly unmentionables are hung out on little frilly unmentionables hangers for everybody and their mother to come by and see. What is the purpose of that? This is the reason we have so many wackos and weirdoes running amuck today. Men who used to be civilized gentlemen and worked in nice, air-conditioned offices walk by the unmentionables section and suddenly a trigger goes off in their brains.

"Why, that garter belt hanging on that little hanger looks just like the garter belt my ex-wife wore when I found her in bed with the milkman! I hate that garter belt!"

Then this poor shell of humanity watches an all-day Sylvester Stallone film festival, buys a shotgun and shoots up a McDonalds, because statistics prove that most women who wear garter belts eat at McDonalds. The police shoot him and all they find on his person is his wallet and a crumpled garter belt between his teeth.

I don't really think that I could bring myself to buy men's briefs the same way that women buy theirs. I could just see it now:

"Excuse me, sir, do you think that my significant other would like it if he came home and I was wearing nothing but these?" a guy with an earring would ask me while holding up a pair of pink and purple polka-dotted briefs on a little hanger.

"Get away from me before I put your head through the one-way mirror in the dressing room." I would kindly reply.

While I was stuck waiting for my girlfriend to get through with her clothing ritual, I was asked for fashion advice by a woman who wanted to know if the dress she had on looked Hawaiian enough for the luau she was going to that night. I told her that if there was going to be a luau in Germany, nobody else would know what real Hawaiian dress looked like anyway. I was stared at quite frequently and called a pervert twice for standing in the unmentionables section. One girl asked me to come over to the house and see her unmentionables when she caught me looking at something that looked like it wouldn't have been big enough to put on a Cabbage Patch doll. Thank God my girlfriend walked out when she did.

If there are any people out there who design the arrangement of store floors, please remember us from now on. We are the ones who get to suffer because women want to look good. All we ask for is chairs and a dressing room that is as far away from the unmentionables section as possible. We'd really appreciate a copy of Field and Stream or Pro Wrestling Weekly on the table, too. And if God is reading this, I hope she'll stop convincing women to stay in the dressing room so long.

Life in a Nutshell Part 1

2011-05-09T09:37:00.003-04:00

This was originally going to be a book when I started writing long, long ago. Maybe it still will be someday. For now, I am going to put entries here on the blog just because I want to.

On November 25, 1985, I left my home in Rockville, Indiana, to go to Air Force Basic Training at Lackland Air Force Base, Texas.

I haven't stopped since then. Three Air Force bases (Lackland; Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland; and Sembach Air Base, West Germany when there still was a WEST Germany), a couple of colleges (Indiana State University, where I would meet my future wife in 1989, included), several towns and cities (Rockville, Terre Haute, Indianapolis and Logansport, Indiana; Bryan, Ohio; Longwood, Florida and Arlington, Virginia… among others), several girlfriends (who will remain anonymous to protect them from scorn), one ex-wife (Noelle), one current and final wife (Angela), and an Army career later, I can finally look back at what I have written and smile.

Why did I pick this particular time to put my memories together in one place? That's the simple part -- I now have a computer at home.

Okay, so maybe it's not that simple. This may take some explaining, so you had better sit down someplace comfortable and relax while we go back in time a bit. No, that's all right, go get yourself something to drink, we'll just sit here and wait…don't worry about us... we'll put our lives on hold while your thirst is quenched. I understand.

*While they're gone, let me tell you about the time I caught them all in the Jacuzzi at the Motel 6 in Gas City, Indiana, with one of the waitresses from the bar, a can of Cheez-Whiz and 12 mallard ducks! It involved...

Oh, hi! Back so soon? All right then, on we go.

I suppose that being a smart-aleck comes easily to most people, but most people are also taught how to control that part of their personality. To this day, I don't know why, but my Father never attempted to stifle that part of me. Maybe he just liked watching me get into trouble day after day -- my Father could be more of a sadist than I give him credit for. Or maybe he just figured in 1985 that the military would drill that part of my personality away.

Fat chance.

As a matter of fact, it was because of my time in the military that I became interested in writing. While I was stationed at Andrews Air Force Base, I discovered books by the now-late Lewis Grizzard. I felt as if I had found a gold mine! I also found other people named Dave, Mark and Narda (actual name, I swear) who were just as sarcastic as I was. Had I landed on another planet where people were more like me? No, I had just gotten out of my little town and started discovering the world.

Once I was transferred to Sembach Air Base, the floodgates opened. I had nothing else to do on a daily basis but to drink during my time off, sit at the typewriter in the office of a friend, and write articles when I was supposed to be working. Therefore, I became an alcoholic writer who didn't get a lot of work done.

In each of the following entries, I will take you through the progression of my life as an Air Force enlistee, a student at Indiana State University, a bad actor, a comic book writer, an Army sergeant, a civil servant and as a human being who is still finding his way around this great big ball called Earth -- Mars was already taken. You will find introductory paragraphs in italics and preceded by a star (*). These are comments which I have made looking back now about what I had written as well as, in most cases, when the date they were written. Sometimes, things need to be explained and expanded on, but most of the time, I just want to get in my two cents worth.

So read on. Put some Jimmy Buffett on the CD Player, get another Diet Coke, and put up your feet as I tell you about my life... in a nutshell.

Go to PART 2 here.

Military Barganing Chip

2011-04-11T16:10:00.002-04:00

I hate to say it but I have become numb to most of the dealings in Washington D.C. I lived in Arlington, Virginia, long enough to know that if you want government to work, first you have to get rid of government.

But over the past week, our elected officials have been using the military, once again, as a political barganing chip in order to pass "their" version of the budget.

Democrats and Republicans both have said that by not passing their version of the budget, military men and women will not get paid... and that's just a crime!

Guess what? It's all a crime! The fact that they will use the military as a way to tug at the heart-strings of the American voter, saying that "[insert opposition party here] is killing our men and women in uniform by not passing the budget we have proposed" is ludicris!

How is it that these people still have jobs? I do my job in uniform and I think I do it well. I do what is asked of me. Why can't they?

Post Surgery Update

2010-05-23T09:48:00.002-04:00

"The cancer is gone."

Hearing those four words from my urologist two days after my surgery made me think that this was the greatest man in the world.

On Monday, May 17, I was put under in order for Dr. Sprunger to remove my right kidney due to a growth which turned out to be cancer. The removal, or nephrectomy, turned out to be a piece of cake for me... I slept through it. The wife had the hard part. She had to remain awake and entertain the family members and friends who had come to the hospital that day.

I don't remember much of Monday after the surgery. A morphine-like pain killer made sure of that. I do, however, remember waking up and not being happy about the placement of more than a few of the tubes that were now in and on my body. Pure oxygen tends to dry out my throat.

I was told later that I talked to several people that day but I don't remember any of it, so I apologize to those I spoke to.

I do remember insisting on getting up to walk to my window that night. I was told that amazed my nurses. It's nice to know I can still be amazing into old age.

By the way, just a word about Community North Hospital in Indianapolis... Wow! If you must have surgery or be placed in the hospital, make it Community North. We all swear that it is supposed to be a Hotel but somebody let the doctors come in.

I had been given an epidural in order to make my pain that much less during the surgery and recovery. One of the possible problems with this was that it could cause itching. In my case, this was magnified to the point of distraction. It was then that I knew there might be a problem.

My wife was my rock throughout the entire stay, remaining at the hospital and sleeping in a chair by my bedside. Without her, I don't know if I would have done as well as I did.

By Wednesday, I was sitting up and walking three times a day around the ward. The tubes had all been removed and I felt I was ready to go home... then the sickness started. After the first bout of sickness, I was taken off of the morphine and put onto a lighter pain medication. I did fine but the food you get to eat on a liquid diet leaves much to be desired.

On Thursday, I was REALLY ready to go home. Luckily, the doctor agreed. I went home with a prescription for Percocet. This was all good and fine but I couldn't understand why I was still throwing up. The wife also learned how to give me my daily blood-thinner shot of Lovenol.

After two days of battling my system and thinking there was something wrong with me, we finally called and were told that I am a "medicine lightweight". I got a prescription for a Tylenol based pain reliever and learned that only one would make me feel better.

So now, I sit at home watching MacGyver on DVD and trying to get better. Thank you to everybody who has sent me well-wishes and know that I am getting better little by little.

We're making a film entitled "Disorient" at Muscatatuck Urban Training Center on June 5th and 6th and I want to be as clost to 100% long before that.

Life Changes Forever

2010-03-21T20:34:00.003-04:00

"Every time I get an x-ray of you back, I get more worried."

This is the first thing that my Urologist, Dr. Moore, said to me when he walked into the exam room I was waiting in.

Just two weeks earlier, I had gone to my general practitioner, Dr. Pinetta, because of abdominal pain and blood in the stool. I had no idea what to expect except that I was getting older day by day. I believed that I would be told that I needed to change my diet now that I was well over 40 years old.

But Dr. Pinetta found something I wasn't expecting at all.

"I think I can feel the edge of your liver," Dr. Pinetta calmly said as he pushed on my mid-section.

Maybe it's just me being a bit over-sensitive, but having a doctor say that he can feel the edge of my liver like it's not an everyday event scared me just a bit.

Of course, then he gave me the infamous "over-40 finger test". (If you don't know what I'm talking about, just ask your father... or grandfather... and watch him shiver)

I was referred to a Gastroenteroligist (gut-doctor, as I call him) named Dr. Matthew Harrison who felt around my stomach, explaining what he was doing the entire time to my worried-looking wife. He was nice enough that he didn't even look askance at me when he referred me further to a Urologist... or when he told me that I had to have an ultrasound and a (gasp!) colonoscopy. (Again, shivers down the spine)

Then it was on to the ultrasound. Little word of advice; if you are male, don't ask the ultrasound tech to tell you what the sex of your baby is when they put the ultrasound goop on your stomach. No sense of humor there.

When I met Dr. Moore for the first time, he struck me as a no-nonsense doctor. I like that even if the wife doesn't. I like a doctor who doesn't do small talk. At least, he didn't do any small talk until he, too, decided to give me the over-40 finger test. That's right, guys, twice in one week! (Double shiver!)

It was also at this time that I learned that I had what was being called a cyst on my right kidney. Scary to hear but completely treatable, especially if you had been eating and drinking like I had for my entire life. McDonald's was not just a treat, it was a way of life, and I think I drank more water accidentally going to the pool than I did the rest of the year.

To put it bluntly, my diet sucked and always has.

Now we come to the colonoscopy. Gentlemen, I must admit that this procedure is something that needs to be done every once in a while and the procedure itself is a breeze! You're asleep. However, the two days leading up to it...

My procedure was scheduled for Tuesday at 11 a.m. No problem, I told myself. Unfortunately, the fine print of this contract states that you have to stop eating before breakfast the day before!

Now I don't eat big meals, I eat small portions every twenty minutes if I can help it. I have fasted before. Mostly from the midnight before to blood test time in the morning. I couldn't eat for over 36 hours!

But that's not all... you are also told to drink a fun little concoction that is designed to clean you out. That's right, the only thing you can have besides water is something that will guarantee you become one with the toilet for about 16 hours.

By the time I got to the appointment, I had a headache that was so bad, the doctor and wonderful nurses gave me Demoral in order to stop it. Have I told you that I love Demoral yet? I do. I don't remember Tuesday.

As a cautionary note, following a colonoscopy, the nurses will not let you leave until you have proven to them that you can expel all of the air which was pumped into your colon during the procedure. That's right, you have to pass gas in front of them. This proved impossible for me. I'm no prude, but I just can't fart in front of people. Never have been able to. Even when I'm doped to the gills.

After allowing me to go into the bathroom by myself, I apparently passed the test and was allowed to go home. But not before I found out that I have Diverticulosis throughout my colon and have to change my diet completely. More fiber, more water, no popcorn, no peanuts... good lord, I had died and gone to hell.

But my next visit to Dr. Moore was the one that would really change my life.

After ordering me to get a CT Scan of my abdomen, I returned to my Urologist. He informed me, in no uncertain terms, that what they thought was a simple cyst is, in fact, cancer.

Right in the middle of my right kidney there sits a six to seven centimeter growth. It's large enough to make my right kidney twice the size of my left and what we thought was the edge of my liver was, in fact, my kidney.

Dr. Moore showed me my CT Scan on the computer and mapped out what it looked like on the anatomically correct kidney wall chart, but I wasn't hearing much of what he said. All I could think was "I have cancer?! What do you mean I have cancer?! That's not right!"

I was told that someday soon, yet another doctor will have to go in and remove my offending kidney. He told me that he thinks we got it early and nothing else will be wrong, but we have to wait until they go in to find out.

I thanked him, made my follow-up appointment with my surgeon, and went to my car. I sat for 20 minutes doing nothing but staring at the steering wheel. No matter how you prepare yourself for bad news, you're never ready. Then I went home to tell the wife.

Now life has changed in some very important ways. I wait for the day when I lose a kidney but hopefully gain the knowledge that I'm clean otherwise. I still feel the lump in my abdomen but it is strange to know what it's part of.

I do drink a lot more water and I've only been to McDonald's once since I got the news. I'm sure McDonald's stock has plummeted due to my boycott. The wife says I have more energy because of my new diet, which I probably do, but it's all because I knew a long time ago that 40 would bring a change.

Now I just have to wait to find out how much of a change it is.

2012. Bring on the End of the World!

2009-11-25T07:46:00.002-05:00

The movie 2012 is about the end of the world as we know it (now get that tune out of your head). The only problem is that the world did NOT end before this blight on humanity was released to the general public!

The wife and I decided, since I am on vacation, to take in a new movie. We have both loved John Cusack since he first showed up as a nerd in night vision goggles in the John Hughes classic Sixteen Candles, so we thought that even though 2012 would be a no-brainer, he would redeem it.

Little did we count on the soul-crushing power of writer/director Roland Emerick - the writer/director who brought us such gems as Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, and 10,000 BC - to bring every known disaster-movie storyline ever produced to bear in this 2 1/2 hour waste of life.

The only redeeming factor in this film is the fun of being introduced to new characters and deciding, via past genre-watching experience, whether they will live or die and how.

*WARNING: Spoiler alert! Not that it will make any damn difference...*

I was also very happy to see an actor named Chiwetel Ejiofor get a shot at another action film after his fantastic turn as the Operative in Serenity. I had also loved him in Love Actually. This London actor has an impressive resume. Unfortunately, he was playing an American geologist in 2012 which tells me one of two things: either Ejiofor is better than any American African-American actor or no American African-American actor would come near this part with a ten-foot boom pole!

The actors used in bit parts were woefully under-utilized. Blu Mankuma and George Segal, playing old jazz musicians on a cruise ship, could have been heart-renderingly good, but instead end up being distractions. Even Woody Harrelson, who I am not a great fan of, needed to be in the movie more.

I did learn a few things from the film thanks to the amazing writing of one Roland Emerick:

1. A pirate AM radio station heard in Yellowstone National Park can also be heard in California! Obviously, once you have tuned in the station, it's tuned for life.

2. If you come upon gated government land, you may teach your young children to jump the fence and then wonder around inside an area which has been taped off warning you that the ground you are standing on is unstable and the only thing that will happen to you is that you will be sent back to your campground with a stern warning.

3. When the Earth's magnetic axis varies so much that the south pole is in the middle of Wisconsin, GPS satellites will still work perfectly! How handy is that? That's the future, baby!

4. When every land mass on Earth is uprooted and moved by 23%, Hawaii will remain exactly where it was.

5. Russian ex-military transport planes the size of a large building can be powered up and flying in less than 1 minute. Remember that the next time that a volcanic cloud is approaching your house.

6. Mother Nature HATES John Cusack and loves to tease him with near-death experiences. If you find yourself in the middle of a natural disaster and you are near John Cusack, simply stay with him. You will not die, but you will have a minimum of five near-death experiences in a vehicle of some sort (limo, RV, plane) in which the road will fall away into a mysteriously deep cavern behind you as your vehicle remains exactly 6 inches in front of the disintegrating roadway.

7. NEVER - EVER - be the "best friend", "guy who falls in love the ex-wife", or "hooker" if you are in a real-life disaster with John Cusack. You will die. Period.

8. Don't trust the government... ever. (This advice can be inserted into just about every movie out there)

9. If you have really big eyes and babble about things that could "never happen in a million years incoherently", they will happen and you will be a marter because you definitely could not live.

10. Always hang out with a pilot. They come in handy.

I will not go so far as to say that this is the worst movie I have ever seen, just the most disappointing. It's John Cusack, for god's sake. The wife and I found ourselves early in the film rooting for the natural disasters to wipe out humanity and were sorely disappointed when they didn't.

If this is the best that we have to look forward to coming out Hollywood, give me an Ed Wood collection and bring on the apocalypse. I'll be in the plane with Cusack.

Another piece of my teenage years is gone...

2009-08-06T17:50:00.004-04:00

In the 1980's a man named John Hughes came along and gave us the movies that those of us who were teenagers during that time thought were about us.

In 1984, he gave us Sixteen Candles. In 1985, the year I graduated from high school, we got The Breakfast Club, my favorite of his films, as well as Weird Science. 1986 was a banner year with Pretty in Pink followed immediately by the classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a movie right up there with Breakfast Club. Then in 1987, we got Some Kind of Wonderful.

Anybody who grew up in the 80's and does not have at least three movie segments going through their head after reading those titles was not a teenager in the 80's in America.

John Hughes died today at the age of 59.

I think the greatest thing he did was give us memories. Movies which gave us something to talk to people about when we otherwise would not have talked to them.

I will never forget lines like Judd Nelson's unforgettable put-down to Anthony-Michael Hall when he called him a "neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby". Or Anthony-Michael Hall trying to score with Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, only to end up with her panties to show off to a paying crowd in the bathroom. Duckie's complete infatuation with Andie in Pretty in Pink or Ferris' soliloquies to the camera in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

For those of us who had traveled in the back of our parent's car across country to get to DisneyLand in the 70's, 1983's Vacation was like watching home movies of the trip... only funnier.

An irreplaceable piece of my teenage years is gone but he left behind a legacy.

I need to watch Breakfast Club now.

Prosperity has been Released! Everybody rejoice!

2009-08-05T16:12:00.004-04:00

President Obama himself was in Elkhart, Ind., today giving a speech on... well, whatever it is that he is giving speeches on today. I believe it is a mixture of health care, freedom, economy, and walnuts mixed into a delicious batter.

Elkhart has been especially hit by the economic depression due to the fact that almost everybody in the town worked in or around an RV manufacturer and it shut down. (Pay close attention Detroit)

While in the land of fifth-wheels and 40-foot land yachts, Obama said that it is his job to "make sure that ordinary people have some relief" and he promised to "unleash prosperity for everybody, not just some."

Thanks to Obama, we now know what the problem has been... he has had prosperity tied up in the White House basement, not letting it loose until just the right moment! He will unleash prosperity, who hasn't eaten in weeks, and all of those whiny, self-centered bastards who have had the gall to ask him questions about his health-care plan will be eaten first, creating job vacancies for all of those out-of-work good folks who will then praise him and fall at his feet.

Prosperity can be a real bitch when she hasn't eaten.

But what about health care? Is that really part of our new prosperous future? Well, crank up the old rainbow machine and pay attention because you are about to get schooled... nicely as not to make anybody angry or cause our ratings to slip.

My wife sent me a lovely email that she got today from... wait for it... President Obama! That's right, the President took time out of meeting with the people of Elkhart in front of TV cameras, meeting with reporters in front of TV cameras, and actually meeting with the TV cameras themselves, to write a very personal and heartfelt letter to my wife! I couldn't be prouder.

"Angela --"

He calls her by her first name. They're tight. I would be very worried if this was coming from Bill Clinton.

"For one month, the fight for health insurance reform leaves the backrooms of Washington, D.C., and returns to communities across America. Throughout August, members of Congress are back home, where the hands they shake and the voices they hear will not belong to lobbyists, but to people like you."

So what I'm reading is that all deals in Washington are made in dimly-lit back-rooms (probably behind the big statue of Lincoln) and they only listen to the voices of lobbyists while in D.C. Good to know.

"Home is where we're strongest. We didn't win last year's election together at a committee hearing in D.C. We won it on the doorsteps and the phone lines, at the softball games and the town meetings, and in every part of this great country where people gather to talk about what matters most. And if you're willing to step up once again, that's exactly where we're going to win this historic campaign for the guaranteed, affordable health insurance that every American deserves.

There are those who profit from the status quo, or see this debate as a political game, and they will stop at nothing to block reform. They are filling the airwaves and the Internet with outrageous falsehoods to scare people into opposing change. And some people, not surprisingly, are getting pretty nervous. So we've got to get out there, fight lies with truth, and set the record straight."

I can almost hear the birds chirping and the old men whittling on the front porch. Funny, I don't profit at all from the "status quo" but I'm not in favor of government-run health care. Hmmmm. Could it be because I have seen what happens when people get lost in the VA health-care system, which is, uh, run by the government? And every debate that originates inside the beltway is political. That's the way the system works there no matter who you are.

So I read from this that anybody trying to "block reform" is an anti-American, communistic bastard who hates his (or her) mother and will stop at nothing to enslave the human race as we know it!

"That's why Organizing for America is putting together thousands of events this month where you can reach out to neighbors, show your support, and make certain your members of Congress know that you're counting on them to act.

But these canvasses, town halls, and gatherings only make a difference if you turn up to knock on doors, share your views, and show your support. So here's what I need from you:

Can you commit to join at least one event in your community this month? [Click Here] "

So remember, for the month of August, not everybody knocking on your door will be a Mormon. At least I know what they stand for. Needless to say, my wife is not going to be a big volunteer on this one... not that mindlessly knocking on doors will get you hurt or killed in Obama's America.

[Cue the patriotic music from Patton]

"In politics, there's a rule that says when you ask people to get involved, always tell them it'll be easy. Well, let's be honest here: Passing comprehensive health insurance reform will not be easy. Every President since Harry Truman has talked about it, and the most powerful and experienced lobbyists in Washington stand in the way.

But every day we don't act, Americans watch their premiums rise three times faster than wages, small businesses and families are pushed towards bankruptcy, and 14,000 people lose their coverage entirely. The cost of inaction is simply too much for the people of this nation to bear.

So yes, fixing this crisis will not be easy. Our opponents will attack us every day for daring to try. It will require time, and hard work, and there will be days when we don't know if we have anything more to give. But there comes a moment when we all have to choose between doing what's easy, and doing what's right.

This is one of those times. And moments like this are what this movement was built for. So, are you ready?"

My God, if I knew we were going to war, I would have backed him to begin with! Why is that all I can picture is Bluto Blutowski from Animal House talking about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor and ending with "Who's with me?!"

Of course, those of us who are against his plan are only doing what's easy. Um, can somebody please tell what that is?

"Let's seize this moment and win this historic victory for our economy, our health and our families.

Thank you,

President Barack Obama"

Doesn't it just bring tears to your eyes? Mine are from laughing too hard.

From the "We elected that?!" Department

2009-07-30T19:33:00.005-04:00

If you thought this little tiff between Henry Louis Gates, Harvard Professor and noted man who forgets his keys, and Cambridge, Mass., Police Sgt. James Crowley couldn't get any stupider (yes, I said stupider) than the President inviting them over for a beer, well, my friend, you have not met Massachusetts Congressman Richard E. Neal.

It seems that Richard, who is listed on his letter-head as Chairman of the Friends of Ireland among other important jobs such as At-Large whip, has a problem with the whole "let's get together for a few beers and talk" plan. No, he isn't distressed that with everything else happening in the world, the President is wasting his time on what is essentially a domestic dispute, he is upset at the choice of beers.

That's right, dear readers, Richard, or Dick to some, is upset because the beer that will be served is not good ol' American beer from his district. He even took the time to pen a letter about it and send it to Obama. (You can see the entire letter here)

Dear Mr. President,

I read with great interest of your meeting tomorrow with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, which some in the media have taken to calling the "Beer Summit". I'm certain that this casual diplomacy, where the summit participants will discuss current events over a beer, will be an unqualified success. Not knowing the preferences of those invited, I would like to suggest you serve a beer from the largest American-owned brewing company; that being Sam Adams.

You can almost hear the patriotic music start playing, can't you?

Richard goes on to tell the President how they both share a want to see American companies succeed while foreign-owned companies... such as the ones who own Budweiser and Miller now... should be trampled in the dirt and spit upon as soon as is humanly possible. All in the name of diplomacy.

Basically, Richard tells Obama that he would be un-American and personally causing the downfall of several thousand American jobs if he doesn't choose a beer made in HIS STATE! Damn it, can't you see?! It's the only way to keep us free!

Of course, there is the question of getting the beer from any smaller breweries, which Richard is trying to help via tax credits, to the White House. But in the final paragraph of this awe-inspiring letter, Richard takes care of that little problem, too.

As distribution is one of the biggest hurdles craft brewers must contend with, I stand ready if you need any assistance obtaining any of these high-quality Massachusetts-owned and brewed beers.

Would that, technically, be considered a bribe? And can't you just see a United States Congressman... one who may be making very important budget and judicial decisions very soon... standing by his beer hotline just waiting to deliver a cold one to the beer summit?

How much do these idiots get paid again?

80's Video of the Day

2009-07-29T17:04:00.003-04:00

I have an interest in illusion or magic, if you will. I love doing little tricks that amaze children and make me look like I know what I'm doing. Nothing big... Copperfield has nothing to worry about from me.

I saw Penn and Teller for the first time in the 1980's and immediately gravitated toward their non-magic brand of illusion. It wasn't just that they showed you how a trick was done, but they let you in on the tricks completely without talking down to you.

I bought their book Penn and Teller's Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends (available at Amazon by clicking here) when it came out in the late 80's. It amazed me!

And then they actually made a video for it! Remember, for anybody who watches the video, it is funny! Hilarious, one might say.

Enjoy.

Watch Penn And Teller's Cruel Tricks For Dear Friends in Comedy | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Alright, that's long enough

2009-07-29T16:18:00.003-04:00

I promised I would be back. Yes, it's several months later, get off my back! I've been a bit busy.

Let's see...

Got married in January to Angela, the woman I've loved for 20 years. I am now happy and have the laziest dog in the universe and the stupidest cat...

I have officially moved back to Indiana and work at Muscatatuck Urban Training Center (MUTC). It's an amazing place in southern Indiana's Jennings County that is a mental facility opened in 1920.

I am still sitting around waiting for my change to come from the new administration, but at least my state has a budget surplus... for now.

Other than that, life goes on pretty much as normal. I have kept busy taking lots of photos (Nikon D2x and my trusty Canon Rebel Xt) and will start posting those soon. I will be co-hosting the morning show on WJCP radio tomorrow from 6 - 9 a.m. If you want to be completely mystified as to why they would give me a microphone, you can listen to it here.

Now, it's time to get back to writing!

Kungaloosh!

The Long Goodbye

2008-11-21T14:00:00.004-05:00

Today marks the end of an era. I am headed back to the land that spawned me. No, not hell, as many of you would think... I'm going home to Indiana.

Today is my last day at the Pentagon. After five years working in the Electronic Imaging Section of the Office of the Chief of Army Public Affairs, it's time to head home.

There are people here I will never forget and friends I have made who will always be with me one way or another. I have done my fair share of pissing people off... and then some. Most are my own fault and for those I apologize.

But I can't express my sincere thanks enough to the people I have worked with here inside the beltway since coming to DC. My boss, Robert, is the best boss anybody could ever hope to have. I'll never have another friend like Nicki as long as I live. And my Sergeant Major is still what the Army needs more than anything.

Thank you to my three or four faithful readers (Ed, Gale, BobG, Jerry). I will get back to writing when I'm settled. (Yes, and send you your pictures, G)

I have railed here many times about the stagnation and over-building going on in government and inside the beltway and I have witnessed it first-hand... even in my own department at times. But I would go to war with most of the people I have met and worked with here.

It's been a privilege.

First step toward power taken by Obama

2008-11-06T10:46:00.004-05:00

In his election night acceptance speech (excuse me, historic election night historic acceptance speech), Obama had this to say about working with his fellow Republicans across the isle:

"I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead."

"Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long."

Pretty words. He's going to bring everybody together as one... rebuild our failing country... pay for your gas and mortgage.

And now it's time for President-elect Obama to chose those who will help him bring us together. It's always best to get your Chief-of-Staff in place because he or she will set the tone for the office, chose the underlings who will carry the water for the President. So in order to show unity, Obama choses... Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel?!

Rep. Emanuel is not only one of the most partison hacks in the House, he's a close friend to Nancy Pelosi... her number 2, you might say. Emanuel was a political and policy aide for Bill Clinton, becoming an investment banker in Chicago... and we all know how nice investment bankers are now.

Six years ago, he won his House seat in Chicago and went on to become one of the major power brokers in the Democratic bid to take over Congress two years ago. He is described as being as devisive as they come. What a shock he was picked.

The rumor mill still swirls with talk of Indiana Republican Senator Richard "Dick" Lugar... a GREAT German porn name... being named Secretary of State... unless, of course, you believe the rumors which say that John Kerry is pimping himself for that job. Couldn't you just imagine being a foriegn dignatary with Kerry at SecState? Talk about a comedy of errors!

Will he also allow Robert Gates to stay on as the Secretary of Defense? There are still too many unanswered questions, but he's not starting out endearing himself to me. And I'm sure he loses many nights of sleep because of it.

The age of enlightenment has begun

2008-11-05T05:06:00.002-05:00

Obama is now the President-elect. As we've been told by every news outlet on the face of the planet several million times in the past 24 hours, this is history in the making and we're all just privileged enough to be living in the same time as Obama.

After a combined $1 billion spent and over 20 months of campaigning, it is finally, mercifully over. Pour over the front pages of papers all over the world and you will see large images of Obama, who will forever more be MUCH larger than life. Articles all over exhort the change which has taken place even though he's not in office yet.

Okay, he's won. No big surprise to anybody there. Now it's up to all of us to make the best of it. If he ends up pulling the same crap as every other President we've had for the past 20 years, what he promised during the campaign is now out the door. Reality will set in before he even sits his butt in the chair.

I would like to humbly write an open letter to the new President-elect:

Dear Sir-

Congratulations on your hard-paid for victory. I believe that the amount of money you spent comes out to about $10 per vote. Be that as it may, I do have a few requests of you:

1. Do not create any new government entities. Your predecessor grew the size of government until Washington DC is bursting at the seams. We have much more than enough layers of bureaucracy. Don't add to it.

2. Don't do the "fist bump" with major world leaders unless they appear to want to do it first. Major wars have started over less.

3. Please practice saying the word "nuclear" in the mirror.

4. Now that the Democrats have a majority, literally, everywhere, you will be tempted to pass legislation just because you can unhindered for the first time. Don't fall to the temptation. When the "Fairness Doctorine" comes up to your desk, do the right thing. Shredders are very cheap at Wal-Mart and I would even buy one for you.

5. Most importantly, don't screw the Soldiers! You know it's crap when you say that we will be out of Iraq soon. If nothing else, I beg you not to use the Soldiers as political tools. We're sick of it.

Thank you very much.

I know he'll never see it and I know it would mean less than nothing if he did, but I got it off my back. Obama has a LOT to live up to now. Just watch this video and see what is expected of him:

Yes, Obama is going to pay for her gas and mortgage. That's not thinking about change, that's looking for a handout.

A fun story on your election day

2008-11-04T17:41:00.003-05:00

On this day where we are deciding who we are going to complain endlessly about for the next four years, it's nice to see a good news story... so here it is from the Associated Press.

Ken Mink is a 73-year old student at Roane State Community College in Tennessee and he is a member of the basketball team. Last night, he was able to score in his first college game in 52 years.

Mink entered the game with about 16 minutes left in the second half and attempted one shot in about three minutes. Seven minutes later, he went back in the game, was fouled and made two free throws.
"I found myself on the free-throw line 52 years after my last college game," Mink said. "I said, 'Just relax and shoot it like you know how to all day long.' I just floated the shots in there. I'm in the books now. I can relax a little bit."

Mink, of Knoxville, last played college basketball 52 years ago at Lees College in Jackson, Ky. After someone soaped the basketball coach's office, he lost his spot on the team and was expelled. Mink still says he didn't do it.

If that doesn't put a smile on your face and make you feel as if old age won't kill you, then nothing will.

Voting is (relatively) harmless

2008-11-04T08:42:00.002-05:00

I've done it. As you can tell by my patented cell phone camera shot (I think they'll catch on someday), I stood in a line which started somewhere around Cleveland in order to cast my right to gripe for the next four years... possibly longer.

In reality, the voting line wasn't that bad. Of course, I used to work at DisneyWorld where any wait under two hours is considered a miracle. Some observations from my place in the political process line:

1. Arrived to wait my turn at about 7 a.m.
2. Texted Angela.
3. Was asked if I wanted a "sample ballot" by a very friendly woman wearing an Obama button. Scanned the ballot in her hand and noticed that they were kind enough to show you where to place your "X" on the "sample ballot". Hint: none of their X's were beside a republican name. She was a bit put off when I informed her that I already know how to draw an "X", thank you anyway.
4. Texted Angela.
5. Was asked by a friendly-looking male if I wanted a "sample ballot". He was wearing the same Obama button and featured the same pre-selected "sample ballot". This time, I simply said no. Trying out my kinder, gentler self.
6. Texted Angela.
7. A nice lady sounding very much like a stewardess wheeled by a cart full of donuts and coffee plus some cookies she made herself. Her Obama button was hidden a bit better, but still there. They must buy those things by the gross!
8. Texted Angela.

All in all, my morning consisted of fending off campaign volunteers trying to shove "sample ballots" in my hand and texting Angela. When looking at pure ratios, the Obama campaign had enough volunteers on site to safely field a professional football team while all of the other campaigns combined to barely field a decent middle-school basketball team with no substitutes.

The Green party was represented by one poor schmuck trying to give everybody his own "sample ballots" which were... you got it... green. Of course, ALL "sample ballots" were being recycled so that others could enjoy the thrill of seeing what a professionally designed "X" looks like.

During my wait, I only happened upon one political argument, which I think is pretty good since we are supposed to be more divisive than ever in our history. I expected bullet-proof voting booths and polling place observers watching from up-armored over-watch towers. The argument was obviously between a hard-core Republican and a hard-core Democrat, as if I could tell the difference anymore. They were arguing over... I swear this is true... which candidate is more of a Marxist! It went something like this:

Republican: Everybody knows that Obama is a Marxist!
Democrat: Oh yea? What about your guy?
Republican: What about him?
Democrat: He was a POW! They changed him while he was in there! Reprogrammed him!
Republican: What?
Democrat: The Commies! They want him elected so that they can activate him!
Republican: Well, you're guy's still a Marxist!

After that enlightening discussion, those of us in line decided we needed more caffeine and bought some from the Obama coffee lady, which the man in front of me proceeded to drop on the sleeve of his shirt. Obama coffee lady almost cried, saying it was here fault and apologizing for everything from the spilled coffee to global warming. Yes, she's an Obama-ite.

Finally, the polling station was within sight! We went inside the Patrick Henry Elementary School gym (home of the fighting Martyrs, not to mention Virginia's 8th Congressional District and 26th Precinct. The Fightin' 26th!) and found... more lines! Only now the lines snaked around like a serpent getting ready to strike!

There were rules once we were inside. Almost nobody talked, afraid that the smallest sound could set of the "blood in the streets" prophesied after this election. I had to stop texting when a very nice, very serious election official named Bob told me to "turn it off".

When I finally made it past the barbed wire and mine fields, I had to make the decision to vote electronically or by paper ballot. I chose electronically because when CNN comes on with reports of problems with the electronic voting machines at the Fightin' 26th, I can stand up and claim proudly that it was my right-in vote of Dave Barry for President that did it!

No, really, I won't tell you who I voted for, but as a hint, he might be a Libertarian.

So if you haven't voted yet, go vote! There's nothing more appealing than knowing that your vote has completely canceled out the vote of your nearest loved one. Just as long as they aren't Marxist...

Vote

2008-11-04T06:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm off to waste... er, cast my ballot. In light of the day it is, I think this cartoon is appropriate...

Stay tuned for election updates throughout the day...

For Hollywood, vote for Obama

2008-11-03T07:24:00.004-05:00

Do Hollywood liberals irritate you? Do you wish they would stop thinking that we should actually listen to everything they say as if they were oracles who can tell the future? If they keep their promises and Obama loses tomorrow, we may never have to hear them again!

Susan Sarandon, the award-winning actress and morals-building diva behind such films as "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Mr. Woodcock", promises America that if Obama loses, she is moving to Italy. Several Italians have been seen boarding up their shops since. Annabel Crabb of the Sydney Morning Herald finds the quote:

Actress Susan Sarandon has already issued a veiled threat to the public.

"It's a critical time, but I have faith in the American people," she told Britain's Telegraph newspaper with a touch of implied menace in June this year. "If they prove me wrong, I'll be checking out a move to Italy. Maybe Canada, I don't know. We're at an abyss …"

Unfortunately, Hollywood stars who have made this kind of promise before did not follow through on it. So much for being men and women of their words, right?

Sarandon's words qualify her for membership of a small but committed group of Potential Canadians (PCs) in American artistic and creative circles.

Barbra Streisand vowed to emigrate to Canada in 2000 if George Bush were ever elected President, an undertaking she refreshed four years later at the prospect of his re-election.

But she was still sufficiently resident in California on September 16 this year to host a $US2500 ($3800) a head fund-raiser for Obama at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

The actor Alec Baldwin and Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder made similar threats in 2000, as did Robert Redford in 2004, but none has since enriched the Canadian cultural scene.

In fact, Canadian immigration records show that arrivals from the United States actually slowed in the six months after George Bush's re-election in 2004.

But is that the worst that could happen if Obama does lose tomorrow? Absolutely not, according to Erica Jong. You may remember Jong as the author of the 70's feminist tome "Fear of Flying", the book that brought peace to everybody... either that or attempted to widen the divide between men and women.

"If Obama loses it will spark the second American Civil War. Blood will run in the streets, believe me," she told the Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera last week. "My back is also suffering from spasms, so much so that I had to see an acupuncturist and get prescriptions for Valium.

"Yesterday, Jane Fonda sent me an email to tell me that she cried all night and can't cure her ailing back for all the stress that has reduced her to a bundle of nerves."

Isn't it nice to see people trying to do everything they can to avoid trouble and help people? For god's sake! Blood will run in the streets?!

You will notice, of course, that all of these quotes were given to newspapers outside of the United States.

Obviously we need to put Obama in office just to avoid blood in the streets and ensure that the Hollywood elite doesn't have to spend their hard-earned money (which will be re-distributed to the poor masses as soon as Obama is elected) on chiropractors and psychiatrists.

Help us save these poor Hollywood stars. Their fragile sense of self relies on your vote tomorrow. When you go to pull the lever, darken in that circle, or hang that chad, remember what you may be doing to somebody like Susan Sarandon, Jane Fonda, or even, Yahweh forbid, Barbara Streisand. You might as well be buying them a plane ticket to another country.

But I can't think of a better reason to vote for McCain.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T05:41:00.004-04:00

Welcome to this month's pagan holiday... er, Christian holiday... no, really! For your entertainment, here is the history of Halloween according to Wikipedia:

Halloween has its origins in the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain. The festival of Samhain is a celebration of the end of the harvest season in Gaelic culture, and is sometimes regarded as the "Celtic New Year". Traditionally, the festival was a time used by the ancient Celtic pagans to take stock of supplies and slaughter livestock for winter stores. The ancient Gaels believed that on October 31, now known as Halloween, the boundary between the alive and the deceased dissolved, and the dead become dangerous for the living by causing problems such as sickness or damaged crops. The festivals would frequently involve bonfires, into which bones of slaughtered livestock were thrown. Costumes and masks were also worn at the festivals in an attempt to mimic the evil spirits or placate them.

The term Halloween is shortened from All Hallows' Even (both "even" and "eve" are abbreviations of "evening", but "Halloween" gets its "n" from "even") as it is the eve of "All Hallows' Day", which is now also known as All Saints' Day. It was a day of religious festivities in various northern European Pagan traditions, until Popes Gregory III and Gregory IV moved the old Christian feast of All Saints' Day from May 13 (which had itself been the date of a pagan holiday, the Feast of the Lemures) to 1st November. In the ninth century, the Church measured the day as starting at sunset, in accordance with the Florentine calendar. Although All Saints' Day is now considered to occur one day after Halloween, the two holidays were, at that time, celebrated on the same day. Liturgically, the Church traditionally celebrated that day as the Vigil of All Saints, and, until 1970, a day of fasting as well. Like other vigils, it was celebrated on the previous day if it fell on a Sunday, although secular celebrations of the holiday remained on the 31st. The Vigil was suppressed in 1955, but was later restored in the post-Vatican II calendar.

Those wacky Catholics, always taking the best of Pagan holidays to create their own. I hope you have a fun Halloween. Here are a few cartoons to get you in the mood...

Give it up, Obama has won now

2008-10-30T15:44:00.003-04:00

No matter what the polls say... no matter what the candidates say... the final proof has now been brought out. The most important group in all of polling has now put out there pick for President, and that pick is Obama. The election is now over.

And what group is this, you ask? Peruvian Faith-Healing Shamans. That's right, the faith-healers from Peru have now weighed in with the Associated Press.

Each of the 11 shamans in a Peruvian faith-healing organization said Wednesday that they have foreseen victory in the U.S. presidential race: nine for Democrat Obama and two for his Republican rival John McCain.

Okay, so it's not an exact science, but then, neither are polling numbers in the United States. But how does this austere group come to its conclusions? Polling registered voters? Talking to friends in the states? Oh no, nothing that scientific.

Blowing incense over a sacred llama fetus perched on a bed of coca leaves next to posters of the leading candidates, the shamans shook rattles, chanted "up, Obama, up!" and threw flowers at their images.

"Obama is growing stronger, I've seen that he has the spiritual support of Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy to protect him," Juan Osco, president of the Apus-Inka healers association, told The Associated Press. "He's going to win."

So there you have it! Go out and vote with the llama fetuses (fetusi?). Don't make them put a hex on your family! Luckily, thanks to the Shamans (Shamen?), this election will be fair and square.

The shamans whistled, chanted and rubbed both posters with Andean spirit-totems, crucifixes, a statue of a dark-skinned Jesus and other idols to scare away bad spirits and negative energies they said might prevent a fair and democratic election.

"We are cleansing both of them so that on Nov. 4 the person that the U.S. really deserves wins," Osco said. "We have seen that if the election is not fair, there will be another global economic crisis, war and despair."

Cartoons of the Day

2008-10-30T11:17:00.005-04:00

I'm obviously a bit behind on getting cartoons out to you, my three avid readers (Jerry counts as two). So here are today's fun bits...

And finally...

Holiday Gift Guide

2008-10-30T09:02:00.008-04:00

Are you sick of this election season? Well, look forward to another season you're going to hate... the holidays!

In order to get a jump-start on helping you pick gifts for that loved one this year, here is the first of my annual, highly anticipated gift guides. So let's get on with it!

1. Wall Street Guru Ball

Would you like to know what you should do with your money in today's economy? The Guru Ball will give you just as good a piece of advice as any so-called "Wall Street expert".

2. Stickman Action Figure

Have action figures become too difficult to handle with 8,400 articulated joints each and more fancy weapons than a child (or child-like grown man) can handle? Get the Stickman Action Figure which comes complete with it's own yellow caution triangle background.

3. The Portable Thermoelectric Cooler/Warmer

Do you have an hour-long drive to get to work each day? Then you may need this portable fridge which works on your car's power. Now all you need is that mobile toilet and you will be all set!

4. 101 Spy Gadgets For The Evil Genius

This is a book that should be required reading for every young boy and girl. If I had this book when I was young, the world may be a different place... or I could have blown up the barn. Either way, it would have been fun!

5. BING BONG Beer Pong Party Table

Poker and pool tables are SO yesterday. Today's hotness is the Beer Pong Party Table! I'm sorry, I mean PROFESSIONAL Beer Pong Party Table! And yes, there are now Beer Pong tournaments through the Bing bong Federation! What could be better than that?

Stay tuned for the next portion of the gift guide. Prices always go up for the good toys!

Update on Noosed Palin in California

2008-10-30T05:24:00.003-04:00

Just when I was starting to lose faith in the Secret Service and neighbors of Chad Morrisette in West Hollywood, CA, now comes the news that his "Halloween display" of vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin hanging from a noose from the side of his house has been removed.

the national attention brought to the display brought Morrisette much more attention than he ever wanted... and not in the way he wanted. Every news agency berated Morrisette. Dennis Miller gave a scathing monologue on FoxNews about Morrisette. Even the women of The View were as one in their absolute disregard for what Morrisette had done.

Nothing turns people against you like putting a noose around somebody's neck.

Finally, the Mayor had to step in according to the Associated Press.

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Amid a growing frenzy of protesters and media surrounding his home, Chad Morrisette decided his noosed Sarah Palin mannequin should be cut loose.

He and his partner had created the effigy of the GOP vice presidential hopeful three weeks ago and vowed to keep it outside their home until Halloween, despite widespread criticism from neighbors and local officials. On Wednesday the mayor convinced Morrisette the mannequin should come down.

"I explained to them that this could be dangerous to you and your neighbors," said Mayor Jeff Prang, noting that he received hundreds of venomous e-mails from people offended by the display. "They were totally unprepared for this kind of international attention, for the amount of impact on their home and their neighborhood."

Best of all, the Secret Service got in involved.

Besides a constant flow of angry callers, the homeowners had received a visit from the Secret Service and criticism from a Los Angeles County supervisor who ordered an investigation into whether the effigy constitutes a hate crime.

Then, on Wednesday, neighbors covered up the Palin mannequin with sheets, and more protesters showed up later in the day accompanied by a man driving a vehicle adorned with an effigy labeled "Chad," with a noose around its neck, said sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore.

"This evening, it wasn't as friendly," he said.

Hmmm... this is what happens when you put out hatred and try to disguise it as a "prank". Let's call it a win for the good guys.

Don't tell Al but the Glaciers are growing!

2008-10-29T13:57:00.003-04:00

All you poor little Polar Bears that are supposedly drowning because of shrinking ice? do I have great news for you! Not only have you obviously learned to hack into the web and use a computer to read this, but the ice of some glaciers in Alaska is actually advancing. (I would suggest you find these... quick!)

USGS research geologist Bruce Molnia wrote a book entitled The Glaciers of Alaska which has become "a major reference work for glaciologists studying glaciers in Alaska in the years and decades to come" according to Richard Williams Jr., an emeritus senior research glaciologist with the USGS. In the book, which uses photos and satellite images to compare glacier formations through the years, Molnia finds that while most glaciers have been receding over the past 200 years, a handful are actually growing. Molnia talked to Dennis Avery, a senior fellow with the Hudson Institute in Washington, about the reason.

Unusually large amounts of Alaskan snow last winter were followed by unusually chilly temperatures there this summer. “In general, the weather this summer was the worst I have seen in at least 20 years,” says Bruce Molnia of the U.S. Geological Survey, and author of The Glaciers of Alaska. “It’s been a long time on most glaciers where they’ve actually had positive mass balance (added thickness).”

Overall, Molnia figures Alaska had lost 10–12,000 square kilometers of ice since 1800, the depths of the Little Ice Age. That’s enough ice to cover the state of Connecticut. Climate alarmists claim all the glaciers might disappear soon, but they haven’t looked at the long-term evidence of the 1,500-year Dansgaard-Oeschger climate cycles. During the Little Ice Age—1400 to 1850—Muir Glacier filled the whole of Glacier Bay. Since then, the glacier has retreated 57 miles. But the Little Ice Age was preceded by the Medieval Warming, the cold Dark Ages, a Roman Warming, and a whole series of moderate warmings and coolings that extend back at least 1 million years based on the evidence of the microfossils in the world’s seabed sediments.

But what about the "fact" that manmade global warming will keep making it warmer? shouldn't the glaciers keep melting instead?

Alaska’s glaciers grew this year, after shrinking for most of the last 200 years. The reason? Global temperatures dropped over the past 18 months. The global mean annual temperature has been declining recently because the solar wind thrown out by the sun has retreated to its smallest extent in at least 50 years. This temperature downturn was not predicted by the global computer models, but had been predicted by the sunspot index since 2000.

[...]

The real question is whether today’s warming is different than the previous Dansgaard-Osechger warming cycles. I think that the difference, if any, is slight. Most of our Modern Warming occurred before 1940 and virtually all of our human-emitted CO2 came after that date. The temperatures in 1998—the recent peak—were only 0.2 degree C higher than in 1940. After the temperature drop of the past 18 months, the temperatures are now cooler than in 1940.

The 1,500-year cycles usually start with a sudden shift of 1–2 degrees—in temperate zones—and double that in Alaska. Then temperatures erratically rise and fall with the sun’s total irradiance changes, often in 11-year cycles. At the end of the warming, comes another Little Ice Age; or, every 100,000 years, a Big Ice Age that will drop temperatures about 15 degree C. That’s when insulation will truly become the most important invention in history.

The sunspots are now predicting a 30-year cooling of the earth. That would thicken the Alaskan glaciers somewhat, but probably wouldn’t refill Glacier Bay with ice. That’ll have to wait for the next icy age.

So thankfully for the polar bears, who are at high levels of population anyway, ice is on its way. Of course, if we do have a 30-year cooling cycle now, the Gore disciples will claim it's because of their intervention. As the article says, Gore's computer models call for continuous warming while those who follow the sun's activity knew what was coming.

Believe who you want.

Ye Olde Double Standard, Part Deux

2008-10-28T10:04:00.002-04:00

While California is allowing people to hang Sarah Palin in effigy off the side of their houses, a home-owner's association in Florida has taken a tough stance against what they see as political advertising. Thank god they have decided to take a firm stance against... what? You're kidding... again? Welcome home posters for a Soldier?!

Yes, the Pace Island Homeowners Association and their president Alan Williams decided that signs which were displayed to welcome home were viewed by one resident as "political".

Williams says the signs were in common areas and a resident complained that they could be viewed as political and supporting the war. Williams says that's why the signs were removed.

Supporting a returning family member who fought for our country is now a political stance?! Did anybody ask the family what their politics are? I have many friends in uniform who support Obama.

So while we allow hanging effigies in the name of free speech, signs welcoming home a Soldier from Iraq with flags and balloons are taken down. When the hell do we move to that island?

Go to the ABC25 website to view the story.

Ye Olde Double Standard

2008-10-28T09:29:00.002-04:00

I have a great idea for a Halloween decoration at my apartment building: I'm going to take a life-size mannequin, dress it up like Barack Obama, and hang it off my balcony by a noose! Won't that be great?! And when I'm being handcuffed and led away by the police and Secret Service, I'll tell the gathered news crews that it was all in good, clean Halloween fun. Do you think they'll buy it?

No, I'm pretty sure that I would be dead by the time I got to the end of the block.

So why is it that California resident Chad Michael Morisette is being hailed by some as a hero for displaying a mannequin he himself says represents Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin hanging by a noose from the side of his house? An Associated Press and FoxNews story says that it's all in the spirit of Halloween.

"It should be seen as art, and as within the month of October. It's Halloween, it's time to be scary, it's time to be spooky," Morisette said.

Spooky? If it was Obama hanging by the neck, every home owner around Morisette, every pundit, every news station, and everybody who is seeking their 15 minutes with Obama would be lined up to throw Morisette out of town. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Spike Lee would skip hand-in-hand at the joy of showing just how racist America really is. But of course, this is not Obama... it's a white woman.

Several locals and tour buses have swung by the house to snap photos of the scene, and some gawkers say it is humorous. Morisette acknowledged to FOX 11 news that had he depicted Barack Obama in the same scene, it would not have gone over as well, because the history of a hanged black man in America is a lot more intense than a hanged white woman.

Very true, because women have never been down-trodden or had equality problems in the United States.

But the FBI and police have been called in to investigate the political incident. Thank god, I was afraid this would go uninvestigated and... what? What were they called in to investigate? You're kidding?

This just in, the FBI was called in NOT to investigate the hanging effigy, but the defacement of a political sign. No, I'm not kidding.

CBS 2 News also reported that another homeowner in the Los Angeles area had his Obama yard sign vandalized with a racial slur.

"I think the word says more about the person who wrote it than anything," homeowner John McNamara told CBS 2 News.

The FBI and Los Angles Police Department are reportedly investigating the incident.

Now, before people start writing to say how racist I am and that I don't understand, I would never, ever use the "N" word, let alone bother to deface a sign. But let's be only slightly realistic here: one homeowner depicts the violent killing of a political candidate and the other has a sign defaced?

Have we gone completely out of whack here?

Where have I been?

2008-10-22T13:28:00.002-04:00

This is the question that has been emailed to me by a few people lately. Of course, those emails are outnumbered by the "thank god you're gone!" emails, but I choose not to read those too much.

One very nice friend even emailed to say "Do you NEVER update your blog? I am sitting at practice, freezing my ass off and no snark! WTF I screech in oh so dulcet tones. Get cracking! Don't make me share the misery."

How could I not update after an email like that? Knowing that I am a source of entertainment for all those who are as nerdy as I? Otherwise known as "people with no lives". MY people.

First of all, I have been doing everything I can not to allow my head to explode during this election season. I will gladly give $500 to anybody who can come up with one rock-solid reason I should vote for any of the candidates who isn't a Libertarian. And remember, these are the excuses that don't count:

1. "Because he's not (place name of opponent here)." That's not a reason TO vote for anybody.

2. "Because he wants to change Washington." Oh dear God, if I have to hear that out of one more politician who will do absolutely NOTHING to change politics as is...

3. "He'll lower taxes." or any other campaign promise which is outside of the realm of Presidential power. Kids, the President CAN NOT lower your taxes. Taxes are the purview of Congress and state legislators.

4. "Because the other Presidential/Vice Presidential candidate is too old/too inexperienced/too stupid/too smart/too common/too elite, etc." Anytime you hear or see the word "too" being associated with a candidate, it's an opinion and nothing more.

5. "He'll end the war/end global warming/end hunger/end homelessness." Don't tell me what he says he will do, tell me the exact plan. HOW will he do these things? Give me workable details that are within the scope of Presidential power via the Constitution.

We've all seen the humorous side of this election cycle. The gaffs, the jokes, the Saturday Night Live skits... but have we seen or heard one useful thing out of the candidates? I would LOVE to hear, see or read a candidate say the following:

"Ladies and gentlemen, let's be honest here. If you elect me as your President, I won't have the power to lower your taxes. I won't have the power to lower your grocery bill. If you want to worry about who will do that, pay more attention to Congress! Those bastards have a lower approval rating than me and you don't blame them!

Look, I do three things: I serve as commander in chief of all U.S. armed forces, yet I do not have the power to declare war. That's congress. I ensure that Federal laws are faithfully executed, but I don't pass those laws. Who does? You guessed it, congress. I can appoint people to lower federal offices, but in order to appoint anybody to a higher office, who do I have to work with? You got it, congress. So what can I do? Work with congress. I can call for special sessions of congress if I feel something needs to be done. And while it does take my signature for a bill to become a law, as we saw in the training film "I'm Just a Bill", who is responsible for writing those bills? All together now... congress!

So when you're standing in the voting booth sweating over which Presidential candidate to vote for, you may want to reassess how lightly you take your congressman. If we're all doing the jobs we are supposed to be doing, I'm the last person you need to worry about."

Disney Depression

2008-10-09T14:03:00.003-04:00

When I first traveled to DisneyWorld in 1995, I had been told by a friend that I HAD to go to a place called Pleasure Island in order to spend an evening at The Adventurer's Club. My friend knew how much I love improv and good, solid comedy... especially if it is tinged with sarcasm.

I spent one of the nights of my vacation completely engrossed in the club. For those who have never been, the Adventurer's Club was a comedy club stuck in time on New Year's Eve, 1937, pretending to have a "New Member's Open House". You see, before 9/11, every evening at Pleasure Island was New Year's Eve, complete with confetti and music.

The club featured several revolving actors and actresses, all at the top of their game, playing an assortment of characters. From the snooty (mostly) British butler Graves to the ladie's man pilot Handsome Hathaway Browne, the club entertained the entire night, never repeating a show in any of their four show rooms (the Main Salon, the Mask Room, the Treasure Room, and the Library).

In 2000, I moved to Orlando, Florida, to work for a friend and became a regular at the club. Because you didn't have to buy a Disney ticket to get into Pleasure Island, just a yearly pass, it became a great hang-out. It was my home-away-from-home.

I have posted the video below before, but it is hilarious and deserves re-posting. The video features a character named Fletcher Hodges, Club Curator, performing a song about the Titanic during a show in the Library. (The "Fingers" referred to in the video is the ghost organ player, Fingers Zambezi.

I always looked forward to my next trip to the club as it was always fresh and fun. There were more than a few nights when I would be there just after the club doors would open since my jet ski business was located just five minutes from the Disney back gate near the Island. On those nights, Kirk would let me in and I would be one of only two or three people sitting in the club. The actors always loved that at the beginning of the night because they knew us as regulars and could have fun with us while letting down their guard just a little.

Not long ago, I found out that Disney was going to close the club after 18 years. I was aghast! The club had always done great business and was built in the Disney tradition with entertainment and fun in mind. I emailed Disney Media Services asking for more information about this. I received a return email from a nice lady named Kim who told me that all of the clubs on Pleasure Island were going to be closed in order to make room for "new shopping, dining and other experiences including a completely re-imagined Pleasure Island."

My club was being replaced by a restaraunt. And here is the centerpiece:

"Over the next year, the 120-acre entertainment-shopping-dining complex will add a number of one-of-a-kind, immersive experiences for guests. Downtown Disney will even get its own iconic attraction, in the form of a giant, tethered balloon that will take guests 300 feet into the air to view the amazing vistas of Walt Disney World Resort."

Yes, you can soon stand in line to go up in a baloon. But, hey, you get more stores and food choices!

"Our guests tell us they want additional shopping and dining experiences at Downtown Disney," added Lansberry. "We are currently considering a number of unique concepts from around the globe as we re-imagine Pleasure Island and look forward to sharing our progress over the coming months."

Let's see... our guests, who can choose from a gajillion different ways to buy more Disney items than you can shake a Magic Mickey Walking Stick (tm) at, want more shopping?!

So, in order to make way for more shops and hot dog stands, September 27th marked the final day of The Adventurer's Club at Downtown Disney's Pleasure Island. I am devistated. No more Club.

Because of this, I have included a couple of clips posted on YouTube from the final couple of nights at the club. The first would not allow me to embed, but it's worth a watch. One of my favorite actors, known only as Blondie, performed a lot of songs by Haywood Banks in his role of Emil Bleehall over his 11 years at the club. the audience loved his version of "Toast" and you can click here to watch him perform it on his last night at the club as Emil.

*NOTE: The following videos were recorded with home video cameras and no professional sound. Please be aware that they are not the best quality by far.

These first four videos are from the final performance of the nightly "Radiothon". The Radiothon is the show in which the characters try to raise enough money to save the Adventurer's Club... but for the first time, it doesn't quite work.

And then there is the Balderdash Cup competition, which picks the "Adventurer of the Year". For the final night, Emil was joined by his Father for a final performance in front of years of club regulars.

Just like other actors, Emil got choked up during his final performance on the final night.

Of course, Blondie had to perform all of the songs he had ever performed at the Adventurer's Club for his final performance.

I want to say thank you to all of my friends at the club throughout the years. I will miss you all. Here's a final Kungaloosh to you...

And now, to prove I am the whitest man on Earth...

2008-10-05T17:35:00.002-04:00

...here is the greatest version of the 70's theme "Shaft" by Isaac Hayes. Here's the fun kicker: Ukelele!

It's time for the idiot to speak

2008-10-03T10:08:00.003-04:00

I was so happy when the nutbag Cynthia McKinney was voted out of office after striking a Capital Hill Police Officer. She had no business being there in the first place and I thought she would be forgotten.

But leave it to the Green Party to give her a platform by making her their presidential candidate. Okay, I'm all for anybody who wants being able to run for office. It's up to the voters to figure out who is worthy of office... unless you live in Kennedy country or New Orleans.

Now McKinney has gone too far. The bitch who has no idea which part of her anatomy she is talking out of had this to say (link here):

"Green Party presidential candidate Cynthia McKinney, known for her provocative statements when she was a congresswoman from Georgia, accused the Department of Defense this week of using Hurricane Katrina to cover up the slaughter of 5,000 prisoners."

Yes, you read correctly, McKinney... I am guessing because she's batshit crazy... is claiming that when we in the Department of Defense responded to Hurricane Katrina, we purposefully killed and disposed of over 5,000 prisoners.

"At a news conference in Oakland, Calif., on Sunday, McKinney claimed the Pentagon authorized the execution of the prisoners with one bullet to the head three years ago and then dumped their bodies in a Louisiana swamp.

McKinney said she heard the story from the mother of a National Guard soldier who said her son was assigned to help dispose of the bodies.

"And these were mostly males and her son was afraid to talk because he had signed a silence agreement," McKinney told the crowd. "So he only complained to his mother. But the data was entered into a Pentagon computer.""

I believe that McKinney should now be subpoenaed into testifying where she got her information. If she is saying it in public, she must have incontrovertible evidence or she would be committing libel against every single Soldier who responded to New Orleans for Hurricane Katrina... one of which was me.

She is actually saying that we killed 5,000 prisoners and sunk them in the swamp. Is this a damn country song?! Nobody could ever find 5,000 bodies in the swamp! And god knows that the Soldiers would all be quiet about it.

Oh, little news flash for you idiot McKinney: Soldiers don't have to or need to sign "silence agreements"!

This is the stupidest thing I have heard McKinney claim yet. She just needs to shut up and go away. Soon.

80's Video of the Day

2008-09-12T07:43:00.004-04:00

This is a video for the true 80's movie fan. It comes from the 1984 movie Electric Dreams and if you remember the movie, you get extra 80's cool points. If you saw it in the theater... as I'm sure at least two of us did... you get to sit in the front row today in your knit tie.

To catch the rest of you up, Electric Dreams was a mid-80's version of the computer taking over my life nightmare. A nerd (who has never touched a computer) named Miles Harding (Played very over-the-top by actor Lenny von Dohlen) buys a computer to make his life better, hooking it up to everything in his apartment. How this is even done in the mid-80's is never explained, but go with it.

Miles' upstairs neighbor is cellist Madeline Robistat played by none other than Virginia Madsen. Miles falls for the girl... but so does his computer! (Obviously named "Wang" for a reason)

It is one of the hokiest movies of the 80's, but features one of the greatest cello vs. computer battles since Julian Lloyd Webber took on a young Bill Gates. Enjoy!

Remember

2008-09-11T05:41:00.006-04:00

Today, you're going to hear, see and read a lot of stories revolving around 9/11. Stories of heroism, love and humanity at its finest helping other people in need. 9/11 was the one time when everybody really came together, regardless of race, religion or politics.

On that day, I was sitting in my living room in Longwood, Florida, getting ready for the day when my business partner called me from his home in New York City to tell me to turn on the television. He told me of the first reports of American Airlines flight 11 hitting the North Tower of the World Trade Center.

I turned the TV on just in time to see the live broadcast of United Airlines Flight 175 hit the South Tower. I, like many others, knew that my life had changed forever. By the time that American Airlines Flight 77 hit the Pentagon at 9:37 a.m., I was packing my military gear into my car, sure that I was going to get a call any moment.

Little did I know how closely my life would be tied to that terrorist act at the Pentagon shortly thereafter.

After being called up in early 2003 and subsequently mobilized to the Washington D.C. area, I came to work in the Pentagon for the Chief of Army Public Affairs. It is daunting enough to be a new part of the Pentagon, but I quickly found out that my office is part of the re-constructed building. You see, my desk sits in the direct flight-path of American Airlines Flight 77. I can walk out of my office and directly into the Pentagon Memorial.

My boss was here on September 11th and remembers it quite vividly. So were many of my co-workers. I have met many of the widows and widowers whose family members were killed that day. They scoff at the idiots who insist that 9/11 was a government cover-up or that it wasn't a plane at all that hit the Pentagon. I know people who watched the plane come in and hit the building. Tell them it wasn't a plane.

Today, the new September 11th Public Memorial will be dedicated here outside my doors. 16,000 invited guests will attend. This is now being called Patriot Day. I have always said that we are a nation of too many memorials and I'm sure I will feel that way again after today.

But today, there are going to be a lot of people here who still need to heal. Children who weren't old enough to remember September 11, 2001, who are just really learning about it now. Spouses and family members who will be visiting the site for the very first time. Today is for them.

At 8 a.m., the Pentagon Channel will be broadcasting the dedication ceremony live on their website. Whether you believe in God or not, at 8:46 a.m., we are asked to observe a moment of silence out of respect.

I hope we never have to observe that moment again...

Follow this link to see the story of the widow who started the funding for the Memorial.

Here is a fantastic video on the history of the Pentagon:

And the Oscar goes to...

2008-09-10T14:31:00.006-04:00

That's not a movie prop I'm holding, kids... that's an honest-to-goodness Academy Award! That's right, the Oscar! First, I would like to thank my hairdresser, who was obviously off today; then my publicist and manager; then my..

Okay, so it's not mine. The Oscar actually belongs to the United States Army. Bet you didn't know that we one an Academy Award long before Michael Moore and Al Gore, did you? The award was given in 1942 for Maj. Frank Capra's film Prelude to War. The little gold statute (which is quite heavy!) was actually lost after 1970 and recently turned up at Christie's Auction House, after which it was returned to the Army. Master Sgt. Kanessa Trent tells the story for Army News Service.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (Army News Service, Sept. 4, 2008) - Sixty-six years after first earning an Academy Award, the Oscar statuette is now back in the hands of the United States Army and bound for Washington, D.C., to be placed on display at the Pentagon.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences returned the Oscar to the care of the U.S. Army during a ceremony at the Pickford Center for Motion Picture Study Sept. 3.

The Oscar was earned by Maj. Frank Capra's 1942 documentary "Prelude to War," the first film in the United States Army Special Services' seven-picture "Why We Fight" series. Prelude to War was produced by the armed services to educate Americans, and new servicemen in particular, about the nation's objectives in entering World War II. It was required viewing by all troops entering the service.

"It is with the utmost respect that I hand over this Oscar statuette, which honors the film Prelude to War and serves as a symbol of filmmaking excellence not just in this country but around the world," said Sid Ganis, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science.

Brig. Gen. Jeffery Phillips, the Army's deputy chief of Public Affairs, accepted the award on behalf of the Army, saying he believes that Capra would be proud that the Oscar has "made its way home to be with Soldiers."

"The documentary series helped build public support for the war effort," Phillips said. "His films were also instrumental in ensuring that all members of our armed forces clearly understood what was at stake."

The history of the statuette is storied in its own right. The statuette returned to the U.S. Army is a duplicate requested by and granted to the Department of Defense in 1958 in connection with a special exhibition. In 1943, the actual object presented for documentary films was a plaque, not a statuette. That original plaque was presented to Col. Edward L. Munson Jr., who accepted it on behalf of the United States Army Special Services. Because of the war years' metal shortages, the 1943 awards presentation ceremony was the first in which the awards themselves were made of plaster.

After the end of World War II, everyone who received a plaster Oscar received a metal one - dipped in gold as they still are today. The Capra family possesses that original award - that is, the original replacement award.

Capra, who died in 1991, is best known for his direction of Academy-Award winning films "It Happened One Night (1934), "Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936), and "You Can't Take It With You (1938). He also directed then newly returned Army war veteran Jimmy Stewart in the Christmas classic "It's a Wonderful Life."

The Army had control of the returned statuette, which was on display until 1970 when the Army Pictorial Center closed. After that, the whereabouts of the Oscar became unknown, until June 2008 when Academy officials learned that Christie's auction house was offering the statuette for sale and notified the Army, which asserted its claim on the award.

"I offer special thanks to Academy President Sid Ganis and his staff for their efforts to secure this long-lost statuette and offer it back to the Army," Phillips said. "Your kindness is in keeping with the 60-year relationship the U.S. Army has had with the motion picture industry."

In a television interview, Brig. Gen. Phillips told the reporter that the statue had probably been in the same warehouse as the Ark of the Covenant from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I like to think that's true.

Phillips is one of my bosses and was kind enough to let us take a few pictures with the Oscar before it goes on permanent display and nobody can get anywhere near it. God knows it's probably as close as I'll ever get to one in my lifetime.

A touch of genius... from a stupid man

2008-09-04T10:15:00.003-04:00

Penn Jillette is the vocal and large half of the magic duo "Penn & Teller". He is an avowed atheist and Libertarian, believing that our founding fathers called for limited government in order to ensure freedom for all of us.

I was surprised but happy to find that CNN online had published an editorial written by Jillette yesterday. It's an amazing insight as to how an outsider can have a better understanding of the political process than anybody in Washington.

(CNN) -- Everyone I talk to seems to think the president of the United States right now is stupid.

The Bush presidency is stupid speeches, stupid high gas prices, stupid bad economy, stupid war on terrorism, stupid war on drugs, stupid hurricane fixing, stupid global warming, stupid war -- stupid, stupid, stupid.

They all seem to think we need to get a smarter guy in the White House fast, and Bush is so stupid, that task shouldn't be too hard.

Not me.

I'd like to say that I believe every president in United States history, including the stupid one we have now, is smarter than me. My alma mater is Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Greatest Show on Earth Clown College, so I'm damning with faint praise, but I'm stupider than this here stupid president.

Maybe I'm less stupider than Bush than I'm stupider than Jefferson. But I'm stupider than all the stupid in both of them put together.

The idea, especially from the Democrats that I know, is, we just get a smarter guy in the White House, and all the problems will go away. We'll have smart speeches, smart high gas prices, smart bad economy, smart war on terrorism, smart war on drugs, smart hurricanes, smart global warming, smart war in Georgia -- smart, smart, smart.

Barack Obama is way smarter than Bush -- so way, way smarter than me. Obama is way more charismatic than me. He did his big speech for about 80,000 people; I'll do my show tonight in Vegas for about 1,000 people. He's more ambitious than I; he's going to be the next president of the United States, and I couldn't even get to week three of "Dancing with the Stars."

Obama is a great leader. He can fire people up and get them to do what he wants. He does smart speeches that promise everyone everything they need and make us feel good about our country and how much greater our government could be.

But I don't think our next president being a great leader is a good thing.

I'm worried about someone smarter than Bush taking over that tremendous power. Charisma and ambition increase my fear exponentially, and a great leader scares me to death.

We need someone stupid enough to understand that the president of the United States can't solve many problems without taking away freedom and therefore shouldn't try. The only reason John McCain scares me a little less is because I think he's a little less likely to win. They both promise a government that will watch over us, and I don't like that.

I don't want anyone as president who promises to take care of me. I may be stupid, but I want a chance to try to be a grown-up and take care of my family. Freedom means the freedom to be stupid, and that's what I want. I don't want anyone to feel my pain or tell me to ask what we can do for our country, or give us all money and take care of us.

Gene Healy at the Cato Institute explains that the Founding Fathers wanted the president "to faithfully execute the laws, defend the country from attack and check Congress with the veto power whenever it exceeded its constitutional bounds."

That sounds like plenty to me. You gotta be smarter than me to do all that, but you don't have to be as smart as Obama, and you sure don't have to be a great leader.

Our first seven presidents averaged a bit more than three public speeches a year, and they didn't promise jobs for everyone, day care, dental exams and free stuff.

It's really hard to find someone who trusts Americans to take care of themselves and each other without government force. It's hard to find someone running for president who would be content to be what George Washington humbly called the "chief magistrate."

I think Ron Paul and Bob Barr mean it when they say they want much smaller government. But the government is already big enough, powerful enough and bipartisan enough (and "bi" means exactly two and no more) that Ron and/or Bob won't even be in the debates. People won't even hear someone suggesting that our president should do less and individual citizens should do more for themselves.

The choice shouldn't be which lesser of two evils should have the enormous power of our modern presidents. The question should be, who would do less as president? Who would leave us alone?

If we could find a lazier, less charismatic, stupider person than me to be president, I'd be all for it. But, it's not going to be easy; stupider than me is rare breed.

So remember, the only way to waste your vote is to vote!

It brings tears of joy to my eyes...

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog News

2008-09-03T15:04:00.002-04:00

For those who are fans of Joss Whedon's Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, the moment has finally arrived! The soundtrack is now available on iTunes! Go there now and download the music that will make you an instant Whedon fanatic!

To watch the entire program, go here. To read the lyrics and liner notes, go here.

Rumors, Speculation, and Truth?

2008-09-03T11:05:00.002-04:00

The Republicans have a vice-presidential candidate... let the speculation begin!

Okay, what is the first sign that there will be people gunning at Alaska Governor Sarah Palin with both barrels? She's a MILF. (If you don't know what the acronym MILF stands for by now, look it up.) But she's not just any MILF, she's a young MILF who has a hot, athletic husband for the ladies and children ranging in ages from 18 down to a couple of months old.

Unless the youngest child isn't hers...

Rumor #1: The baby that was born to Palin mere months ago was actually her oldest daughter's daughter... and the father is Palin's husband!

Good God, how do these things get started?! Very simple, an Internet blog site that left-wing media people frequent starts the rumor and it gets picked up by everybody and their brother. The rumor started at the Daily Kos, as most of these rumors have.

the baby has Downs Syndrome and now her 17-year old daughter has turned up pregnant. What could lead the rumor mill better? Who needs proof when rumor flies much better? Even the photos of Palin doing interviews while pregnant have been dismissed by the idiots who just want to believe she is evil as a trick, possibly a pregnancy suit. Give me a damn break.

Rumor #2: Palin was a member of the Alaska Independence Party, a party which has called for Alaska to secede from the union.

Not only was there no evidence that she was a member of the party, but her voter registration records have now been released, proving that she is a life-long Republican. Her husband was a member of the party, however. Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo had this to say since he had no proof that Sarah herself ever shared her husband's political views, whatever they may be:

Todd Palin, husband of Sarah, was a member of the secessionist Alaska Independence Party from 1995 through 2002. That's the information we just got from the Alaska Division of elections.

Probably not coincidentally, 2002 was the first time Sarah Palin ran for statewide office in Alaska.

That's right, no coincidence at all! Wait a minute, what is that even supposed to mean?

Of course, if you read back into the Daily Kos files, they claimed that she absolutely WAS a member of the AIP.

Country First or Alaska First?
by georgia10
Tue Sep 02, 2008 at 08:30:27 AM PDT

Now that it has been confirmed that McCain's VP was once a member of the controversial Alaskan Independence Party (AIP), a group that seeks, among other things, a vote on whether Alaska should secede from the Union, many questions remain unanswered (see background here, here, here and here). While she is now and has been a member of the Republican Party for over a decade, when she was a member of the AIP, did she agree with their platform? What drew her to a group who's motto is "Alaska first, Alaska always"? And how does her history with such a group affect her governing philosophy now that she is a national candidate?

There are several other rumors out there which are started by various resources. Stop paying attention to the rumors and look at the problems she has had being a governor and mayor of a small town. Just like every other politician, she has problems which I can't abide in her past... trying to get books banned from a public library, approving the use of earmarks, and others.

Now THAT'S what I call Justice!

2008-09-02T16:21:00.002-04:00

Thanks to the good folks at the Weekly Vice:

Tampa, Florida (The Weekly Vice) -- Lorenzo Earl Knight, a 22-year-old Florida man was arrested on burglary and theft charges after police say he broke into a vehicle and then hid in a nearby portable toilet. Before police arrived however, Mr. Knight discovered why a port-a-potty is the last place a burglar wants to hide.

Investigators say the incident began when Lorenzo Knight broke into a 1999 Ford F-150 in a mall parking lot Saturday and allegedly stole a $500 digital camera along with it's owner's manual.

Knight was attempting to break into a 2nd truck, when the automobile's owner and a friend spotted him and gave chase, according to the police report.

Knight fled the scene to a nearby construction site and attempted to hide in a portable toilet that was also on the site. The truck's owner and his friend soon caught up to Knight and tipped the portable toilet over, trapping Knight inside the toilet until police could arrive.

When officers arrived, they found Knight still inside the toilet, soaking wet in the toilet's contents. Authorities also recovered a screwdriver that Knight used to jimmy the truck's lock and a shoe he left at the scene, according to Tampa Police.

Knight was arrested on the "spot" and charged with two counts of burglary and one count of grand theft. He was booked into the Orient Road Jail and then released Sunday morning after posting a $6,000 bond.

Smilin' Bob softens up

2008-09-02T15:18:00.003-04:00

If you've watched bad television at any time in the past few years like I am prone to, you have seen the commercials for the male enhancement drug Enzyte featuring the character Smilin' Bob. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch it below:

Funny, right? but you would never think of actually buying a pill featuring a goofy, smiling guy, right? Unfortunately, many people did. Normally, when a product is advertised as "natural" or "homeopathic", they can get away with anything they want. Enzyte contained no medicine and the founder of the company is now going to jail. From the March 14th JREF Swift Communication:

A federal court jury in Cincinnati has found the owner of a company that sells phony "male enhancement" tablets and other herbal supplements, guilty of "conspiracy to commit mail fraud," "bank fraud" and "money laundering."

[...]

Prosecutors claim that customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company's refusal to accept returns or cancel orders.

[...]

Some former employees of Enzyte testified that the company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about the product's effectiveness.

This is fantastic news and in last Friday's Swift, the news was broken that Steve Warshak, founder of Berekley Premium Nutraceuticals, makers of Enzyte, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison and ordered to repay more than $500 million!

A 2004 Associated Press article about Warshak outlined how easy it is to bilk the public.

Just three years since an Ohio salesman started selling penis enlargement pills out of a spare room in his house, his company is raking in more than $200 million a year on unproven palliatives for virtually every malady of the middle-aged middle class.

There’s Enzyte, his original product for “natural male enhancement,” and Avlimil, its female equivalent. Dromias is for insomnia, Altovis for fatigue. Numovil fights memory loss and Rogisen, deteriorating vision. Rovicid is supposed to lower your cholesterol.

[...]

“Our ultimate goal is to be the nutraceutical Pfizer, to provide the best dietary supplements and vitamins and minerals and all the naturals that consumers want,” Warshak said in a recent interview.

The history of Warshak’s company, Cincinnati-based Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, demonstrates just how easy it has become to peddle faux pharmaceuticals in today’s marketplace. Unlike drugs, which must be proven safe and effective before they can be sold, nutritional supplements are regulated pretty much like any other consumer product. They’re legal as long as they don’t do any harm, the pills actually contain whatever ingredients are listed on the bottle and the manufacturer doesn’t make claims about them that aren’t backed up by scientific evidence.

“They can’t claim to cure disease, but they can use words that suggest it,” said Arthur P. Grollman, a professor of pharmacological sciences at the State University of New York in Stony Brook who has testified to Congress about dietary supplements.

But what is it that has finally done Warshak in?

Last month, the federal Food and Drug Administration sent Warshak a letter demanding that he stop claiming Rovicid can lower cholesterol and prevent heart disease. The letter also objected to the marketing of Prulato for the prevention of prostate cancer and Rogisen for macular degeneration, an eye disease that leads to blindness.

[...]

Consumers have lodged more than 3,000 complaints with the Cincinnati Better Business Bureau about Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals and related corporate entities. Jocile Ehrlich, the bureau’s president, said she has never seen anything like the number of consumer beefs Berkeley has generated.

It seems the company has been offering free trial samples of its products and then enrolling those who call for them in a “Value Added Program” that automatically ships a new supply every month, billing the refill to the customer’s credit card.

[...]

That’s just because people don’t understand what nutraceuticals are, Warshak protests.

“They’re not a replacement for pharmaceuticals,” he said.

The way he sees it, life has three stages: youth, middle age and old age. When you’re young, everything works fine. You don’t have to do anything to keep yourself healthy. In middle age, things begin to slow down. And finally, in stage three, real disease sets in. That’s when it’s time to see a doctor about prescription medications.

Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals are for the middle stage, before things really go downhill, Warshak explains.

So, Enzyte is a gateway drug to old age? How about the most telling part of Warshak's interview:

As for Berkeley’s products, Warshak considers it misguided to talk about effectiveness.

“It’s not about whether something works or doesn’t work,” he said. “It’s more about whether it can help or not.”

I always thought that a drug had to BE effective in order to help, but I may just be naive.

By the way, here's how much of an ass Warshak is... he involved his entire family in his scams and they are being convicted with him. To read the government's official case against Warshak, go here. Here is the Federal Trade Commission's (FTC) official press release on the case:

FTC Charges Sellers of Avlimil, Rogisen, And Other Dietary Supplements
Company Charged Customers for “Free” Samples; Made Deceptive Claims for Some Pills
The Federal Trade Commission has filed charges against marketers selling dietary supplements, including Avlimil and Rogisen. According to the complaint, the defendants have been offering consumers “free” samples of their dietary supplements, and then enrolling them in a program that automatically shipped them more pills and billed them for those shipments, even though most consumers never agreed to participate in the program. The FTC also charged that two of the products, which were marketed as treatments for female sexual dysfunction (Avlimil) and night vision problems (Rogisen), do not live up to the advertising claims.

The defendants, Steve Warshak and his companies, have marketed and sold more than a dozen dietary supplements – including Avlimil, Rogisen, and Enzyte – that they claimed offered a variety of health benefits, including treating male and female sexual dysfunction, improving sleep, fighting fatigue, aiding weight loss, and improving skin, night vision, and heart health, among other benefits. They offered “free” samples through radio, television, and print ads and through the Internet, inviting consumers to contact them. The ads have run on cable television networks, including ESPN, Comedy Central, Oxygen, Soap Net, and Lifetime, and in magazines such as Forbes, Playboy, Cosmopolitan, Oprah, Better Homes and Gardens, Psychology Today, and Redbook.

The FTC charged that after consumers provided credit or debit card information to pay the $4.50 shipping and handling fee for the “free” samples, the defendants used that information to bill the consumers for future shipments that they sent automatically. The defendants enrolled consumers in the continuity program and automatically billed them on a recurring basis without obtaining the consumers’ express, informed consent and without disclosing the terms and conditions of the plan, according to the FTC complaint. In addition, they did not obtain written authorization for recurring debits. Then, the defendants often made the process to cancel the shipments very difficult. Consumers attempting to cancel often encountered busy telephone lines, Web sites that did not work, and were put on hold indefinitely. Many consumers who were able to reach a company representative were nevertheless denied refunds.

For one of their dietary supplements, Avlimil, the FTC charged that the defendants made false and unsubstantiated claims. Avlimil was advertised to treat female sexual dysfunction and provide female sexual enhancement. In their advertising, the defendants cited a clinical study that allegedly proved Alvlimil was safe and effective. In fact, according to the complaint, Avlimil’s ingredients differ substantially from the ingredients in the product actually tested in the clinical study featured in the Avlimil advertisements, and defendants made unsubstantiated claims about the product’s efficacy. The FTC also charged that the defendants made unsubstantiated claims that another dietary supplement, Rogisen, improves night vision.

The complaint names Steve Warshak, Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, Inc., LifeKey, Inc., Warner Health Care, Inc., and Wagner Nutraceuticals, Inc. as defendants. The complaint also names Carri Warshak, Harriet Warshak, and Paul Kellogg as relief defendants – individuals who are not accused of wrongdoing, but have allegedly received ill-gotten gains and do not have a legitimate claim to them.

The Commission vote authorizing the staff to file the complaint was 4-0. The complaint was filed on January 30, 2006, in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Ohio.

Can products like "Head-On" and "AirBorne" be far behind?

Photos of the Day

2008-09-02T13:09:00.005-04:00

I have tried to do this kind of picture several times with Nicki's dog, Gilbert. Gilbert is a big, goofy, loving Lab and, as such, doesn't do too well at sitting still long enough for me to photograph. Although someday I am going to post a great video of Gilbert torturing a Hamster in a plastic ball. It is classic video!

While visiting my girlfriend this past weekend, I was able to get some great shots of her dog, Lennie. Lennie is one of the laziest but lovingest dogs on the planet and is more than willing to ignore me as I take photos of him.

I love close-ups and in the first picture, I was able to catch a bit of myself in the reflection in Lennie's eye:

I just love the detail in the second shot:

And here are the originals the close-ups were taken from:

Now if I can just get Gilbert to sit still...

Remember, Republicans are the violent ones

2008-09-02T11:45:00.003-04:00

During the Democratic National Convention, there were peaceful protests, mostly by liberals who were hounding their own party about the war in Iraq. (Anti-Bush posters at the DNC?! Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose?)

Not once did you see a right-wing fringe group start trouble with police or start breaking windows in the downtown area. When Michelle Malkin was ridiculed and berated, she refused to get into a shouting match and ignored the idiot. Protesters even came to her defense.

After all, remember, the Republicans are the violent ones who start wars. And to prove it, a group of left-wing militants have become extremely violent at the Republican National Convention. How violent?

A blogger who calls himself Nihilo Zero, which I think is Latin for "Idiot Zero", openly advocates taking violent action against the "corporations":

While I greatly appreciate the efforts of those preparing for this protest, I would ask that they prepare with both eyes open. They need to know that thousands of law enforcement officials, from all the agencies, will be in town with the Republican delegates. AGAIN, I write this not to discourage but only to prepare. There will be cops in full riot gear, on bikes and horses, in helicopters, and on rooftops. There will undoubtedly be undercover officers amongst the protesters themselves at every stage. I will repeat sage advice here, do not engage or cooperate with the law enforcement officials in any way that can be helped.

The anger and the ferocity of the protesters will vary, but I ask you to consider who your real allies are and who the actual enemy is. While some will stay on the parade routes, some will not. Still others might lock-down to block delegates or to draw more attention to the protest. And lastly, still others might even vandalize corporate property. And concerning this last group I ask you to consider this... the bank whose window they smash (or spraypaint) may have foreclosed on their family's home, pulled an Enron on their life savings, or maybe that corporation simply supported the war machine and deforestation. Vandalism is not violence, causing bankruptcy or starvation or war actually is. It is a betrayal of the protest to assist the police in catching petty vandals (who may be morally justified in their actions).

It will be HOT in early September, even in Minnesota! Dress accordingly and carry enough water for at least yourself. You may also want to carry simple but effective particle filter masks in case the police start indiscriminately using pepper-spray or tear-gas. You do not want the protest to end just because the police start using their typical heavy-handed tactics, but do wear comfortable shoes in case you have to run. Carry cameras to film the POLICE, not to document any misdeeds of your fellow protesters. Consider being a legal observer or a street medic.

Where the hell do I start here?!

I will repeat sage advice here, do not engage or cooperate with the law enforcement officials in any way that can be helped. This is sage advice?! This is the same moron who would blame the police for not reacting fast enough if his pathetic little squatter's house was being robbed.

Vandalism is not violence, causing bankruptcy or starvation or war actually is. It is a betrayal of the protest to assist the police in catching petty vandals (who may be morally justified in their actions). Vandalism is NOT VIOLENCE?! If I own a business and you start vandalizing my storefront, I'm coming after you! I guarantee that there will be violence and I will be the one left standing!

You may also want to carry simple but effective particle filter masks in case the police start indiscriminately using pepper-spray or tear-gas. You do not want the protest to end just because the police start using their typical heavy-handed tactics, but do wear comfortable shoes in case you have to run. You have the nerve to say the vandalism is not violent yet call the police heavy-handed?! Yes, there have been many cases of police over-reaction, but that does NOT give you the right to destroy property and claim the moral high-ground, jackass!

And why am I so heated about this today? Because, as dumbass predicted, there has been violence at the RNC. Not just your run-of-the-mill glass breakage, but anarchists throwing bags of cement and sand onto buses heading to the RNC, including a bus full of Cub Scouts! That's right, children!

Nicki already did a great post about "where is the media on this story" since they would be frothing at the mouth if this happened at the DNC with Olberman calling it a vast right-wing conspiracy, so I'm not going to touch that angle.

I get pissed off when the double standard says that violence against the RNC is justified while any violence committed against a liberal or at the DNC would have been automatically treated as a hate crime. I watch all of the 24-hour news stations while at work and I have seen very little coverage of the violence, amounting to about 15 second glimpses of a coward with a bandanna around his face breaking a store window. That's it. And then, back to the non-existent hurricane news.

We'll see what kind of coverage it gets later on.

Tribute to Don LaFontaine

2008-09-02T09:58:00.004-04:00

When I first started doing voiceover and radio work years ago, I wanted to find out who was the best at it. I didn't want to emulate him or her, I just wanted to see how they did it.

I searched for THE voice, the one that stood out above all others. At that time, I also worked movie theaters and would always hear the deep, resonant tones of the guy who was doing most of the movie trailers. I had heard that voice for years... it had become a part of the entire movie-going experience. I took that voice for granted until I actually sat down and listened actively to hear the timbre and diction of the voice. It was like hearing God.

I found out that voice was none other than Don LaFontaine, the hardest working and busiest voiceover talent in the business. Don was in such demand that, in the days before home studios, he bought a limo and hired a driver to take him from job to job every day. Everybody wanted Don's voice on their product. Below is a fantastic short produced for the Hollywood Reporter Key Art Awards which takes place in Don't limo, featuring the best voiceover guys of the time.

Don also loved America and her troops and never balked at the chance to do voice-over work at no charge if the cause was right. He recently recorded a version of the Non-Commissioned Officer's Creed, something we in the Army live by. It has not been made into a video yet, but as soon as it is, I will post it. The next spot is his reading of the Pledge of Allegiance.

This is some shaky video, but it is a great look at Don't career.

And, of course, Don has become best known for this Geico commercial.

If you want to see Don at his very best, go to his website and watch the Key Art Awards Pt. 2: A tribute video to Don LaFontaine. It is a classic!

I had always wanted to meet Don, figuring I had plenty of time. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Don passed away yesterday. Those of us who are members of Voiceover Universe received an email from his best friend, Paul Pape, last evening:

It is very hard to write these words. My friend, Don LaFontaine, the husband of a most beautiful wife, Nita and the father of three beautiful girls, passed away today at the age of 68. In a quite sudden reversal of the progress he had been making the last few days, Don took ill again and passed away at around 1:50PM this afternoon (9/1/08).

The entertainment world has lost a true gentleman, talent, and history. I never met Don LaFontaine, but I can imagine that now God has somebody to do his talking for him.

Ed "Too Tall" Freeman: Tribute to a real Soldier

2008-08-21T16:20:00.003-04:00

In November of 1965, the first major battle of Vietnam took place in the Ia Drang Valley. You may have heard about it... it was made into a book entitled We Were Soldiers Once... and Young written by war correspondent Joseph L. Galloway and Lieutenant General (Ret.) Hal Moore and later a major motion picture starring Mel Gibson.

The battle became famous for two reasons: first, the American forces were greatly outnumbered, yet stood their ground against all odds. Second, they used Huey helicopters to shuttle men and supplies to the battlefield. Capt. Freeman was one of those Huey pilots, along with his lifelong friend Maj. Bruce Crandall.

After the battle at Landing Zone X-Ray heated up to the point at which Moore thought it was unsafe, he closed the LZ. The Hueys had made only two flight missions to the LZ at that point. A decision was made and Freeman and Crandall made another 12 rescue missions into a hot LZ, risking everything to help save their men.

Ed Freeman died yesterday. In July 16, 2001, he was awarded the Medal of Honor... the highest honor any military man can receive. Following is his Medal of Honor citation:

Captain Ed W. Freeman, United States Army, distinguished himself by numerous acts of conspicuous gallantry and extraordinary intrepidity on 14 November 1965 while serving with Company A, 229th Assault Helicopter Battalion, 1st Cavalry Division (Airmobile). As a flight leader and second in command of a 16-helicopter lift unit, he supported a heavily engaged American infantry battalion at Landing Zone X-Ray in the Ia Drang Valley, Republic of Vietnam. The unit was almost out of ammunition after taking some of the heaviest casualties of the war, fighting off a relentless attack from a highly motivated, heavily armed enemy force. When the infantry commander closed the helicopter landing zone due to intense direct enemy fire, Captain Freeman risked his own life by flying his unarmed helicopter through a gauntlet of enemy fire time after time, delivering critically needed ammunition, water and medical supplies to the besieged battalion. His flights had a direct impact on the battle's outcome by providing the engaged units with timely supplies of ammunition critical to their survival, without which they would almost surely have gone down, with much greater loss of life. After medical evacuation helicopters refused to fly into the area due to intense enemy fire, Captain Freeman flew 14 separate rescue missions, providing life-saving evacuation of an estimated 30 seriously wounded soldiers -- some of whom would not have survived had he not acted. All flights were made into a small emergency landing zone within 100 to 200 meters of the defensive perimeter where heavily committed units were perilously holding off the attacking elements. Captain Freeman's selfless acts of great valor, extraordinary perseverance and intrepidity were far above and beyond the call of duty or mission and set a superb example of leadership and courage for all of his peers. Captain Freeman's extraordinary heroism and devotion to duty are in keeping with the highest traditions of military service and reflect great credit upon himself, his unit and the United States Army.

Below is a piece produced by the Soldiers Media Center for his friend, Maj. Bruce Crandall, when Crandall received his long overdue Medal of Honor. It shows the playfulness between the two after knowing each other for 50 years.

I hope everybody who reads this will join me in raising a glass wherever you are tonight to the memory of Capt. Ed "Too Tall" Freeman.

Bigfoot hoaxers: Uh, sorry?

2008-08-21T15:39:00.004-04:00

It was all a joke from the beginning. That's what Rick Dyer and Matt Whitton are now saying. When they decided to freeze a Bigfoot costume in ice and tell the world it was the real thing, it was just a big joke. Ha ha! Come on, laugh with us.

Okay, I'm laughing because those who were taken in by this hoax did everything they could to be taken in. They wanted to believe so they believed, no matter what the evidence showed. They grabbed onto the smallest gleam of hope that these two had found the holy grail of simian evolution, the prayer of anybody who wants to prove that the unprovable is, indeed, real. Boy, I would hate to be in on the FoxNews meetings over the past couple of days.

CNN unearthed the pair, who have been missing ever since they took money from Tom Biscardi for the right to unthaw the Bigfoot. Let's see, they held a world-wide press conference announcing their "discovery", misrepresented what they had by selling the "Bigfoot" to a man for about $50,000, and then disappeared. Oh yes, and Whitton lost his job as a cop because his old boss said that he has proven that he is untrustworthy.

But they're sorry. Really.

In an exclusive interview with CNN affiliate WSB, the two hoaxers -- car salesman Rick Dyer and now-fired police officer Matt Whitton -- said the whole situation began as a joke and then got out of hand.

"It's just a big hoax, a big joke," Dyer told WSB.

"It's Bigfoot," Dyer explained. "Bigfoot doesn't exist."

Whitton chimed in: "All this was a big joke. It got into something way bigger than it was supposed to be."

Aren't you laughing? Actually, I am... very loudly.

The two hoaxers have hired attorney Steve Lister to represent them.

"There have been some threats made to them for both civil and criminal prosecution," said Lister.

The attorney says the Bigfoot incident "got out of hand."

Really?! Got out of hand?! Yes, you could say that. I am just hoping that this is a lesson for these media outlets who grabbed onto this story like Rosie O'Donnell on, well, anything edible. People are always coming forward with individual photos or blurry video of aliens, UFOs, or other things that they can't prove and the media loves it. It's like the less proof there is to be had, the better for ratings.

I do love the final quote from the article, though.

Dyer, asked if ever thought that the hoopla had become more than just a joke, implied that everyone should have known it was a hoax.

"Well, we told 10 different stories," he said. "Everyone knew we were lying."

Hmmmmm...

Of course, luckily for all, we happen to have the only real footage of a Sasquatch ever found. It was filmed by the government when it attacked a government agent and was recently released through the Freedom of Information Act.

Saying Goodbye to a great commander

2008-08-21T12:41:00.003-04:00

Since I joined the Maryland National Guard, my commander at the 29th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment has been Maj. Kristine Henry, a good officer who actually cares about her troops.

But now Maj. Henry is trading in her oak leaf to take on a much more important job... as a teacher. She is a high school geometry and algebra teacher so, as you would suspect, she has to really dumb-down what she says when she talks to me.

She was featured today in a story in the Washington Post about the problems her school system faces with budgeting concerns, but it was nice to see a Soldier being portrayed in a positive light by the Post for once.

So long, Maj. Henry... we'll miss you. Keep the integers flowing.

Your Police Department at work

2008-08-21T10:23:00.003-04:00

Most Police officers are upstanding citizens who really are just trying to protect people and help. But every once in a while, you find a cop who is so into his own power, he thinks he can get away with anything. Such is that story of a Cheyenne, Wyoming officer named John F. Gay III.

During a presentation on Internet Safety... a subject which I do believe needs to be discussed with every child... Officer Gay went over the line by exhibiting student's MySpace pages in front of the entire assembly and telling them that he had shared their information with a sexual predator currently in prison in order to get his reaction! From the Coloradoan.com:

The officer, John F. Gay III of the Cheyenne Police Department, picked out six or seven Windsor High School students' MySpace pages and began to criticize photos, comments and other content until one student left the room crying.

"He told the entire student body that he had shared her info with a sexual predator in prison," said Ty Nordic, whose daughter Shaylah Nordic's MySpace page was put on display.

Shaylah Nordic said Gay told the student body that the predator said he would masturbate to her picture and then "tear her apart."

"He told a story about a girl in another state who was tracked through MySpace who was raped and shot and then said Shayla's page is inviting people to do the exact same things to her," Ty Nordic said.

Holy hell! This idiot decided to embarrass students in order to scare them straight?! Is this what I'm getting here? He actually shared a student's information with an imprisoned sexual predator?!

Shaylah Nordic left the room as Gay mocked some of her pictures. Gay pulled up her phone number and called her on stage to demonstrate how easy it was to get ahold of contact information via the Internet.

"The whole school saw my phone number so I am getting texts from people I don't know," Shaylah Nordic said.

It has always been easy to get a person's contact information from a phone number. In the old days, we had telephone books with addresses. This crap just wreaks of panicking people for your own ends. I don't give a damn if he thinks he is protecting these kids, he had no right whatsoever to do what he did.

But, of course, the faculty put an immediate stop to it, right?

While some students protested Gay's commentary, faculty and staff did nothing, witnesses said.

[...]

Windsor High School Principal Rick Porter said Wednesday that he was aware of what the speaker was going to talk about and that he would likely use a couple MySpace pages of Windsor High School students as an example.

Porter said he had no idea that Gay was going to make his presentation in the manner he did or use the language he is accused of using. Porter was only at the two assemblies briefly, students said.

"I was very disappointed," Porter said. "I never heard him say things like that before."

Porter, however, does believe in the message that Gay was trying to present.

"I am apologizing to everyone who was embarrassed and humiliated," Porter said. "But I do not apologize for the message of Internet safety. It's a very good message."

As an administrator, how can you not review what is being said to your students? How can you defend what was done? He was only going to use a couple of MySpace pages? Did he have permission to do so? I realize they are public pages, but these are kids! Teenagers who you obviously have no idea what they are doing any more than their parents. They will be mercilessly ridiculed now because of this one moment in time.

Nordic said she is being ridiculed at school because of the presentation, and it may be weeks before other students let it go.

"Basically what he portrayed me as is a slutty girl with all these pictures, and that's not who I am at all," she said.

[...]

April Riggs said her MySpace page was also put on display and mocked, although she was not at the assembly.

"Me and my best friend are in a lot of those pictures. We have our arms around each other, and he was saying that I was touching her," Riggs said. "That just sucks because I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me."

So now I congratulate you, Officer Gay. You have succeeded not only in embarrassing kids in front of the entire school, but you have also made yourself look like a prime asshole.

As I said in the beginning, I believe whole-heartedly that children should be taught about Internet safety. They should also be taught gun safety, vehicle safety, and how to push their thumb into eye of any stranger who tries to take them away. But there is a right way to do it and a very wrong way. To share a student's information with a known felon is wrong on so many levels I cannot begin to describe it.

I believe that parents have the responsibility to monitor their child's computer usage for improper images, etc., not the government's. There were sexual predators long before the advent of the Internet, you have to teach your child what is right and wrong. But this is the kind of officer who will say that it was worth it if he got to one child. Unfortunately, he has lost the trust of an entire school full of children in the process.

T-Shirt of the Day

2008-08-20T07:24:00.004-04:00

Order it here... if you dare!

Man hit by lightning on wedding day

2008-08-20T07:05:00.004-04:00

Sorry, but this is just too good a story not to pass on. What would you think if you were about to get married and got hit by lightning? Maybe that you need to go to the hospital, put the wedding off until you know you're okay? Or that maybe... just maybe... some mythical god-like figure, possibly named Thor, is throwing lightning bolts at you as a possible warning?

EVERGREEN, Colo. -- An Evergreen man escaped serious injury after he was hit by lightning just hours before he was to be married.

Mike Speck said he was in his back yard getting ready for a pre-wedding party when the lightning bolt hit.

"It was so bright," Speck told 7NEWS. "You can hear the electricity go 'Zzzzzz.'"

[...]

Speck's wife said she is happy he's OK, but couldn't believe what was happening.

"I cannot even tell you. I was seriously a nervous wreck anyway," Dawn Speck said. "It was just crazy."

Paramedics arrived, checked Speck out and said he would be OK. The wedding went off without a hitch.

"It was a great wedding," Speck said.

I'm happy he's alive and well, but, really, why would you not go to the hospital after being hit by lightning? I think the last sentence in the story is the absolutely funniest line of the week, especially since it's placed at the end of this particular story (please remove all liquid from the immediate area):

The couple chose to be married at 8:08 p.m. on Aug. 8, 2008 because eight is a lucky number.

We can't make this up...

Speaking of other news we can't make up...

I have figured out that Joel Anderson, who writes for the Tampa Bay Times, is a comedy writer just waiting for his big break and I love that. Take a look at the first two paragraphs of his story about a fight at a local 7-11:

SPRING HILL — Words were exchanged, a pocketbook was thrown at a pickup, and a man and several women went at each other outside a 7-Eleven store with Mace and a can of boiled peanuts, deputies say.

When it was all settled, the Tuesday morning brawl left several people with minor injuries and criminal citations, and nearly 25 braided hair extensions strewn across the parking lot.

I love morning news.

Big shock, no Bigfoot

2008-08-20T05:30:00.004-04:00

Last week, the media, led by woo-woo lover FoxNews, was pulled testicals-first into a Bigfoot story concocted by "Bigfoot Hunters" Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer. They claimed to have the frozen carcass of a dead Bigfoot they had found in northern Georgia and they released one close-up photo of what, to me, looked to be a gorilla costume in a freezer at a huge press conference in Palo Alto, California.

Well guess what? Sit down for this shock... It WAS a costume!

These two conmen have pulled off a scam on Tom Biscardi, owner of the website Searching for Bigfoot. Biscardi paid the two a total of $50,000 for the right to examine their frozen "Bigfoot". I'll let Steve Kulls, Executive Director of Squatchdetective.com and Host of Squatchdetective Radio, fill in the details:

The following are my observations and the facts as I understand and know them:

On August 1st, 2008 Tom Biscardi traveled to Georgia and on August 2nd was given a sample, allegedly, from the corpse, for DNA testing. The DNA was hand delivered to Dr. Curt Nelson of Michigan and a chain of custody of the said sample was maintained from the time it was received from Ricky Dyer and Matthew Whitton.

On August 4th, 2008 both Matthew Whitton and Ricky Dyer entered a legally binding contract with Searching For Bigfoot, Inc .recognizing the fact that Searching for Bigfoot, had absolutely nothing to do in the demise or storage of the corpse until such time as it was transferred to Searching For Bigfoot for the benefit of scientific study, marketing and promotion.

On August 10th, 2008 Tom Biscardi received an email from Dr. Nelson that after the amplifications of two of the three samples, that the size of the DNA was consistent with human/ape DNA.

On or about August 12th, 2008, Matthew Whitton and Ricky Dyer requested an undisclosed sum of money as an advance, expected from the marketing and promotion, and as a good faith gesture of the contract.

On August 14th, 2008, after signing a transfer receipt for the amount money requested and counting said money, Matthew Whitton and Ricky Dyer led the Searching for Bigfoot Team to a location and turned over a freezer with something appearing large, hairy, and frozen in ice.

On August 15th, 2008, Tom Biscardi, Ricky Dyer and Matthew Whitton held a press conference at the Cabana Hotel in Paolo Alto, California, announcing that the corpse of a creature fitting the description known as “Bigfoot” had been discovered. A police officer of seven years, on medical leave, labeled as a hero for being wounded in the line of duty, got up in front of the world and told the world of how he and Ricky Dyer uncovered this creature. This has since been proven a lie. It is notable that Rick Dyer insisted on this press conference and told Tom Biscardi he would not release the “body” unless the conference was held on this specific date.

On August 16th, 2008 the freezer containing the alleged corpse arrived with the Searching For Bigfoot Team. I arrived on location at 6PM to provide initial verification examination, biohazard control and consult for security measures at the location. At that time the ice was being thawed slowly without aid, to prevent any decomposition of the alleged corpse. We estimated that the freezer and its contents weighed over 1500 pounds and it would take several days or longer to thaw completely.

On August 17th, 2008 Searching for Bigfoot Team Director of Field Operations, TJ Biscardi and myself, were up early to discover that some hair was now exposed. I extracted some from the alleged corpse and examined it and had some concerns. Bob Schmalzbach arrived and concurred. We burned said sample and said hair sample melted into a ball uncharacteristic of hair.

At that time we contacted Mr. Biscardi who gave us permission to begin an expedited melting process. We set up a salamander heater to heat the freezer. Within one hour we were able to see the partially exposed head, as I was now able to touch it, I was able to feel that it seemed mostly firm, but unusually hollow in one small section. This was yet another ominous sign. Within the next hour of thaw, a break appeared up near the feet area. As the team and I began examining this area near the feet, I observed the foot which looked unnatural, reached in and confirmed it was a rubber foot.

At that point we immediately contacted, Tom Biscardi and advised him of the situation and he began to take action on his end. Later that day, Tom Biscardi informed us that both Matthew Whitton and Ricky Dyer admitted it was a costume. They reportedly agreed to sign a promissory note and admission of what they had done, and set a meeting in their hotel room in California for 8AM on August 17th, 2008.

At that time I drew up the documents for Mr. Biscardi. On August 17th, 2008 Tom Biscardi went to the hotel where Dyer and Whitton were staying and found that they had left. At this time action is being instigated against the perpetrators of this fraud. Tom Biscardi asked us to contact you, the press, and share all that we have discovered.

So the entire media world was taken in by a fraud set up by two con men. The shock will wear off in time.

The media is extremely quick to jump on anything different and exciting for the mere reason that it is different and exciting, not waiting for evidence of any kind. And it's in that vein that I bring back our own resident expert on everything, Dr. Victor Lustig, M.D., LLP., MI6, FRS, Ph.D., LL.D., OBGYN, B.S.

ME: Good morning, Dr. Lustig.

LUSTIG: And a fine morning for Sasquatch believers it is!

ME: How can you say that? The latest and biggest Bigfoot fraud was debunked in a most glorious manner.

LUSTIG: Bradley, don't you see? That just goes to prove that the Sasquatch is still out there!

ME: The only thing it proves is that two con men took $50,000 and ran with it! Minus the cost of a costume and jet fuel, they probably pocketed $22,000 each.

LUSTIG: But every believer had his or her fingers crossed that this wasn't real. Each of us want to be the discoverer of this magnificent species hunted to near extinction.

ME: But then wouldn't the hunter be you?

LUSTIG: Aha! Then you admit that they exist?!

ME: No, I was posing a hypothetical question. If the only people hunting for a Bigfoot are the people who want to prove its existence, then the very people wanting to prove it's real are the people causing its extinction.

LUSTIG: (thinking) Could you repeat that?

ME: For god sake, "Doctor", the two were keeping this costume in a block of ice in Muncie, Indiana! I know Muncie well... the only thing there is Ball State University and 65,000 people.

LUSTIG: What better place for the noble Sasquatch to live undisturbed?

ME: You're telling me that the dead Bigfoot was from Muncie?

LUSTIG: Little known fact, my friend. His name was Roy and taught freshman Phys. Ed. He even had children that went to Ball State.

ME: Really? When?

LUSTIG: I give you proof positive: look at how tall David Letterman is. You have never seen him and a Sasquatch at the same time, have you?

ME: Oh. Dear. Freeze-dried. Jesus.

Give Grandma a medal!

2008-08-19T17:16:00.001-04:00

From the Associated Press:

POINT MARION, Pa. (AP) - An 85-year-old woman boldly went for her gun and busted a would-be burglar inside her home, then forced him to call police while she kept him in her sights, police said. "I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun," Leda Smith said.
Smith heard someone break into her home Monday afternoon and grabbed the .22-caliber revolver she had been keeping by her bed since a neighbor's home was burglarized a few weeks ago.

"I said 'What are you doing in my house?' He just kept saying he didn't do it," Smith said.

After the 17-year-old boy called 911, Smith kept holding the gun on him until state police arrived at her home in Springhill Township, about 45 miles south of Pittsburgh.

The boy will be charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court, Trooper Christian Lieberum said. He was not identified because of his age.

"It was exciting," Smith said. "I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here."

I love a story with a happy ending...

Teacher's Union President can't understand guns

2008-08-19T15:19:00.002-04:00

*Thanks to Mark Finkelstein and NewsBusters.

A school district in Texas recently gave permission for trained and licensed teachers to carry concealed weapons at school. Why? Because they did their homework, as you will see from comments by District Superintendent, David Thweatt.

But Gayle Fallon, President of Houston Federation of Teachers, cannot fathom why any teacher would ever want to "take aim at a student and kill them"! Even after being shown the evidence, she could not see how a teacher could ever want to defend the children in their care.

Read the transcript below from this morning's CBS Early Show and an interview with Harry Smith.

HARRY SMITH: A rural Texas school district has made a decision that appears to be the first of its kind in the country. Teachers are now permitted to carry guns. Harrold, Texas is located near the border with Oklahoma. Joining us is the District Superintendent, David Thweatt, and Gayle Fallon, President of Houston Federation of Teachers is also with us this morning. Good morning to you both.

[GRAPHIC ON SCREEN: School Safety Gone Too Far? Texas District Allows Teachers to Carry Guns In School.]

GAYLE FALLON: Good morning.

DAVID THWEATT: Good morning, Harry.

SMITH: Mr. Thweatt, let me start with you. What made you decide to try and get this passed through your school board and why did you think this was a good idea?

DAVID THWEATT: Well Harry, we're looking at all the issues surrounding school violence, anything, starting with Columbine all the way up to the Pennsylvania shootings. And we started looking at state-of-the-art security, which we installed. And then we found that that was not good enough because we had a problem with being next to a 287 road north of us. And we're right 500 miles -- 500 feet off of that particular road. And then on top of that, we're about 30 minutes from law enforcement. And we started asking hard questions. What's going to happen when we get an active shooter into our school? And that's the reason we decided to go in this direction.

[Brad says: Okay, so the school is out in the country and the nearest law enforcement is at least 30 minutes away. How could you NOT be prepared for a worst-case scenario? They obviously did their homework before allowing this to go through.]

SMITH: Let me ask you this, are the weapons of the teachers, are they concealed, are they holstered? How -- how are they carried in the school?

THWEATT: Yeah, there are several components of this. They are concealed. They do have to be approved by our school board. And then they have to undergo extensive safety training and other training in hostage situations, et cetera, before we've installed this.

SMITH: Okay. Alright, Gayle, when you heard about this, what was your reaction?

FALLON: Initially, I thought it was a joke. However, after a couple of media calls we realized that it wasn't and we were asked would our district consider it. And it was absolutely no way would we consider it. One of the things that hit me is, you know, Columbine and the other incidents were generally initiated by students. Now, I've been around teachers a long time. They don't have it in them to aim at a student and kill them. They'll freeze.

SMITH: And-

FALLON: And nor would I want them to.

[Brad says: Instead of fighting to defend the children in her care, Fallon would rather throw the students to the proverbial wolves. She even says that these incidents are generally initiated by students, but in the next breath tells us that she couldn't kill those murderers simply because their students?! Note to self: never move family to her district.]

SMITH: Right. Mr. Thweatt, I guess when looking at this, and I want to be as serious as possible, what kinds of scenario are you imagining that your teachers might be called into actually using these arms, or do you just think perhaps folks knowing that they have arms in the school may be a preventive measure in and of itself?

THWEATT: I think it would, Harry. And because any time we've looked at these school shootings they've occurred after we've designated schools across the nation as gun-free zones. The people who are going into these situations are evil. I'm not going to be politically correct on this. I don't care what their problems were. They've gone in and killed children. And if they come into our school, they are going to meet resistance. And I think if we did have some resistance in our schools, these crackpots or whoever they are would stop going into them.

[Brad says: I want my kids to go to a school in a district with this guy in charge! "And if they come into our school, they are going to meet resistance." What could be simpler than that?! He understands the absurdity of gun-free zones.]

SMITH: Alright, Miss. Fallon, real quickly. Just, if someone -- if you woke up tomorrow and found out that Houston were going to allow teachers to carry guns in the schools, what would you do?

FALLON: We would elect a new school board immediately. I think what's going to happen, there is a loophole in the law that's allowed this. But our legislature meets in January. And the legislators I've talked with said they're going to plugging that loophole.

[Brad says: Translation - I will NEVER allow people to feel safe in my school because I'm afraid of guns! They're evvvvvil. And I will use legislation to ensure that your rights in your part of the state are taken away as well.]

SMITH: Alright, we got to go for now. David Thweatt, Gayle Fallon, thanks very much for your time this morning. Do appreciate it.

THWEATT: Thanks, Harry.

SMITH: You bet.

Your "Feel Old" moment of the day

2008-08-19T14:47:00.002-04:00

Each year for the past 11 years, Beloit College in Wisconsin publishes what is known as the "Beloit College Mindset List." The Mindset List, according to the Beloit website, "help to identify the experiences that have shaped the lives–and formed the mindset—of students starting their post-secondary education this fall."

The Mindset List is not a chronological listing of things that happened in 1990, the year they were born. It is instead an effort to identify the worldview of 18 year-olds in the fall of 2008. Of course, our students come from many backgrounds and different traditions and these generalizations may not apply to all. The list identifies the experiences and event horizons of students and is not meant to reflect on their preparatory education.

The authors... Tom McBride, Keefer Professor of the Humanities and Professor of English, and Ron Nief, Director of Public Affairs... put the list together in order to show educators that references that they may have used for several years in various classes may not work for their new, incoming freshman class.

So for the good of educators and in order to make us feel as if time is quickly passing by, I give you the Beloit College Mindset List for the class of 2012 (from the Beloit College website).

Students entering college for the first time this fall were generally born in 1990.

For these students, Sammy Davis Jr., Jim Henson, Ryan White, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Freddy Krueger have always been dead.

1. Harry Potter could be a classmate, playing on their Quidditch team.
2. Since they were in diapers, karaoke machines have been annoying people at parties.
3. They have always been looking for Carmen Sandiego.
4. GPS satellite navigation systems have always been available.
5. Coke and Pepsi have always used recycled plastic bottles.
6. Shampoo and conditioner have always been available in the same bottle.
7. Gas stations have never fixed flats, but most serve cappuccino.
8. Their parents may have dropped them in shock when they heard George Bush announce “tax revenue increases.”
9. Electronic filing of tax returns has always been an option.
10. Girls in head scarves have always been part of the school fashion scene.
11. All have had a relative--or known about a friend's relative--who died comfortably at home with Hospice.
12. As a precursor to “whatever,” they have recognized that some people “just don’t get it.”
13. Universal Studios has always offered an alternative to Mickey in Orlando.
14. Grandma has always had wheels on her walker.
15. Martha Stewart Living has always been setting the style.
16. Haagen-Dazs ice cream has always come in quarts.
17. Club Med resorts have always been places to take the whole family.
18. WWW has never stood for World Wide Wrestling.
19. Films have never been X rated, only NC-17.
20. The Warsaw Pact is as hazy for them as the League of Nations was for their parents.
21. Students have always been "Rocking the Vote.”
22. Clarence Thomas has always sat on the Supreme Court.
23. Schools have always been concerned about multiculturalism.
24. We have always known that “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.”
25. There have always been gay rabbis.
26. Wayne Newton has never had a mustache.
27. College grads have always been able to Teach for America.
28. IBM has never made typewriters.
29. Roseanne Barr has never been invited to sing the National Anthem again.
30. McDonald’s and Burger King have always used vegetable oil for cooking french fries.
31. They have never been able to color a tree using a raw umber Crayola.
32. There has always been Pearl Jam.
33. The Tonight Show has always been hosted by Jay Leno and started at 11:35 EST.
34. Pee-Wee has never been in his playhouse during the day.
35. They never tasted Benefit Cereal with psyllium.
36. They may have been given a Nintendo Game Boy to play with in the crib.
37. Authorities have always been building a wall across the Mexican border.
38. Lenin’s name has never been on a major city in Russia.
39. Employers have always been able to do credit checks on employees.
40. Balsamic vinegar has always been available in the U.S.
41. Macaulay Culkin has always been Home Alone.
42. Their parents may have watched The American Gladiators on TV the day they were born.
43. Personal privacy has always been threatened.
44. Caller ID has always been available on phones.
45. Living wills have always been asked for at hospital check-ins.
46. The Green Bay Packers (almost) always had the same starting quarterback.
47. They never heard an attendant ask “Want me to check under the hood?”
48. Iced tea has always come in cans and bottles.
49. Soft drink refills have always been free.
50. They have never known life without Seinfeld references from a show about “nothing.”
51. Windows 3.0 operating system made IBM PCs user-friendly the year they were born.
52. Muscovites have always been able to buy Big Macs.
53. The Royal New Zealand Navy has never been permitted a daily ration of rum.
54. The Hubble Space Telescope has always been eavesdropping on the heavens.
55. 98.6 F or otherwise has always been confirmed in the ear.
56. Michael Milken has always been a philanthropist promoting prostate cancer research.
57. Off-shore oil drilling in the United States has always been prohibited.
58. Radio stations have never been required to present both sides of public issues.
59. There have always been charter schools.
60. Students always had Goosebumps.

An American Carol Trailer

2008-08-19T12:16:00.003-04:00

At the beginning of the month, I posted about an upcoming movie entitled An American Carol which will be coming out on October 3rd.

Now a trailer for the film has been posted online. Billy O'Reilly talked about the movie and that was posted on YouTube. Watch the trailer, it's just fun! And Trace Adkins is hilarious.

This movie will obviously be hated by the liberal left, who have already started smearing it in comments on the video post. I, myself, am going to love it...

Friends will be friends

2008-08-19T10:18:00.004-04:00

There's an old adage which states that if a man can count the number of real friends he has on more than one hand, he's a lucky man. Of course, my favorite witticism states that a friend will help you move while a true friend will help you move a body.

Throughout my life, I found what I thought were true friends, but just as many things do, they only served to make me more and more bitter until I ended up the cynical shell of humanity I am today. You all know the "friends" I'm talking about... the college or childhood friend forever who you haven't seen or heard from since the night you both got busted for drinking underage by a parent; the work friend who has your back until review time because they want the same promotion; the friend you stupidly loan money to knowing you'll never see it again.

And it may take years, sometimes decades, but we all finally gravitate toward our own. People who share common interests, common thoughts. We do find those friends even if we have to kick over several thousand pseudo-friends in the search.

Several factors can lead to a lasting friendship... sharing a traumatic experience; being there for somebody even when you don't know why you're needed, just that you are; sometimes it's just growing to know the other person a bit better and discovering that he or she isn't necessarily the slime-ball you took them for.

My friends in Indiana... Angela, Mark, and of course, Jerry... are irreplaceable. I wouldn't trade any of them for an entire run of original Uncanny X-Men comics. They have all saved my life many times over... more than they, themselves, know.

My SGM, who replies here as the lovable "Ed", is one of those people you know where you stand with immediately. He's a friend who thinks nothing of answering my stupid questions as long as I have Cheetos for him to munch on. But he's more than just a friend, he's a mentor and a real teacher who has the patience of Job.

And then there's my Nicki, my best friend. I have made it a point not to talk personally about anybody on this blog, I will never talk about my love life, who I'm dating, etc., because, honestly, it's nobody's business and I chose to write a blog, not whoever I'm with. But Nicki has been the constant because she is my best friend. We write together (Ashmadai, by your copy now), I go to her kids' sporting events, we cookout. (Okay, the SGM does the grilling and we just drink, but you get the idea) I couldn't imagine my life without her friendship.

I don't know if I will ever be able to count my true friends on two hands, but I think that my friends are worth counting twice. I would help them move the body anyday.

Are you a REAL Soldier who wants to be a FAKE Soldier?

2008-08-18T11:50:00.005-04:00

The ABC soap opera All My Children wants you! During a recent storyline, a character named Lt. Taylor Thompson, played by actress Beth Ehlers, was introduced. It seems that Lt. Thompson has come to hand out medals to a fellow Soldier, according to the Associated Press.

The veteran-turned-actor will play the character of Brot, a key figure in a plot that’s already under way and involves a visitor to fictional Pine Valley, Army Lt. Taylor Thompson (Beth Ehlers).

Taylor, who was stationed in Iraq and is on medical leave, has come to town to deliver medals to fellow soldier Dr. Frankie Hubbard (Cornelius Smith Jr.). But it’s Brot, the soldier and lover she believes died in combat, who’s on her mind.

Brot, however, survived. Unwilling to involve Taylor in his suffering, he’s allowed her to think he’s dead.

I realize that this is a soap opera and always involves the most outlandish storylines, but please, this Lt. doesn't know how to use the Army personnel system to find out if her ex-lover is still alive?! A Soldier named Brot, for god's sake?! Does he go on to fight Rocky in Soviet Russia? And does the Soldier-turned-actor have to wear such a horrible fitting uniform as Ehlers? I mean, really, look at it in the picture above: she is a Lt. who has a) a Combat Infantryman Badge, b) Parachutist Badge, c) Expert Weapons Qualification Badge, and d) a maroon very badly non-styled beret which indicates that she is part of an Airborne unit. I'm not even going to get into the Fourragere, Service Aiguillette, or ropes she is wearing. Somebody with much more infantry experience than me will have to comment on her total uniform. (SGM, care to take a shot?)

Nonetheless, ABC is really trying to entice a Soldier into a very complicated storyline.

“It’s a very delicate subject to begin with. There’s so much about the individual person that’s going to help us create the character, and whatever they bring and whatever their challenge is will be fit into the story,” she [executive producer Julie Hanan Carruthers] said.

[...]

Also figuring in the “All My Children” wartime story is Jake Martin (Ricky Paull Goldin), an anti-war physician who provides differing social and political points of view.

Viewers accept tough issues in TV shows when they are dealt with on a personal rather than a political basis, Carruthers said.

“The audience embraces it because they relate to the people involved, who they care about,” she said, allowing viewers to “surpass personal biases.”

Wow, that would never bring up storylines involving a crazy veteran now, would it?

I want to let you know that I am going to put my name in for the running to be the new Brot! Why not? My name is very close to it and I am a veteran! Now all I have to do is find out where the casting office is and convince them that I'm not a stalker...

But first, it's contest time! Who can find the most wrong with the uniform worn by actress Beth Ehlers in the two photos accompanying this article?

A bit better shot of the uniform in question...

Antique Ads

2008-08-15T14:55:00.007-04:00

I am a sucker the ads that I used to see in magazines when I was young. I think they have a cool look you just don't get today. Today, my boss brought in a Life magazine from October 27, 1972, and I took the opportunity to scan a few of my favorite ads.

Here's how long ago the magazine is from; the cover story is on the miracle of the new instant Polaroid camera. You know, the one that was discontinued this year.

The first ad is for the brand new Oldsmobile Omega automobile at "under $2,700." The ad copy claims "Omega is 500 pounds more car than some smaller compacts. It's wheelbase is longer - 111 inches. And you feel the difference on the road. It's strong. Solid. Roomy. Quiet."

Ah, for the days when a "compact car" only had a 250-cubic-inch engine. The Omega boasted "wet-look" vinyl trim, carpeting, and chrome trim around the windows. What more could you want out of a car with matching hubs. No wonder they stopped making it in 1984.

But my favorite is the second ad. It is for the "New Sony U-Matic Color Videocassette System." As a little background, U-Matic was the original videotape format which placed the tape inside an enclosed cassette. It was introduced in prototype form in 1969 and began production in late 1971. This ad would have been for one of the very first mass-market videocassette machines, as you can tell by the ad copy:

"Man might conquer disease, stop crime and save his environment with the help of this little machine."

Ladies and gentlemen, I have worked with the U-Matic format for my entire history of video editing. There is nothing little about the machine. A VHS videotape is 1/2" wide while U-Matic tape is 3/4" wide. I still have a U-Matic machine at work and let me assure you that it is the heaviest doorstop we have!

But I am amazed at the claims that were being thrown around at the advent of videotape technology. Conquer disease? Stop crime? Save the environment? There were some ad copy writers working overtime on this one.

On the second page of the ad, this little gem jumps right out at you:

"The uses of this little machine boggle the mind. It could, for instance, solve one of the biggest problems in the conquest of cancer.

Getting new developments out to doctors - fast.

Today, 1 out of 3 cancer patients is saved. It could be 1 out of 2, if doctors just had access to all the present knowledge.

With this little machine, they can.

Suppose a cancer specialist has some valid success with a new form of treatment.

He doesn't wait to present a paper at some future medical convention.

Then and there, he records his technique on a U-matic color videocassette. Thousands of copies are made and mailed out.

Within days, thousands of doctors in hospitals and private offices have seen the technique on their U-matic, and can put it to use.

Knowledge snowballs."

The U-matic will save us! Our lives are complete! Cancer will be cured! People will live in harmony!

Okay, so none of that happened. People realized that the U-matic was a heavy, clunky machine, not exactly portable. And as all new technology does, it cost a pretty penny. Of course, what the ad doesn't tell you is that in order to record your technique onto a videocassette, you had to buy a LOT of additional equipment. Remember, there were no handheld video cameras in those days. The camera which plugged into the deck looked like something you would see in a television studio and cost just as much.

Sony's U-matic remained a staple in television studios until their own Betacam came along in the early 80's. Many places, including the Army, still have old programming sitting around on U-matic, but nobody ever asks for it anymore.

Just another example of fun ads from the past.

UPDATE

Thanks to the good folks over at Retro Thing for featuring this blog post on their website under the headline "Sony Conquers Disease With A VCR?!". It's always fun when others get the humor of the situation... Thanks guys.

Ask Dr. Lustig

2008-08-15T12:39:00.003-04:00

The summer Olympics is in full swing in Beijing, China, and the big news is not Michael Phelps and his 1,284 gold medals but how old the Chinese “women’s” gymnastics team actually is. Many pundits and news organizations are bringing in “experts” who are supposed to tell us, the viewer, the true ages of the girls on the Chinese team.

In order to bring you, my faithful four readers, the truth, I have spared no expense to get my own expert. His name is Dr. Victor Lustig, M.D., CH, CBE, FRS, Ph.D., LL.D., OBGYN, B.S., and he comes highly recommended as an expert on… well, everything!

ME: Dr. Lustig, I want to thank you for agreeing to come on this blog in order to share your expertise with my readers.

LUSTIG: You come up with the money, I’ll talk to you.

ME: How very entrepreneurial of you. I’m just very excited to have a Harvard educated Doctor here at the blog.

LUSTIG: Harvard? Who told you I graduated from Harvard?

ME: Um, that’s what it says right here on your resume.

LUSTIG: Let me see that. Oh, that’s a typo.

ME: A typo?

LUSTIG: Yes, it’s supposed to read “Javier,” not Harvard.

ME: Javier? I take it that’s not in Boston?

LUSTIG: Boston? No! It’s in the Philippines. My blind Sister-in-law is my secretary and she’s always mis-typing things. But she works cheap.

ME: The Philippines?! You got your medical degree in the Philippines?!

LUSTIG: Technically, no, that I got through this very cool place on the Internet. I got my Ph.D. in Everythingness from Javier Community College.

ME: You have a Ph.D. in Everythingness? What the hell does that mean?

LUSTIG: (Rolls his eyes) How can you be an expert in everything without a degree to prove it?

ME: (Frustrated) Okay, let’s discuss the Chinese gymnastics team, then. In your… I can’t believe I’m saying this… expert opinion, are these girls at least 16-years old?

LUSTIG: Absolutely.

ME: WHAT?! How can you say that? Have you seen pictures of these girls? They can’t be more than 13-years old!

LUSTIG: Bradley, who is being paid as the resident expert here? I am, thank you.

ME: But how can you say they even appear 16?

LUSTIG: Bradley, Bradley… when you get caught in the backseat with a girl who is obviously underage in every state except West Virginia and Alabama, do you tell the policeman “Yes, Sir, she is only 13. Whoops, my bad!” No! You lie your ass off and hope that nobody calls you on it.

ME: You’re comparing obvious Olympic lying to high school fumblings in the back seat?

LUSTIG: High school? No, I’m talking about my summer intern program. Listen, imagine China is that horny teenage boy in a giant Oldsmobile… or Chang Feng motor car… and the Chinese gymnasts are that underage girl they are trying to get past the International Olympic Committee (IOC) policeman. They’re not even about to say “yes, she’s underage” and risk losing those summer interns and a profitable advising career! No, China is going to create a very official-looking passport which states that the girl is 16-years old and tell the IOC cop to go screw himself!

ME: I hadn’t quite looked at it that way before.

LUSTIG: Yes, I know, that’s why you hired me. This is the same country which will do anything to look good. Dramatic computer graphics which look like fireworks in order to make the opening ceremonies appear flawless? No problem. Placing a beautiful 9-year old girl in front of a worldwide audience to lip-synch because the government thinks that the girl with the great voice is a hideously ugly little creature? We can do that, too. By the way, I hear from reliable sources inside China that 9-year old girl is the older sister of one of the gymnasts.

ME: But that’s a terrible way to represent your country to the world!

LUSTIG: Bradley, we did the same thing when we faked the moon landing.

ME: When we what?!

LUSTIG: Yea, it was all fake.

ME: Who told you that?

LUSTIG: My Psychic Healing instructor in the Philippines.

ME: Oh, god. How long do I have you contracted for?

LUSTIG: 73 more years, my friend! Best $20 you ever spent.

ME: Why 73 years?

LUSTIG: It’s a very good number in numerology.

ME: Help me.

LUSTIG: We need to feng shui your office.

Photo of the Day

2008-08-15T09:54:00.002-04:00

For those of us who are ex-Disney employees (I'm sorry, Cast Members), this is, perhaps, the single funniest photo of the year.

The photo revolves around a labor dispute at Disneyland hotels in California. I'm not even going to begin to get in the middle of the argument, but I have been waiting years to see a major Disney character trussed up and hauled off to jail!

Brilliant Satire

2008-08-14T15:19:00.003-04:00

William M. Briggs is a Statistical Research Scientist with New York Methodist Hospital and, perhaps, one of the most brilliant satirists around. He has published, on his blog, an article entitled "Extremely fit have larger carbon footprints than do couch potatoes: scientific study." The "scientific study" was supposedly written by a man known only as "Dr H. Harrister, BS, MS, PhD, OBWAG" and takes the form of a paper written for approval by the scientific community.

How funny is this? Just take a look at the introduction:

Ever since the Supreme Court has (wisely) ruled that carbon dioxide is a pollutant, the number of people who have been made exceptionally nervous has increased nearly exponentially (exponentially is a mathematical term). It is up to science to discover ways of reducing this vile gas, to root out its sources, and suggest interesting ways of scientifically punishing environmental malefactors.

Thus, it follows that it is the duty of every single person to reduce their carbon footprint in every conceivable way, and to do so in the shortest amount of time humanely possible before disaster strikes.

The purpose of this scientific paper, therefore, is to bring to mind a particular activity that had previously been assumed virtuous but under the unerring eye of science has proved to be pernicious. That activity is exercise.

And how does exercise create a carbon footprint problem?

The main source of variation of exhaled pollution (CO2), the intra-person variability, is due to respiration rate (RR). Higher RRs mean more breaths per hour and therefore more pollution added to the atmosphere, and therefore the more likely we are to experience runaway greenhouse effects. Therefore, people with lower RRs have smaller carbon footprints (or lungprints as we should properly say) than those people with higher RRs.

[...]

Because all tissue in the human body has to be oxygenated lest it turn sour, it implies that the fatter (larger) a person is the more oxygen they consume. This is mitigated somewhat because those at that highest scale of fatness, the couch potatoes, tend to engage in very little movement. And since movement means using muscles, and muscles rely on oxygen as part of their fuel, less movement means less oxygen usage (or utilization, if you prefer).

The writer then goes on to explain, in mathematical terms, exactly why, if we use the RR of a couch potato as a constant, they will breath less in their life than somebody who exercises. It is genius!

The first paragraph of the conclusion says it all:

Through the strictest scientific procedures, the same as those used in a myriad of studies of this type, we have conclusively proven that those people who exercise have a carbon foot (or lung) print 14.29% higher than those who, altruistically it turns out, lie around on the couch. Future studies will examine the additional benefits of progressing to a drunken stupor, a state in which minimal oxygen usage is obtained.

Alright, that's it! Sorry SGM, it's time for me to turn in my gym card and become that couch potato I know we all have hiding inside us. I already have the Cheetos eating down to a science, so I would be doing the world a favor anyway.

I also formally volunteer to become a test subject in the drunken stupor phase of the testing. Jerry, I will need some sort of drug which keeps my heart going no matter how lazy and fat I get... possibly some sort of liquid which increases metabolism the more you ingest. Nicki, of course, will have to be my research assistant, ensuring that the DVD player is always running and playing movies and shows which will tempt me to remain on the couch and not in the gym.

Don't you love science?

Today's Defense Tactic: Demonic Forces

2008-08-14T10:04:00.003-04:00

On July 9th, windows at both the St. Mary's Roman Catholic Church and Barnum Memorials in Milford, Connecticut, were vandalized. This story would normally get lost in the misdemeanor files if it weren't for one thing: Benjamin Ruszkowski claims that "demonic forces" made him do it.

Noelle Frampton writes in the Connecticut Post:

Police Detective Sgt. John Alexopoulos authored the warrant filed in Milford Superior Court Wednesday, reporting that the church on Gulf Street and Barnum Memorials, a gravestone supplier on Cherry Street, both reported window vandalism on July 9.

Traces of blood were left on all but three of the church's smashed windows, Alexopoulos wrote. "The blood was smeared and splattered on the broken glass in a manner that indicated the windows were punched and not broken with some object."

Police suspected Ruszkowski because on July 3 and 4 he had been investigated for allegedly causing a public disturbance and believed he "may have mental health issues," according to the warrant.

Police spokesman Officer Vaughan Dumas said he didn't know the details of the incidents, but said they involved Ruszkowski "chanting in the streets."

Back then, they determined that he was "practicing religion" and ordered him to cease from his alleged disorderly conduct, the warrant says without giving further details.

You have to love the quote "may have mental health issues." You think?

"Ruszkowski said that he 'felt unconscious then' and 'compelled while demonic forces were inside me to punch the windows,' " the warrant says. "He said there was no real reason in his own comprehension for him to punch the windows and ... to be able to think with his own thoughts, he would not have punched the windows."

What a great defense! You claim something that is absolutely impossible to prove and then get everybody to feel sorry for you because it wasn't your fault! this guy isn't insane, he's brilliant! He should run for office immediately.

Through some investigative work, we have found that Mr. Ruszkowski's story is, indeed, true. After some very tough negotiations involving pieces of my non-existent soul, I have found that the demon who was manifesting itself inside Mr. Ruszkowski at the time of the glass breakage was named Bob. I sat down and talked to Bob about the breakage.

ME: Welcome, Bob.

BOB: Hey, thanks for letting me get my side of the story out, dude. Mind if I smoke?

ME: Well, this is a smoke-free building.

BOB: Damn.

ME: So, what exactly happened on July 9th?

BOB: Dude, it wasn't my fault! I was up here on a routine possession... you know the kind... some idiot thinks he can summon the (air quotes) Prince of Darkness by muttering a few incomprehensible words and using goat's blood. It's pathetic. All I wanted to do was scare the guy a little.

ME: So that's not the way to summon demons?

BOB: Hell, no! If you don't at least have some virgin's blood, you might as well be trying to call up Pee Wee Herman. Besides, you think Lucifer doesn't have anything better to do? Iran, alone, takes a lot of her time!

ME: Her time?

BOB: I mean... er... could you just edit that?

ME: Sure, really.

BOB: Okay, anyway, I possess this idiot and he goes nuts! Normally, people I possess just flail around a bit and then drop to the ground, but this guy starts punching out windows! I got out of the body immediately because the last thing I need is heat from upstairs about punching out stain glass windows, but he just kept punching! When I left him, he was headed across the graveyard babbling about his life being complete now or something. Who knows? I don't speak idiot.

ME: So you did not cause him to vandalize the church and monument company?

BOB: Shit, no! I'm sorry, can I say that here? Okay. I don't do property destruction, just souls.

ME: Well, thanks for clearing that up for us, Bob.

BOB: Anytime. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to work at PETA.

So there you have it, the truth from Bob himself. What more evidence could you need?

American Airlines Loves the Troops!

2008-08-13T16:52:00.004-04:00

Lately, a big deal has been made of the fact that the airline industry has been charging American troops for excess baggage when they are on their way to war.

I can tell you from personal experience, there is no way, when you are off to training let alone war, that you can fit all of your equipment into one or two duffle bags. We are weighed down with equipment that is mandatory for us to have, according to the U.S. Army. From earplugs to extra uniforms to weapons to body armor, every little bit adds up to a lot of weight. I wear glasses but the Army told me that I had to take a pair of Wiley X sunglasses that I couldn't wear because they were part of the package.

Needless to say, all of that excess stuff creates excess baggage. If your admin person who makes out your orders is on the ball, your orders will always read "Excess Baggage Allowed". If they don't and you are charged for your excess baggage, the Army doesn't pay you back for it.

I have had excess baggage charges many times in my military career. If I didn't have the money for the charges, I always had a senior NCO or officer nearby who had a government travel card to take care of it. When I went to San Antonio, Texas, last month for my yearly training time, the airline waived my heavy baggage charge on the spot, something I though was a very nice gesture.

But some airlines, especially today, are not allowed to waive those charges. We have many lower-ranking kids or soldiers who just don't have the funds to pay for their excess baggage and end up pleading for the privilege of bringing necessary supplies with them.

The Veterans of Foreign Wars recently got involved, sending a message to the airline industry asking them to permanently waive the excess baggage fee for military personnel who are traveling on orders. Today, they received their first response. This press release came to us from Joe Davis of the VFW:

American Airlines Will Waive Third Excess Bag Fee For Military Personnel

August 13, 2008

FORT WORTH, Texas – As part of the many efforts American Airlines makes to support our active and veteran U.S. military personnel, fees for a third checked bag will now be waived for active service members. Fees for first and second checked bags have always been waived.

“We always understood that soldiers traveling on duty were reimbursed by the military for the fees on required excess baggage. However, after recently hearing of the burden the military reimbursement process put on soldiers traveling to war zones, the choice for us to forgo payment for a third checked bag from the Department of Defense was clear,” said Tom Del Valle, American’s Senior Vice President – Airport Services.

American Airlines is, and has been, the leading airline in supporting active service members. The previous policy allowed active military personnel, traveling on duty, to travel with up to 190 pounds of luggage at no charge, including a 100 pound checked bag, a 50 pound checked bag, and a 40 pound carry-on bag. Only one other airline waives first and second bag fees for off-duty, active service members, and no airline allows as much free baggage by weight as American Airlines. The new waiver policy for military personnel begins immediately. American Airlines will work closely with the Department of Defense on issues such as this in the future.

American Airlines supports more than 29 separate veterans or active military initiatives, including – Snowball Express, IBOT wheelchairs, Medal of Honor Society, free charter flights for Adaptive Sports, and Seats for Soldiers. American has implemented special reduced fares with added flexibility and special boarding privileges for active-duty military members and their families traveling on leave or furlough for the past five years. In addition, U.S. military women and men are welcomed at Admirals Club facilities when traveling on emergency or R&R leave from their overseas duties.

“We appreciate and marvel at the bravery and sacrifice our military personnel exhibit daily,” Del Valle said. “Anything we can do to support them and honor them is a top priority for American Airlines.”

American Airlines has long been a company where military men and women begin and thrive in their civilian careers after serving the United States. Those employees have constant input into our programs for military personnel, and their opinions and ideas were solicited on the topic of excess military baggage.

I want to personally thank the VFW for helping military men and women everywhere with what has been a problem in the past. And I want to thank American Airlines for living up to their name and being the first to support the troops. I don't say this often, but "Hooah!"

Lemming Watch - Baby Killing Cult

2008-08-13T10:07:00.004-04:00

It's been much too long since we had a Lemming Watch and a story out of Baltimore brings it back. This is one of those stories which makes me wish for the ability to kill with my mind... or at least five minutes with the suspect and a dull, rusty spoon. The headline from the Associated Press story tells you immediately that there are still morons in this world who qualify for retro-active abortion:

Police: Tot starved for refusing to say 'amen'

Yes, you did read that right. After only reading the headline, I was too pissed off to continue for a moment. But I did.

BALTIMORE - A toddler whose remains were found inside a suitcase in Philadelphia this spring was starved to death by members of a religious cult, including his mother, in part because he refused to say "amen" after meals, police said.

Ria Ramkissoon, the mother of Javon Thompson, was charged Sunday with first-degree murder in the boy's death, and Baltimore police said Monday that three other members of a group called 1 Mind Ministries have also been charged with first-degree murder. Police and Ramkissoon's family say the group is a cult.

Members did not seek medical care for Javon when he stopped breathing, and the boy died in his mother's arms, according to court documents that described police interviews with a confidential informant and two children. He would have been about 19 months old when police say adults stopped feeding him in December 2006.

Let that sink in: the child was 19-months old. 19 f**king months old! There are those of us who I believe would be fantastic with a child of our own but have none... people who would love and protect that child, letting the child be a child at the age of 19 months... and then there are these complete and total oxygen thieves who kill a child because he wouldn't say amen?!

I was raised in the church and I'll be damned if I knew what the hell "amen" meant when I was 19-months old! I was lucky to not throw my Spaghettios all over the walls at that age!

But what's worse than a mother killing her own son? The family defends her!

Ramkissoon's family said she should not be held responsible for her son's death.

"She had no control over that situation at all," her stepfather, Craig Newton, said Monday.

Ramkissoon's mother, Seeta Khadan-Newton, told The (Baltimore) Sun on Sunday that it wasn't her daughter's decision not to feed the boy.

"My daughter was a victim, just like my grandson," Khadan-Newton said. "Somebody made that decision to not feed that child, and my daughter had to follow instructions."

Members of 1 Mind Ministries wore all white, swore off medical care and referred to some members with titles including queen and princess, according to court documents. The group was also accused of insisting that a pregnant woman give birth without access to doctors.

No control over the situation?! She was the one who joined the damn cult! I would call that control! If you don't agree with what you're being told... leave! This is the same mother who sued for custody of her grandson after the boy's mother joined the cult.

Ramkissoon joined 1 Mind Ministries after Javon was born. Ramkissoon's mother last saw her in April 2006; she later sued for custody of her grandson, writing in a letter to a judge that "the cult leaders" were preventing her from contacting her daughter.

And what did the cult leadership do with the boy after he died? Stuffed him in a suitcase and claimed he was coming back from the dead.

Another unnamed informant told police that after Javon died, Antoinette [Queen Antoinette, 40, also known as Toni Ellsberry or Toni Sloan, leader of the cult] left the boy's body in a room for more than a week, claiming "God was going to raise Javon from the dead," the documents show.

Afterward, Antoinette burned the boy's clothing and a mattress and placed his body in a green suitcase, which she would periodically open and spray with disinfectant to mask the odor, police claim in the court documents.

How could the mother NOT come forward at that time?! Don't even try to tell me that the mother is not to blame for what happened to her son. She joined the cult knowing full well what their insane beliefs were. He 19-month old son had no say in the matter, had no way to defend himself. That is the parent's job, to get the child to that place where they can take care of themselves. I was raised by parents that would have taken a bullet for me without blinking, the same as the parents I know would do for their children. God or whoever help the adult who messes with Nicki's kids.

I cannot now and will never be able to understand parents who would knowingly place their children in harm's way. Yes, Ria Ramkissoon deserves what she gets. She's not a victim here, he's already past his hurt.

Those thrilling days of yesteryear

2008-08-11T15:39:00.006-04:00

Talk about a trip to my childhood! There is a website titled RetroThing which covers the advertising and updating of all of those really cool yet really dorky items those of us who are over 40 grew up with. Today's entry is General Electric's 1978 "Widescreen" Television.

That's right, long before widescreen movies were put out on video disc, GE was bringing good things to widescreen life! Or were they? Take a look at the ad below...

Luckily, you (or your parents) had done a bit of research to uncover the less impressive truth. According to US Patent 4181918, the giant wood veneer cabinet housed a much smaller CRT display that employed "a vertical deflection reversing switch to invert and laterally reverse the image, and a three element lens within a light-proof projection chamber to re-invert, magnify and project the image onto a forward projection type reflective screen."

In other words, the image from a regular old TV tube was flipped and back-projected onto a transparent screen [I suspect a similar system was used in the RCA rear-projection sets that debuted in 1983].

So, no big surprise, it was only a magnified 25" television. But that was totally cool back in the day! And look at that top-load optional VHS deck! I remember those very well... I use to go over to the home of a friend whose parents had one of those. They were always up on the latest high-tec. We would place green Army men on top of the tape tray and hit the eject button. The force of the tray flying up was a great catapult!

And then there was this high-end item. I think the headline in the ad says it all.

I was so jealous of the people who had these recorders! The big knobs, the ability to show videotapes of shows which became snowy over the aerial... Oh, for those days...

Hukd on foniks workd for me

2008-08-08T14:15:00.002-04:00

I am not the best speller in the world. I am extremely thankful for spell-check and a handy reference book within arm's reach. As Nicki will tell you, I have horrible punctuation skills, as well.

But if I am taking a college-level course, I expect my professor, teacher, or whatever you want to call him or her to correct me and knock points off if I am too lazy to spell correctly on a written assignment. I know as a former employer that the quickest way to get me to throw your application away was to misspell simple words.

Now a "British Academic" is telling us that we should pay no attention to spelling at all. He actually says that we should accept "variant spellings" as legitimate. I personally call it lazy spellings, but who am I?

Rather than grammarians getting in a huff about "argument" being spelled "arguement" or "opportunity" as "opertunity", why not accept anything that's phonetically (fonetickly anyone?) correct as long as it can be understood?

"Instead of complaining about the state of the education system as we correct the same mistakes year after year, I've got a better idea," Ken Smith, a criminology lecturer at Bucks New University, wrote in the Times Higher Education Supplement.

"University teachers should simply accept as variant spelling those words our students most commonly misspell."

What?! This is the worst case of an "educator" dumbing down to the level of the student instead of expecting better students at a higher level.

To kickstart his proposal, Smith suggested 10 common misspellings that should immediately be accepted into the pantheon of variants, including "ignor", "occured", "thier", "truely", "speach" and "twelth" (it should be "twelfth").

Then of course there are words like "misspelt" (often spelled "mispelt"), not to mention "varient", a commonly used variant of "variant".

I will NEVER accept the misspelling and misuse of "their", "there" and "they're". This is very basic English, folks. The fact that somebody who is supposed to be teaching the youth proper English is supporting the dumbing down of education irritates the hell out of me! It definitely gives the home-schooling crowd more ammunition.

Thankfully, not everybody is falling at the feet of this new break-through.

Despite Smith's suggestion, language mavens are unconvinced. John Simpson, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary, says rules are rules and they are there for good reason.

"There are enormous advantages in having a coherent system of spelling," he told the Times newspaper.

"It makes it easier to communicate. Maybe during a learning phase there is some scope for error, but I would hope that by the time people get to university they have learnt to spell."

You don't even want to know what this post looked like when I just ran it through spell-check.

Toby Keith is pro-lynching?

2008-08-08T11:14:00.003-04:00

Max Blumenthal is a Nation Institute Fellow who regularly writes for The Nation and at the HuffingtonPost blog site. Oh yes, I almost forgot, he is also an idiot.

Blumenthal has decided to aim his Monte Blanc (after all, we can't have guns) at none other than Toby Keith, the country singer who is unabashedly redneck. What is Blumenthal's problem with Toby? The song "Beer for my Horses" which Toby sang with Willy Nelson. According to his blog post:

Despite his background as a comedian, Stephen Colbert is known by many of the authors who have appeared on his show as one of the toughest interviewers in the business. But on July 28, when country music superstar Toby Keith stepped on the set of the Colbert Report to promote his movie, Beer For My Horses, he was greeted by his host with nothing less than reverential admiration. After a jovial, back-slapping sit-down with Keith, Colbert turned the stage over to his guest for a performance of the song that inspired the title and theme of his forthcoming "Southern comedy."

While Keith belted out "Beer For My Horses," Colbert's studio audience clapped to the beat, blithely unaware that they were swaying to a racially tinged, explicitly pro-lynching anthem that calls for the vigilante-style hanging of car thieves, "gangsters doing dirty deeds...crime in the streets," and other assorted evildoers.

I know this song very well, so I am obviously a racist. The problem with what Blumenthal is saying is that he automatically assumes that everybody we think deserves to be hung is black. He also makes the assumption that the song is about car thieves simply because of the line "crime in the streets."

Blumenthal goes on to quote the lyrics of the song:

Grandpappy told my pappy back in my day, son
A man had to answer for the wicked that he'd done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street
For all the people to see

And then he makes his logic jump...

During the days when Toby Keith's "Grandpappy" stalked the Jim Crow South, lynching was an institutional method of terror employed against blacks to maintain white supremacy. According to the Tuskegee Institute, between the years 1882 and 1951, 3,437 African-Americans were lynched in the United States, mostly in the heart of Dixie. Felonious assault and rape (read: corrupting "the flower of white womanhood") were the two most frequent justifications for lynch mob actions.

If I was listening to this song and knew that Toby is actually from Oklahoma, I would be more scared if I was Mexican than black. Toby does not say "round up all of them black boys", he's says "bad boys", as in the men who are doing harm to us. Your politically correct definition holds no water here.

Blumenthal then posts a picture of a very famous 1930 lynching that took place which shows white folks looking on in amusement with his text "by Keith: "Hang 'em high in the street, for all the people to see"", intoning that this is what Toby is talking about in his song. It's race baiting at its worst.

Blumenthal then writes about a lynching episode in Georgia which was, as he writes, ground zero for lynch mob activity. This time, he uses the story of a Jew named Leo Frank who was hung. He even includes a photo of Frank after hanging with the text "Leo Frank, a Northern Jew, was lynched in 1915 -- from "a tall oak tree," as Toby Keith sang".

Toby is from Oklahoma, not Georgia. As I have said, the hangings he is advocating are against actual criminals. Blumenthal even finds the racist undertones in the music video for Beer for my Horses.

Those who doubt the presence of racist undertones in Keith's "Beer For My Horses" should see the song's video. Cue ahead to 3:00 and watch as Keith intones, "We got too many gangsters doin' dirty deeds." The singer's words are not-so-subtly accompanied by the image of a swaggering black man sporting short dreads and baggy clothes. Thus the profile of Keith's ideal lynching candidate is revealed.

What?! The guy that they show at that point is somebody Toby's "cop partner" in the video is trying to show a picture of a possible suspect to! A suspect which, if you actually watch the video in question, turns out to be a white male. You can see the video here.

In vintage photos shown during the video, all are wild west policemen, Texas Rangers, etc, standing beside the bodies of bad guys such as Billy the Kid and cattle rustlers.

It's time for Mr. Blumenthal to stop seeing racist rhetoric everywhere and admit that sometimes... as in most of the time... people like Toby Keith and Charlie Daniels have it right. The song lamblasts our penchant for coddling criminals in today's society, no matter what their color. If he wants to turn it into a "lynching" song, that's his prerogative. I'm sure it helps him sleep better in his ivory tower.

How to piss me off at lunch

2008-08-07T11:38:00.003-04:00

I made my daily trip to the alter of the golden arches, hoping to be blessed by Saint Ronald and, as always, there was a line to wait in. I know the employees at my super-secret Pentagon McDonalds because of my love of food which could be classified as weapons of mass destruction and I have only gotten smiles from them.

But not everybody feels as good about them as I do. A lady behind me in line today ordered a salad of some kind.

First: if you're going to McDonalds, quit fooling yourself by getting a salad and telling people how "healthy" you are. Scientists have proven that the "bad food germs" from Big Macs and McNuggetts will actually jump over to the "healthy" menu at McDonalds, thereby making a salad into a heart-attack time-bomb just waiting to happen.

Second: Do NOT look at me like I am a Philistine when I order my hamburgers and fries, asking for all of the saturated fat they can throw on the food. I know what my cholesterol numbers are and it's none of your business!

Third: Don't piss off my McDonalds staff.

When Ms. Healthy's plastic bad-for-the-environment bag of salad was given to her, she opened it and with a scowl on her face, informed the employee that there was only one package of salad dressing in the bag and she needed two more. (So much for that salad remaining healthy) The employee, following years of training and wanting to keep her job, told the woman politely that extra packages of dressing are 27 cents each.

Lets think about this logically for a moment. My McDonalds has not raised its prices as everybody else has during the gas hike. As a matter of fact, you can still get a large Sweet Tea for only $1! So if they want to charge 27 cents for people who want extra dressing, I can live with that. It's called free market, supply and demand.

And what was the reply from Ms. Healthy? A stunned look, a scowl, and a huffing walk away. As she walked past me, she actually said "That bitch wants to charge me 27 cents?! Who does she think she is?!"

I'll tell you who she is: she is a woman trying to make a living serving idiots like you! She is told by her supervisor that extra packages of dressing cost 27 cents and nobody gets freebies... period. This woman needs her job and wants to keep it. Is she going to sacrifice it for you and your high-and-mighty want of extra dressing? No! If you never go back to that McDonalds, they will survive. She needs the paycheck and she will still be working there.

I know how much most of the people in this building who wear dress clothes to work make, especially the high-and-mighty, world-revolves-around-me types. Either fork out the extra 27 cents for a damn package of dressing or shut the hell up! You know she bitches about that cost but will then go out for drinks at the most expensive bar in Old Town Alexandria in order to meet the right people. Botox isn't that expensive, is it?

Maybe if she saves the money on the extra dressing, she will be able to afford that tummy tuck later on when she discovers that all that extra dressing blows the "healthy salad" myth out of the water. Or maybe she'll just be alone...

Police to Mayor - Oops?

2008-08-07T10:39:00.002-04:00

By now you've seen the story. On Tuesday, July 29, a police SWAT team invaded the home of Berwyn Heights Mayor Cheye Calvo because they believed he was the recipient of an illegal drug delivery. A box with a 32-pound package of marijuana was delivered to the mayor's doorstep and the SWAT team busted down the door of the house and killed teh mayor's two dogs because they felt threatened by the Black Labs.

In the first Washington Post article, Calvo spoke about the raid:

"My government blew through my doors and killed my dogs," Calvo said. "They thought we were drug dealers, and we were treated as such. I don't think they really ever considered that we weren't."

Calvo described a chaotic scene, in which he -- wearing only underwear and socks -- and his mother-in-law were handcuffed and interrogated for hours. They were surrounded by the dogs' carcasses and pools of the dogs' blood, Calvo said.

The Sheriff's office offers no apologies for killing the dogs.

Sgt. Mario Ellis, a Sheriff's Office spokesman, said the deputies who entered Calvo's home "apparently felt threatened" by the dogs.

"We're not in the habit of going to homes and shooting peoples' dogs," Ellis said. "If we were, there would be a lot more dead dogs around the county."

[...]

As the police came in, Calvo said, they shot his 7-year-old black Labrador retriever, Payton, near the front door and then his 4-year-old dog, Chase, also a black Lab, as the dog ran into a back room. Walking through his house yesterday, Calvo pointed out a bullet hole in the drywall where the younger dog had been shot.

"I understand they have a job to do, but it didn't have to go like that," Calvo said. He said the police could have knocked on his door and asked him about the package. "I've never done drugs in my life. Anyone who knows me knows that I am so adamantly opposed to them."

First, the man was the Mayor of a small town and the Sheriff's Department allowed a SWAT raid without contacting the Police Chief of the town.

Berwyn Heights Police Chief Patrick Murphy said county police and the Sheriff’s Office had not notified his department of the raid. He said town police could have conducted the search without a SWAT team.

“You can’t tell me the chief of police of a municipality wouldn’t have been able to knock on the door of the mayor of that municipality, gain his confidence and enter the residence,” Murphy said. “It would not have been a necessity to shoot and kill this man’s dogs.”

Then, after the Sheriff's Department claims to have the right to bust down the door and kill the dogs, we find out that the police never had the proper warrant.

Prince George's County authorities did not have a "no-knock" warrant when they burst into the home of a mayor July 29, shooting and killing his two dogs -- contrary to what police said after the incident.

[...]

A Prince George's police spokesman said last week that a Sheriff's Office SWAT team and county police narcotics officers were operating under such a warrant when they broke down the door of Berwyn Heights Mayor Cheye Calvo, shooting and killing his black Labrador retrievers.

But a review of the warrant indicates that police neither sought nor received permission from Circuit Court Judge Albert W. Northrup to enter without knocking. Northrup found probable cause to suspect that drugs might be in the house and granted police a standard search warrant.

"There's nothing in the four corners of the warrant saying anything about the Calvos being a threat to law enforcement," said Calvo's attorney, Timothy Maloney. "This was a lawless act by law enforcement."

And now, Prince George's County Police say, oops, maybe it wasn't for the Mayor after all.

Prince George's County police said they have solved a drug smuggling scheme thanks to a key piece of evidence that was delivered to a local mayor's home, which was raided last week.

Police said they have arrested a deliveryman and another man they said are involved in a plot to smuggle 417 pounds of marijuana. According to authorities, the plot involved shipping marijuana in packages addressed to unknowing recipients, including one sent last week to the home of the mayor of Berwyn Heights.

[...]

Investigators said Calvo may have been the victim of a scheme to ship marijuana to Prince George's County.

Of the two people arrested in the case, said Maj. Mark Majaw, one person, an independent contractor, was involved in the parcel delivery. A second person was the parcel's intended recipient.

"There is a possibility that it was not meant for the mayor," Majaw said.

But the most telling part of the story and how the police department sees themselves follows:

Authorities also shot and killed Calvo's two black Labradors during the raid. Sheriff's office spokesman Sgt. Mario Ellis said deputies "apparently felt threatened" by the dogs.

Police said Wednesday they followed proper procedure and there will be no apologies.

They shot one of the dogs as it was running away from them, by their own admission! If that was a human being, the police would be riding desk duty, stripped of their firearms, and up on charges for manslaughter! At the VERY LEAST, they need to apologize to the Mayor!

I agree with what Rachel Lucas said about the story:

In what kind of fucked-up criminal justice system is it really believed and acted upon that such manpower and firepower needs to be spent on marijuana? Jesus of Colombia, aren’t there more valuable ways to spend a SWAT team’s time? Legalize that weed for pete’s sake.

Jerry's Cartoons of the Day

2008-08-07T10:15:00.002-04:00

Today's cartoons, brought to us by my old friend, Jerry, are probably the most apropos cartoons for our time...

1. Why publishing Ashmadai took so long...

2. The absolute truth about pundits...

DNC creates a Nanny State mentality

2008-08-06T14:41:00.004-04:00

The Democratic National Convention will be called to order on August 25th. But before one word can be said, before one drink can be drank, before one hooker can be paid her hush money, host city Denver is doing all they can to ensure a smooth convention period for all.

For instance, to make it easy for protesters to get around, the city released a parade map for protesters. Isn't that nice of them? Then the Associated Press wrote that they would be able to use a part of Invesco Field.

DENVER -- Protesters and anyone else who's just curious will be able to gather in a VIP parking lot next to Invesco Field at Mile High on the closing day of the Democratic National Convention.

The city announced Monday that the designated 53,000-square-foot-area in parking lot J is within sight and sound of delegates arriving to hear Barack Obama's acceptance speech. Previously the city had released a map of a parade route for protesters that would have kept them at the border of the stadium's grounds. Protesters will use that route and then enter onto Invesco's grounds to get to the demonstration zone.

In a written statement, mayor's spokeswoman Sue Cobb said people in the demonstration zone are entitled under Denver law to use bullhorns to get their point across. In addition, the city will also provide a riser and a microphone attached to at least two speakers outside the area.

At the Pepsi Center, the site for the first three days of the convention, protesters may only demonstrate in a parking lot far from the entrance to the arena.

Protesters and the American Civil Liberties Union sued the city and the Secret Service over those arrangements. A federal judge is considering whether the plans need to be changed to accommodate their free speech rights.

A trial on the protest rules for Invesco Field is scheduled for Aug. 12.

The city is providing a riser and mic system for protesters and still they're suing with the help of the ACLU?! "We're sorry, but in order for us to be effective assholes, we need the full use of all facilities the city has to offer."

The Constitution does ensure the right to free speech without government interference, it does NOT say that the government entity has to pay for your right to be an idiot! People listening to their candidate of choice inside the convention hall do not have to listen to the mutterings of inexcusably rude people just because they feel they have something to say.

But I'm sure that the ACLU's lawyers are smelling blood with the latest proclamation by the City of Denver. Please read this headline from the Rocky Mountain News (slogan: "That's NEWS, not OYSTERS") and remove all liquids from the general vicinity:

With DNC in mind, Denver bans carrying urine, feces

Yes, the urine and feces protesters will be extremely disappointed, calling on the ACLU to defend their Constitutional right to openly carry vile, disgusting bodily waste without government interference.

Poo and pee dominated a public hearing Monday on a new law that prohibits people from carrying certain items if they intend to use them for nefarious purposes.

The law, crafted in advance of the Democratic National Convention, was adopted unanimously by the City Council.

But not before a hearing laced with comedy and profanity.

Representatives from some of the groups planning large-scale protests during the DNC this month said the ordinance was unnecessary and accused city officials of fear mongering.

"The intent of this ordinance is to try to smear protesters and make them look as if they are somehow criminal or somehow going to engage in some kind of gross conduct," said Glenn Spagnuolo, an organizer with the Re- create 68 Alliance.

The ordinance makes it illegal to carry certain items, such as chains, padlocks, carabiners and other locking devices. It also prohibits the possession of noxious substances. Two of the most frequently used examples of a noxious substance are a bucket of urine and a "feces bomb."

Honestly, I don't have a problem with telling people they cannot openly carry urine or feces. I would rather not be around them anyway. But to create a law which illegal to carry a chain, padlock or carabiner?! Let's be realistic for a moment here.

If I am riding a bicycle to the Democratic National Convention... something they should approve of... I cannot lock my bike up to protect it from insane protesters because having a chain or padlock is against the law?!

Nicki wrote a great blog about Prior Restraint and I think it applies here as well. Just because you think something may happen, you cannot outlaw the items which may make it happen eventually.

Gun control nutbags have often quoted what they perceive to be limitations on the First Amendment as justification for limiting the Second. "You can't yell 'FIRE!'in a crowded theater," they claim. Well, actually, you can -- if there is a fire. And much like state legislators do not mandate theater managers to duct tape patrons' mouths shut, just in case they might incite panic and yell, "FIRE!" illegally, they also have no right to mandate the confiscation of a gun, just in case an individual may use it in a crime.

Very soon, you are going to see what I am calling, in layman's terms, "Just-In-Case Laws", or JIC Laws.

"Well, we need to outlaw all knives just in case somebody wants to stab somebody else."

"We need to outlaw cars just in case somebody wants to use one to run down several senior citizens in Florida."

"We need to outlaw all writing apparatus just in case somebody wants to question what we in the government are doing."

I would have more but I feel the need to go buy several hundred feet of chain and a few padlocks and take a trip to Denver.

Paris Hilton Ad

2008-08-06T10:36:00.003-04:00

Yes, I actually said... or rather, wrote... Paris Hilton. I never thought this day would come, but I laughed so hard at this mock ad put out on the website Funny or Die.

As my regular (4) readers will remember, McCain ran an ad in which he compares Obama's celebrity to that of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. For those who have not seen the ad, I have linked to it below:

This was the ad in which New York Times columnist Bob Herbert saw images which set him on fire, stating that it was a racist ad. Here's what he said on MSNBC's Morning Joe (Thanks to Mark Finkelstein at Newsbusters):

BOB HERBERT: You guys have seen the ad a number of times, I am sure, and you have it here in-house. First thing you see are a couple of images of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, right? And we see an image of Barack Obama right after that, comes quickly right at the beginning of the, you remember that, right? Do you remember any other startling images right there at the beginning?

Silence on the set.

HERBERT: Alright. There is an image right there in that very beginning of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and there is an image of the Washington Monument. Look at the beginning of that ad again. And you tell me why those two phallic symbols are placed there [snaps fingers]—pow!—right at the very beginning of that ad.

Even Jon Stewart and The Daily Show saw the stupidity in that statement. Nicki did a great blog on it.

Now a video has been made by none other than Paris Hilton herself in response. And here's the scary thing about it... she sounds much more knowledgeable than either of the candidates! It is the best "campaign ad" of the year and I will go on record now to say that I would vote for her before I would vote for either of the others. At least we know what Paris stands for and her skeletons are already out there for all to see... quite literally.

What does it say for our society when the highest class shown thus far has been by Paris Hilton? Where else will you hear a candidate say "I'll see you at the debate, bitches."? Watch and enjoy.

Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Adfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

New Army Spokesdrone

2008-08-06T09:59:00.002-04:00

A good friend who will go unnamed (although she does have stars on her uniform) sent this link to me. It is a fantastic Onion Video about the U.S. Army's new un-manned Pentagon Spokesdrone, something we tried to keep quiet for years.

The funniest things about the video to me are that they call an "officer" wearing Colonel rank "General" and identify CNN's Senior Pentagon Correspondent, Jamie McIntyre, as being with USA Today.

Pentagon's Unmanned Spokesdrone Completes First Press Conference Mission

Conservatives in Hollywood? Say it ain't so.

2008-08-05T10:51:00.006-04:00

I don't normally read the Weekly Standard. I'm not their normal demographic in that I like to see proof of attacks made on the competition, not just attacks made for the sake of keeping up attacks.

But their latest cover story, written by Stephen F. Hayes, is getting a lot of blog coverage... with good reason. There are conservatives in Hollywood. And I'm not talking about lower-level guys and gals who never get work, I mean some heavy-weights. David Zucker... co-creator of hits like Airplane! and Kentucky Fried Movie... is making a movie with some of those friends who feel that they have something to say as well.

But in typical Zucker fashion, the movie, An American Carol, doesn't so much hit you over the head with a baseball bat, it's more like a foam bat swung by a guy with a red nose... and not Ted Kennedy.

The set jumps to life. Two young men--both terrorists--enter the station. They are surprised to see a security checkpoint manned by two NYPD officers. "I'll need to see your bag, please," says one of the officers. The lead terrorist glances nervously at his friend and swings his backpack down from his shoulder to present it to the cops. Just as the officer pulls on the zipper, however, a small army of ACLU lawyers marches up to the policemen with a stop-search order. The cops look at each other and shrug their shoulders. "This says we can't search their bags."

The young men are relieved. They smile fiendishly as they walk toward the crowded platform. As the lead terrorist once again slips the backpack over his shoulder, he mutters his appreciation.

"Thank Allah for the ACLU."

With a gag like that, I have to see this movie! In Hollywood, conservatives are almost and underground movement. A group put together by actor Gary Sinise (who also plays a mean bass in his band) is called "The Friends of Abe". They get together regularly just to talk, not to create pamphlets or start marches.

But just what could a conservative movie look like?

The holiday in An American Carol is not Christmas and the antagonist is not Ebenezer Scrooge. Instead, the film follows the exploits of a slovenly, anti-American filmmaker named Michael Malone, who has joined with a left-wing activist group (Moovealong.org) to ban the Fourth of July. Along the way, Malone is visited by the ghosts of three American heroes--George Washington, George S. Patton, and John F. Kennedy--who try to convince him he's got it all wrong. When terrorists from Afghanistan realize that they need to recruit more operatives to make up for the ever-diminishing supply of suicide bombers, they begin a search for just the right person to help produce a new propaganda video. "This will not be hard to find in Hollywood," says one. "They all hate America." When they settle on Malone, who is in need of work after his last film (Die You American Pigs) bombed at the box office, he unwittingly helps them with their plans to launch another attack on American soil.

The entire film is an extended rebuttal to the vacuous antiwar slogan that "War Is Not the Answer." Zucker's response, in effect: "It Depends on the Question."

And just who is in the movie? The lead is Kevin Farley, younger brother of the late Chris Farley.

Zucker and [Producer Myrna] Sokoloff met Farley in April 2007. Zucker described his new film with words he had chosen carefully. "I figured he was like everyone else in Hollywood--a Democrat," Zucker recalls. "And we knew that this was not a Democrat movie." It would be a satirical look at the war on terror, he told Farley, and explained that he and Sokoloff were political "moderates."

Farley hadn't seen any of Zucker's ads and assumed he was like everyone else in Hollywood--a Democrat. So he answered with some strategic ambiguity of his own. "I consider myself a centrist," he said, worried that they might press him more about his political views.

Zucker gave Farley the script and, concerned that Farley's agent would advise him against accepting the role because of the film's politics, told the actor not to show it to anyone. Farley, best known for his recurring role in a series of Hertz commercials, read the script and called back the next day to accept.

When he met Zucker and Sokoloff on the set as shooting on the film began, he told them that he, too, had long considered himself a conservative. "I couldn't believe it," says Sokoloff. "We were afraid that he would not want to be involved in something that was so directly taking on the left and that he would not want to play the Michael Moore character."

Okay, so you have the little brother of somebody who was famous once. Any bigshots?

[Producer Steve]McEveety [Braveheart, We Were Soldiers, and The Passion of the Christ] is one of several big names that will make it hard for the Hollywood establishment to ignore An American Carol. Jon Voight plays George Washington. Dennis Hopper makes an appearance as a judge who defends his courthouse by gunning down ACLU lawyers trying to take down the Ten Commandments. James Woods plays Michael Malone's agent. And Kelsey Grammer plays General George S. Patton, Malone's guide to American history and the mouthpiece of the film's writers.

Grammer has been out as a conservative for several years and has publicly mused about running for office. His name comes up periodically when California Republicans are brainstorming about candidates to take on Barbara Boxer or Dianne Feinstein for their Senate seats. It's not hard to see why. He is passionate about the issues that matter most to conservatives and extraordinarily articulate.

"The accepted way to speak about America is in the voice that disrespects it. And the voice that's unacceptable is the one that loves America," he says, wearing the uniform of an Army general and sipping from a bottle of pomegranate juice. "How did we get here?"

Over the course of two hours, we are joined by several others working on the movie and talk about everything from taxes--"the rich in this country are being criminalized"--to Iraq. "Petraeus has to couch every bit of optimism in some convoluted formulation to avoid the promised rush of disrespect," Grammer says.

Even Trace Adkins is in the film, playing "The Spirit of Christmas Future", according to the film's imdb page.

One of my favorite actors, Robert Davi, is also in the film. I first remember Davi from the films The Goonies and Die Hard. But he says one thing that really endears him to me.

Robert Davi, who plays the lead terrorist in the Zucker film, joins us as the discussion turns from policy to the cable pundit shows. Davi is one of those actors with an instantly recognizable face--he was the villain in the Bond film Licence to Kill--but whose name is unknown to most of the country.

"I can't stand Keith Olbermann," says Davi. "Jesus Christ, I want to slap that guy."

That is a movie I would pay everything I have to see! Davi slapping Olbermann.

"No one on the left wants to admit that radical Islamists want to kill Americans, the Jews--everyone in the West," Davi says. "I try to talk to my friends on the left and they just don't get it. Most of them have never even heard of Sayyid Qutb. How can you have an intellectual discussion about the war we're in without knowing who Sayyid Qutb is?"

And for those who think that the anti-conservatism in Hollywood is a conspiracy theory of nuts, read what a Reserve Soldier has to say.

Later that same day, I spoke to Lee Reynolds, who plays the New York police officer whose efforts to search the terrorists are thwarted by the ACLU. Reynolds, too, is a conservative--something David Zucker did not know when he cast Reynolds in the anti-Kerry ad he produced in 2004. Reynolds was active duty military for 12 years and shortly after 9/11 worked as the chief media officer for detainee operations at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.

When he returned, he took a job as a production assistant on a film--he asked me not to name it--shot in several locations across the United States. Reynolds worked hard and, he says, won the confidence of the film's directors, who gave him more responsibility. But just as he was making a name for himself, word began to spread that he had been in the military and, far worse, that he supported the efforts of his uniformed colleagues in the war on terror.

"Once they found out I was a Republican, unfortunately for some people it was a problem," he recalls. Several people who had talked to him regularly throughout the shoot simply stopped. And a trip that he was to have taken to participate in an offsite shoot across the country was abruptly cancelled. Another person was sent in his place. Reynolds says that he had only two colleagues who treated him the same way they had before, including "an anti-Bush lesbian" who was disgusted by the dogmatism of the others on the film. Reynolds, now a reservist, is scheduled to leave for Iraq in early 2009. The more Zucker is known as a conservative, the more frequently he has encounters with others who consider themselves conservative.

I can't wait to see this movie. It's going to be fun to watch the Olbermanns of the world line up to spit on it.

Graphic of the Day

2008-08-05T10:26:00.003-04:00

Because Rachel Lucas is the second-best blogger I know (you're welcome, Nicki), I like to steal things from here all the time.

Today's graphic is a must-have...

A good Soldier has no age limit

2008-08-04T19:12:00.004-04:00

Since the Army announced the raising of its age limit to 42, I've heard all kinds of slurs from comedians, talk-show hosts, and just people on the street. "This is not your Father's Army! Okay, maybe it is now.", "Specialist Grandpa", and "Old man Army" to name a few.

What you aren't hearing about are the success stories. There are hundreds of them. Soldiers who got into the Army on waivers and turned their lives around. Kids who found that the regiment of the Army is what they had been looking for all along. And yes, even older Americans who always dreamed of serving but never did.

Sgt. David Turner of the 4th Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, tells the story of one of these people.

FORWARD OPERATING BASE KALSU, Iraq – Two years after the Army’s raising of the maximum age limit for enlistees, it is not uncommon to find Soldiers over the age of 40 in the junior enlisted ranks.

Some served in their younger years; some always wanted to serve. Some are parents of children who serve – and found their motivation from them.

One Soldier’s story stands out as being particularly special.

At the age of 41, with four children, two of them already serving in the Army, Spc. Gina Keller (then private) graduated basic training at Fort Jackson, S.C., and entered active duty. She said it was the realization of a dream she had for more than 20 years.

“I always wanted to join the service. I tried at 18, but because of family values and respect for my family, I chose not to,” she said.

Keller’s parents didn’t think joining the military was the right move for her at that time. In the meantime, she started a family of her own and put her dream of military service on hold. Her children, three sons and a daughter, came first, she said. But she always hoped the chance to serve would come again.

“I still knew that if someday it came around, that I could do it,” she said.

With her oldest son, Isaac, already serving in the Army, Keller learned the age limit for enlistment had been raised to 39. She was 40. She sought a waiver to join the National Guard, but was turned down.

“My heart was broken,” she said. “I thought I would never get to do this.”

Months passed. Then she heard the Army had raised the age limit again, to 42. An Army recruiter called her the next day and asked her if she still wanted to join.

“I was always hoping and praying somehow I’d make this goal, this dream, happen,” she said.

Her son Isaac had just joined the National Guard, and mother and son shipped off to basic training within days of each other. He went to Fort Leonard Wood, Miss.; Keller left for Fort Jackson.

Despite the rigors of basic training, Keller proved herself in a group of younger recruits. Drill sergeants didn’t treat her any differently, she said, and the female drill sergeants were the hardest on her.

“I was called ‘grandma’ and ‘old lady’ most of the time I was there,” she recalled.

Her fellow Soldiers helped her manage the stressors of the training.

“I got a lot of encouragement from the younger [Soldiers] to keep striving and to make it,” she said.

After basic training, Keller completed her Advanced Individual Training, qualifying as a wheeled-vehicle mechanic. Then, a strange twist - Keller received orders to report to her new unit, the 92nd Engineer Brigade, her son Andrew’s unit.

“He said, ‘You can’t be coming here.’ I said, ‘Yes, I am,” she recalled with a laugh. Keller said Andrew pleaded with his company’s first sergeant, “You can’t let that happen – I can’t have my mom here.”

Worries of standing next to Mom in formation subsided right away. Andrew deployed to Iraq, expected to return home in October 2007. He had not seen his mother in 18 months, and the day of his scheduled return turned out to be the day of his mother’s departure; she received orders to deploy to Iraq, too.

Things were happening fast for the 42-year-old single parent. She relocated with her youngest child, now 13, to Fort Stewart, Ga., and began preparing for a 15-month tour of duty, assigned to the 703rd Brigade Support Battalion, 4th Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division. Her commander allowed her an extra 10 days before deploying to spend time with Andrew. Mother and son bonded in a new way: he helped pack her bags and advised her on her upcoming journey.

“He knew what I had to face,” she said. “He knew where I was going.”

Keller said the prospect of a long deployment didn’t discourage her.

“I wanted to try and accomplish the rest of my goal, which was to come to the service and to serve the Soldiers. I knew what the Soldiers had to go through; I saw my sons go through it, and I wanted to be here to be of service to them, she said.

“All the way through basic training they kept emphasizing that we were going to be deployed. I was whole heartedly engaged with the fact that I was going to serve my country, one way or the other. Whatever my country expected of me, that’s what I was going to do,” said Keller.

While at Fort Stewart, Keller had another surprise in store for her. On the rifle range one day, she met the man she would call her husband.

“I wasn’t looking for anybody to be my significant other when I got to Fort Stewart,” she recalled. Sgt. Kevin Keller was a safety on the range that day, and while helping her adjust the sights on her rifle, they struck up a friendship.

“He came over to me in the foxhole and said, ‘What are you shooting at?’ I said, ‘The targets, sergeant.’ He said, ‘Well, you’re not hitting any of them.’”

After their first meeting, she began seeing him around the motor pool; she worked there as a mechanic, and he worked as a fuel specialist. He was a sergeant and she was a private first class, which made a relationship challenging. Though they served in separate companies in the same battalion, rules against fraternization drew criticism from their leaders. Sgt. Keller’s warmth and confidence won her over, though.

“He said from the first day he met me, ‘You’re going to marry me.’ He was telling everybody,” she recalled.

There was little time for courtship, though. Deployed together to Iraq, the two were stationed at Forward Operating Base Kalsu, where different jobs and schedules prevented them from seeing much of each other. Still, their relationship was the cause of talk, so in January they decided to do something about it. Taking leave together, they travelled home to the U.S. to get married. Within two days of their arrival, they were officially man and wife. Then, they went back to Iraq.

Serving together as newlyweds has afforded the two a unique version of marital bliss. Though they do not share living quarters, and they work different hours in different places, they enjoy the moments they do spend together. They often share meals in the dining facility, and Spc. Keller frequently takes iced tea to her husband on the job.

Their marriage so far has been spent mostly apart, serving in a combat zone, Keller said she has not been disappointed with deployment. She currently works at the FOB’s airfield.

“I’ve enjoyed everything that I’ve done. I’ve always felt that when Soldiers accept me as working hard and getting them where they need to be, helping them accomplish their mission – that is my reward,” she said.

With her two-year enlistment soon to be over, Spc. Keller said she wanted to re-enlist, “but Sgt. Keller had other plans for me,” she said. “He said that since he was retiring, I would be retiring, too.”

The couple plans to purchase five acres of land and build their own house. Not one to shy away from a challenge, Spc. Keller plans to do the work herself. Her previous civilian job was as a carpenter.

She said others like her shouldn’t be afraid of the challenge to serve their country.

“For anybody over 40 who really wants to come to the service, there is a very big reward here,” she said. “You have to come here open-minded; you can’t come here as your own individual. You have to be willing to change, and you have to be willing to serve.”

Time to outlaw fire

2008-08-04T12:47:00.005-04:00

For years, the Brady group has argued that all guns must be outlawed because they hurt people... not the shooter, the gun.

In that vein, I would like to start a movement to outlaw the element fire. Due to recent news events, I have now become convinced that fire has become a big problem in this country and needs to be eradicated immediately.

It started with a fire at the Westboro Baptist Church, that den of patience and tolerance which likes to protest at the funerals of Soldiers because, they claim, those Soldiers were "protecting fags". You have to love intolerance and idiocy. The church claims that the fire is arson.

But a next-door neighbor to the church isn't so convinced that it was a case of arson. According to a story from KSNT television, 91-year old Leona McQueen claims it's the church trying to drive her out of her home.

McQueen says she has been butting heads with church members for decades. She says the fire may have be an elaborate attempt to scare her into selling her house.

McQueen said, “They keep claiming that this property is theirs, and it is not theirs. They keep wanting to buy me, but I don't want to sell it. I don't know if whether they are trying to push me out. I don't know."

Westboro Baptist Church Member Shirley Phelps-Roper said, “It's a ridiculous accusation. The fire was started by someone as we slept. Thankfully the lord our god keeps us in all our ways. The noise that they made the fire was so big and voluminous the popping and cracking woke people up."

McQueen is determined to stay put. She says she loves her house, and the church is just going to have put up with her.

I love this woman.

But just in case you don't care about whether in intolerant religious cult burns to the ground, how about some good, old-fashioned terror by fire? Fire has been the favored terror tactic of the animal activist group Animal Liberation Front (ALF) for years, having fire-bombed research labs before. Now they are turning their attention to the homes of the actual researchers.

Two researchers at the University of California, Santa Cruz, were targeted over the weekend for firebombing. One family had to escape from a second-story window when a firebomb was set off on their front porch.

Authorities are calling it "domestic terrorism." Fox News picks up the story:

The attacks came four days after police obtained animal rights pamphlets left at a Santa Cruz coffeehouse that contained the names and home addresses of university scientists.

"Animal abusers everywhere beware," the pamphlets read. "We know where you live."

Molecular biologist David Feldheim, whose front door was charred, was listed in the pamphlet. According to his Web site, Feldheim's lab uses mice to study the development of brain functions involved in eyesight.

The screen capture to the right shows the cover of the pamphlet.

Police said they have no suspects in Saturday's attacks, the first since February, when animal rights activists showed up at the house of a UC Santa Cruz breast cancer researcher during her young daughter's birthday party.

The masked protesters pounded on the front door, and one threw a punch at the researcher's husband as he tried to chase them away, according to police. The FBI is still investigating.

In recent years, three UCLA researchers who use non-human primates have been targeted with firebombs. Animal rights groups claimed responsibility for all three attacks.

More recently, masked protesters targeting UC Berkeley have scrawled graffiti and broken windows at scientists' homes.

The ALF is a group of animal-rights wackos who believe that violence against humans is perfectly acceptable in order to "liberate" animals.

If you would like to see just how insane the ALF, PETA, and all of the "animal rights" movement is, click and watch this clip from Penn and Teller.

So as you can see, a lot of people use fire in order to scare or harm others. According to statistics from the U.S. Fire Administration, some sobering numbers can be found:

There were 3,245 civilians that lost their lives as the result of fire.
There were 16,400 civilian injuries that occurred as the result of fire.
There were 106 firefighters killed while on duty.
Fire killed more Americans than all natural disasters combined.
81 percent of all civilian fire deaths occurred in residences.
1.6 million fires were reported. Many others went unreported, causing additional injuries and property loss.
Direct property loss due to fires was estimated at $11.3 billion.
An estimated 31,000 intentionally set structure fires resulted in 305 civilian deaths.
Intentionally set structure fires resulted in an estimated $755 million in property damage.

If we outlaw fire now, look at how many lives could be saved every year. Isn't that the way we think here? If something hurts or kills somebody, it needs to be outlawed right away. Nowhere in the Constitution or Bill of Rights are we guaranteed fire.

Of course, just because something is in the Constitution or Bill of Rights doesn't mean it will survive the next President, whoever he may be.

Free Market? Not on my watch.

2008-08-04T11:37:00.004-04:00

Here we go again. The term "windfall Profits Tax" is back in the Obama camp. The term has effectively replaced free-market thinking, making the person who uses the term into an instant Robin Hood, stealing from the rich (evil corporations) to give to the poor (you, the people).

Nicki knows what sets me off, so whenever I send her a gun control story, she responds in kind. In this case, a great article from today's Wall Street Journal entitled What Is a 'Windfall' Profit?

Because the stimulus checks sent out earlier this year did such an amazing job of revitalizing the economy (if this statement confuses you, please see the definition of sarcasm here), Obama is now floating the idea of "energy stimulus" checks of $1,000 for couples and $500 for individuals. And how will these be paid for? By the government taking a "reasonable" share of the profits from big oil companies.

Mr. Obama didn't bother to define "reasonable," and neither did Dick Durbin, the second-ranking Senate Democrat, when he recently declared that "The oil companies need to know that there is a limit on how much profit they can take in this economy." Really? This extraordinary redefinition of free-market success could use some parsing.

A limit on profits?! This statement, in my mind, ranks right up there with the most un-American of statements I've ever heard. What impetus does any company owner have to make profit if the government is allowed to simply take it away at their whim?

Take Exxon Mobil, which on Thursday reported the highest quarterly profit ever and is the main target of any "windfall" tax surcharge. Yet if its profits are at record highs, its tax bills are already at record highs too. Between 2003 and 2007, Exxon paid $64.7 billion in U.S. taxes, exceeding its after-tax U.S. earnings by more than $19 billion. That sounds like a government windfall to us, but perhaps we're missing some Obama-Durbin business subtlety.

Maybe they have in mind profit margins as a percentage of sales. Yet by that standard Exxon's profits don't seem so large. Exxon's profit margin stood at 10% for 2007, which is hardly out of line with the oil and gas industry average of 8.3%, or the 8.9% for U.S. manufacturing (excluding the sputtering auto makers).

If that's what constitutes windfall profits, most of corporate America would qualify. Take aerospace or machinery -- both 8.2% in 2007. Chemicals had an average margin of 12.7%. Computers: 13.7%. Electronics and appliances: 14.5%. Pharmaceuticals (18.4%) and beverages and tobacco (19.1%) round out the Census Bureau's industry rankings. The latter two double the returns of Big Oil, though of course government has already became a tacit shareholder in Big Tobacco through the various legal settlements that guarantee a revenue stream for years to come.

In a tax bill on oil earlier this summer, no fewer than 51 Senators voted to impose a 25% windfall tax on a U.S.-based oil company whose profits grew by more than 10% in a single year and wasn't investing enough in "renewable" energy. This suggests that a windfall is defined by profits growing too fast. No one knows where that 10% came from, besides political convenience. But if 10% is the new standard, the tech industry is going to have to rethink its growth arc. So will LG, the electronics company, which saw its profits grow by 505% in 2007. Abbott Laboratories hit 110%.

The article goes on to highlight other industries and companies to experience "windfall profits" over the past year, to include Google at a 25% margin. Are they going to be hit by the tax as well?

We have become the America of unfair taxation and government interference accepted by the people. Part of my job is media analysis. Because of this, I have six monitors in my office at all times with NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, FoxNews, and CNN on at all times. Not 10 minutes ago, I looked up and saw Barrack Obama on all three cable news stations oulining his energy plan in a live speech from Michigan while he was on ABC's "The View" pimping the same plan. Four out of six possible stations were Obama's energy plan. A constant barrage of images of Obama.

If I tell you that I am going to give you $1,000 and it will be paid for by the evil oil companies that have been taking your money, most Americans, unfortunately, will jump on board without giving it a second thought. There is no such thing as freebies from the government and there never will be. Those checks will be paid for by your grandchildren, not oil companies.

The Wall Street Journal article sums the entire idiotic idea up very nicely:

The point isn't that these folks (other than Mr. Clinton) have something to apologize for, or that these firms are somehow more "deserving" of windfall tax extortion than Big Oil. The point is that what constitutes an abnormal profit is entirely arbitrary. It is in the eye of the political beholder, who is usually looking to soak some unpopular business. In other words, a windfall is nothing more than a profit earned by a business that some politician dislikes. And a tax on that profit is merely a form of politically motivated expropriation.

It's what politicians do in Venezuela, not in a free country.

Cartoon of the Day

2008-08-01T16:33:00.001-04:00

Mr. Deity

2008-08-01T14:49:00.003-04:00

I'm always on the lookout for a new and fun internet video series. Thanks to the James Randi Educational Foundation, I was turned onto a great little internet series called Mr. Deity (website here).

The series revolves around the origins of the universe as brought to us by Mr. Deity, or as some would call him, God. the episode I have posted here is a conversation between Mr. Deity and Lucifer. Enjoy.

You may choose other episodes from Season 1 by using your mouse to arrow over the thumbnails below the video.

From Crackle: Mr. Deity and Lucifer - Season 1, Ep 5

Sign of the Day

2008-08-01T13:58:00.002-04:00

This is a great fake sign for bears and humans alike.

Obama karma

2008-08-01T11:31:00.005-04:00

[Update Below]

Today, Barrack Obama is holding a town-hall meeting in Florida. As he began discussing his problems with Wall Street at 10:22 EST, three black men jumped up in the back of the room holding a banner which read "What About The Black Community, Obama?"

As the men started shouting at Obama, his supporters (drones) began shouting "Yes we can!", filling the hall with a WWE-like atmosphere for a moment. Obama told the protesters... rightfully so... to sit down, that they would have their chance to ask questions just like everybody else. As he said, this was why he holds town-hall meetings.

"You'll have a chance to answer your questions," Obama said to the men. (No, that's not a typo, he did say 'answer'.) "But you don't want to disrupt the whole meeting. Just be courteous, that's all. All you gotta do is be courteous, that's all."

Obama supporters then broke out in applause. But as Obama was telling the three men to "just relax", a supporter pulled the banner out of their hands and handed it to a nearby woman, who began folding it up. As you will see from the news footage below, the sign was then grabbed quite forcefully by an Obama employee and taken away.

Any bets that banners are no longer allowed at Obama rallies?

Now here's the really juicy part: the group that was protesting Obama... one of the most outwardly socialist legislators we have... is a group that calls itself The International People's Democratic Uhuru Movement. The group is led by Omali Yeshitela's African People's Socialist Party (APSP).

That's right, Obama was protested by a group which believes he is not socialist enough! But why would they be protesting against Obama? Let's take a look at what they stand for taken straight from the African People's Socialist Party website:

We want an end to all local, state, federal, and other taxation of black people by the U.S. government and any of its agencies. - We believe that such taxation is illegitimate, that black people have no real or meaningful authority within the U.S. government, and that U.S. taxation of African people is therefore taxation without representation. We believe that in the absence of such real or meaningful authority we have nothing to say about how such monies are used, and that therefore the taxes taken from black people are often used against us and other oppressed and exploited peoples within the U.S. and around the world.

We want the immediate and unconditional release of all black people who are presently locked down in U.S. prisons. - We believe that all the African men and women who are locked down in the U.S. concentration camps commonly known as prisons are there due to decisions, laws, and circumstances which were created by aliens and foreigners for their own benefit and as a means of genocidal colonialist control.

We want complete amnesty for all African political prisoners and prisoners of war from U.S. prisons or their immediate release to any friendly country which will accept them and give them political asylum. - We believe that U.S. prisons are also used as the illegitimate tool for torturing, murdering, and holding captive those courageous daughters and sons of Africa who through their patriotic deeds or spoken or written words in support of the cause of our liberation have become political prisoners and prisoners of war.

We want the immediate withdrawal of the U.S. police from our oppressed and exploited communities. - We believe that the various U.S. police agencies which occupy our communities are arms of the U.S. colonialist state which is responsible for keeping our people enslaved and terrorized.

And, of course...

We want the U.S. and the international European ruling class and states to pay Africa and African people for the centuries of genocide, oppression, and enslavement of our people. - We believe that U.S. and European civilization were born from, and are presently maintained by, the horrendous theft of human and material resources from Africa and its people. We also believe that this theft of human and material resources is responsible for the present underpopulation and underdevelopment of Africa and her people and the political servitude, material impoverishment, and cultural discontinuity and disintegration of African people throughout the world. We believe that Africa and African people are due reparations, just economic compensation, billions of dollars which must be paid to the Organization of African Unity or any other legitimate international organization of African people, for equitable distribution for the development of Africa.

So, all we have to do is release every black person who is currently in prison, no matter how heinous the crime, because they were put there due to colonialism. Then we have to let all black people stop paying taxes. Finally, we have to pay them billions of dollars in reparations. That's all, they're not asking for much at all.

By the way, they are also HUGE supporters of Hugo Chavez. These are the people protesting Obama in Florida. I will be interested to see where they follow him to next.

UPDATE

After Obama finished his prepared speech, he allowed his heckler from Uhuru to ask him a question, as he promised. The following video shows what was asked and Obama's response. I find it interesting that among the other problems that the questioner talks about being enacted against the black or African community, he includes Hurricane Katrina. I'm sure that AIDS and Jerry Springer are just ways for us to attempt to wipe out the black community as well.

Obama also went on to say during the town-hall meeting that he wanted to give all Americans a $1,000 check to cover the rising cost of fuel and pass the cost onto big oil companies in the form of increased taxes. Did he actually go to any of his Harvard Econ classes?! Gee, there is no way that little tax hike is going to be seen as a rise in price at the pump!

How to spend $1 million at a strip club

2008-08-01T10:03:00.003-04:00

I've had times in my life when I spent a few dollars at what can only be called a strip club. I have a good friend who makes her living in strip clubs. I have nothing against them.

But it seems that the good people of Lavonia, Georgia, do have problems with strip clubs. Cafe Risque is a series of strip club restaurants along the interstate in Georgia and Florida. Florida businessman Jerry Sullivan opened the clubs in 2001 but was taken to court by the city of Lavonia to get the club shut down. It never happened since Sullivan's lawyers successfully argued that nude dancing was a constitutionally protected form of expression.

What do you do as a town if you can't get a legally opened business shut down? If you are the city of Lavonia, you buy it!

Sullivan died in his sleep in 2006 and the city started negotiations to buy the club. Instead of spending money on something to improve the city, Lavonia bought Cafe Risque for $1 million! And what did they do with the property?

Lavonia's mayor got a standing ovation when he announced the deal at a meeting earlier this week. Crews took down the signs advertising it and burned them in a large bonfire at the strip club site, near a major highway.

That's right, there was a sign burnin' in Georgia! The city spent $1 million of taxpayer money in order to shut down a strip club. They have since passed an ordinance that outlaws adult entertainment in the city, but I would call spending that much money to put a business out of business severe government waste. If they were breaking the law, then shut them down legally.

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog

2008-07-30T13:21:00.001-04:00

Thanks to the magic that is MySpace, I am now able to post here the complete Dr. Horrible video! If you haven't seen it yet, watch and enjoy. If you have seen it, sing along with me...

The coming of Cheesus!

2008-07-30T06:37:00.003-04:00

Anybody who knows me... and Nicki and my Sgt. Major will back me up on this... knows that I am addicted to Cheetos. I hate real cheese, but give me the fake Cheetos any day.

And I always told them that Cheetos are holy, but now I proof.

Kelly Ramey of High Ridge, Mo., bought a bag at a local convenience store and promptly found the Cheeto (singular: Cheet?) pictured here. A Fox13 report says:

Kelly Ramey says, "I think I found Jesus on a Cheeto as funny as that sounds."

[...]

"I looked at that and I thought, 'Oh my that looks like Jesus on the cross.' It was just like wow," she says.

But not everybody was convinced.

Family and friends agree with her. Her daughter says, "I thought it was pretty cool." But Kelly Ramey's friend, Sue Edelman, sees something different. "I looked again and I thought a horse head."

At least they are keeping a sense of humor about it. Ramey's husband is even the one who has started calling it "Cheesus". Funny enough, no lightning hits yet.

Of course, her pastor won't say it's a religious icon, but wouldn't mind others seeing it that way.

The pastor of Kirkwood United Methodist Church does not see anything theologically special about the Cheeto, but thinks some good could come from it. Pastor David Bennett says, "If people can find Jesus, somehow, in each of us like she's found in this object, that would be a wonderful thing."

I have two ink pens here which, when one crosses the other, looks like the cross! Or two pens put together. But it looks like a cross! There must be some significance in that! I am eating cheese balls right now and I'm pretty sure they are the same shape as some of the stones used to bludgeon martyrs!

Okay, so we all see what we want to see in everyday objects; Cheetos, water-spots, wood-grain, etc. But if you came across one of these fancy religious icon objects, what would you do with it?

Kelly doesn't plan to sell the Cheeto and will keep it in a safe deposit box.

Nothing more to say...

Jerry's Cartoons of the Day

2008-07-30T06:23:00.006-04:00

I love my buddy Jerry. He has a great habit of sending me the best cartoons he finds so that I may share them with you, my four readers.

1. Pentagon Emergency Procedures

2. Universal Healthcare in Action

3. The truth behind UFO's

4. Why is it this one cartoon tells more truth than all of the news programs?