2012. Bring on the End of the World!

The movie 2012 is about the end of the world as we know it (now get that tune out of your head). The only problem is that the world did NOT end before this blight on humanity was released to the general public!

The wife and I decided, since I am on vacation, to take in a new movie. We have both loved John Cusack since he first showed up as a nerd in night vision goggles in the John Hughes classic Sixteen Candles, so we thought that even though 2012 would be a no-brainer, he would redeem it.

Little did we count on the soul-crushing power of writer/director Roland Emerick - the writer/director who brought us such gems as Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow, and 10,000 BC - to bring every known disaster-movie storyline ever produced to bear in this 2 1/2 hour waste of life.

The only redeeming factor in this film is the fun of being introduced to new characters and deciding, via past genre-watching experience, whether they will live or die and how.

*WARNING: Spoiler alert! Not that it will make any damn difference...*

I was also very happy to see an actor named Chiwetel Ejiofor get a shot at another action film after his fantastic turn as the Operative in Serenity. I had also loved him in Love Actually. This London actor has an impressive resume. Unfortunately, he was playing an American geologist in 2012 which tells me one of two things: either Ejiofor is better than any American African-American actor or no American African-American actor would come near this part with a ten-foot boom pole!

The actors used in bit parts were woefully under-utilized. Blu Mankuma and George Segal, playing old jazz musicians on a cruise ship, could have been heart-renderingly good, but instead end up being distractions. Even Woody Harrelson, who I am not a great fan of, needed to be in the movie more.

I did learn a few things from the film thanks to the amazing writing of one Roland Emerick:

1. A pirate AM radio station heard in Yellowstone National Park can also be heard in California! Obviously, once you have tuned in the station, it's tuned for life.

2. If you come upon gated government land, you may teach your young children to jump the fence and then wonder around inside an area which has been taped off warning you that the ground you are standing on is unstable and the only thing that will happen to you is that you will be sent back to your campground with a stern warning.

3. When the Earth's magnetic axis varies so much that the south pole is in the middle of Wisconsin, GPS satellites will still work perfectly! How handy is that? That's the future, baby!

4. When every land mass on Earth is uprooted and moved by 23%, Hawaii will remain exactly where it was.

5. Russian ex-military transport planes the size of a large building can be powered up and flying in less than 1 minute. Remember that the next time that a volcanic cloud is approaching your house.

6. Mother Nature HATES John Cusack and loves to tease him with near-death experiences. If you find yourself in the middle of a natural disaster and you are near John Cusack, simply stay with him. You will not die, but you will have a minimum of five near-death experiences in a vehicle of some sort (limo, RV, plane) in which the road will fall away into a mysteriously deep cavern behind you as your vehicle remains exactly 6 inches in front of the disintegrating roadway.

7. NEVER - EVER - be the "best friend", "guy who falls in love the ex-wife", or "hooker" if you are in a real-life disaster with John Cusack. You will die. Period.

8. Don't trust the government... ever. (This advice can be inserted into just about every movie out there)

9. If you have really big eyes and babble about things that could "never happen in a million years incoherently", they will happen and you will be a marter because you definitely could not live.

10. Always hang out with a pilot. They come in handy.

I will not go so far as to say that this is the worst movie I have ever seen, just the most disappointing. It's John Cusack, for god's sake. The wife and I found ourselves early in the film rooting for the natural disasters to wipe out humanity and were sorely disappointed when they didn't.

If this is the best that we have to look forward to coming out Hollywood, give me an Ed Wood collection and bring on the apocalypse. I'll be in the plane with Cusack.

Another piece of my teenage years is gone...

In the 1980's a man named John Hughes came along and gave us the movies that those of us who were teenagers during that time thought were about us.

In 1984, he gave us Sixteen Candles. In 1985, the year I graduated from high school, we got The Breakfast Club, my favorite of his films, as well as Weird Science. 1986 was a banner year with Pretty in Pink followed immediately by the classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off, a movie right up there with Breakfast Club. Then in 1987, we got Some Kind of Wonderful.

Anybody who grew up in the 80's and does not have at least three movie segments going through their head after reading those titles was not a teenager in the 80's in America.

John Hughes died today at the age of 59.

I think the greatest thing he did was give us memories. Movies which gave us something to talk to people about when we otherwise would not have talked to them.

I will never forget lines like Judd Nelson's unforgettable put-down to Anthony-Michael Hall when he called him a "neo-maxi-zoom-dweeby". Or Anthony-Michael Hall trying to score with Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, only to end up with her panties to show off to a paying crowd in the bathroom. Duckie's complete infatuation with Andie in Pretty in Pink or Ferris' soliloquies to the camera in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

For those of us who had traveled in the back of our parent's car across country to get to DisneyLand in the 70's, 1983's Vacation was like watching home movies of the trip... only funnier.

An irreplaceable piece of my teenage years is gone but he left behind a legacy.

I need to watch Breakfast Club now.

Prosperity has been Released! Everybody rejoice!

President Obama himself was in Elkhart, Ind., today giving a speech on... well, whatever it is that he is giving speeches on today. I believe it is a mixture of health care, freedom, economy, and walnuts mixed into a delicious batter.

Elkhart has been especially hit by the economic depression due to the fact that almost everybody in the town worked in or around an RV manufacturer and it shut down. (Pay close attention Detroit)

While in the land of fifth-wheels and 40-foot land yachts, Obama said that it is his job to "make sure that ordinary people have some relief" and he promised to "unleash prosperity for everybody, not just some."

Thanks to Obama, we now know what the problem has been... he has had prosperity tied up in the White House basement, not letting it loose until just the right moment! He will unleash prosperity, who hasn't eaten in weeks, and all of those whiny, self-centered bastards who have had the gall to ask him questions about his health-care plan will be eaten first, creating job vacancies for all of those out-of-work good folks who will then praise him and fall at his feet.

Prosperity can be a real bitch when she hasn't eaten.

But what about health care? Is that really part of our new prosperous future? Well, crank up the old rainbow machine and pay attention because you are about to get schooled... nicely as not to make anybody angry or cause our ratings to slip.

My wife sent me a lovely email that she got today from... wait for it... President Obama! That's right, the President took time out of meeting with the people of Elkhart in front of TV cameras, meeting with reporters in front of TV cameras, and actually meeting with the TV cameras themselves, to write a very personal and heartfelt letter to my wife! I couldn't be prouder.

"Angela --"

He calls her by her first name. They're tight. I would be very worried if this was coming from Bill Clinton.

"For one month, the fight for health insurance reform leaves the backrooms of Washington, D.C., and returns to communities across America. Throughout August, members of Congress are back home, where the hands they shake and the voices they hear will not belong to lobbyists, but to people like you."

So what I'm reading is that all deals in Washington are made in dimly-lit back-rooms (probably behind the big statue of Lincoln) and they only listen to the voices of lobbyists while in D.C. Good to know.

"Home is where we're strongest. We didn't win last year's election together at a committee hearing in D.C. We won it on the doorsteps and the phone lines, at the softball games and the town meetings, and in every part of this great country where people gather to talk about what matters most. And if you're willing to step up once again, that's exactly where we're going to win this historic campaign for the guaranteed, affordable health insurance that every American deserves.

There are those who profit from the status quo, or see this debate as a political game, and they will stop at nothing to block reform. They are filling the airwaves and the Internet with outrageous falsehoods to scare people into opposing change. And some people, not surprisingly, are getting pretty nervous. So we've got to get out there, fight lies with truth, and set the record straight."

I can almost hear the birds chirping and the old men whittling on the front porch. Funny, I don't profit at all from the "status quo" but I'm not in favor of government-run health care. Hmmmm. Could it be because I have seen what happens when people get lost in the VA health-care system, which is, uh, run by the government? And every debate that originates inside the beltway is political. That's the way the system works there no matter who you are.

So I read from this that anybody trying to "block reform" is an anti-American, communistic bastard who hates his (or her) mother and will stop at nothing to enslave the human race as we know it!

"That's why Organizing for America is putting together thousands of events this month where you can reach out to neighbors, show your support, and make certain your members of Congress know that you're counting on them to act.

But these canvasses, town halls, and gatherings only make a difference if you turn up to knock on doors, share your views, and show your support. So here's what I need from you:

Can you commit to join at least one event in your community this month? [Click Here] "

So remember, for the month of August, not everybody knocking on your door will be a Mormon. At least I know what they stand for. Needless to say, my wife is not going to be a big volunteer on this one... not that mindlessly knocking on doors will get you hurt or killed in Obama's America.

[Cue the patriotic music from Patton]

"In politics, there's a rule that says when you ask people to get involved, always tell them it'll be easy. Well, let's be honest here: Passing comprehensive health insurance reform will not be easy. Every President since Harry Truman has talked about it, and the most powerful and experienced lobbyists in Washington stand in the way.

But every day we don't act, Americans watch their premiums rise three times faster than wages, small businesses and families are pushed towards bankruptcy, and 14,000 people lose their coverage entirely. The cost of inaction is simply too much for the people of this nation to bear.

So yes, fixing this crisis will not be easy. Our opponents will attack us every day for daring to try. It will require time, and hard work, and there will be days when we don't know if we have anything more to give. But there comes a moment when we all have to choose between doing what's easy, and doing what's right.

This is one of those times. And moments like this are what this movement was built for. So, are you ready?"

My God, if I knew we were going to war, I would have backed him to begin with! Why is that all I can picture is Bluto Blutowski from Animal House talking about the Germans bombing Pearl Harbor and ending with "Who's with me?!"

Of course, those of us who are against his plan are only doing what's easy. Um, can somebody please tell what that is?

"Let's seize this moment and win this historic victory for our economy, our health and our families.

Thank you,

President Barack Obama"

Doesn't it just bring tears to your eyes? Mine are from laughing too hard.

From the "We elected that?!" Department

If you thought this little tiff between Henry Louis Gates, Harvard Professor and noted man who forgets his keys, and Cambridge, Mass., Police Sgt. James Crowley couldn't get any stupider (yes, I said stupider) than the President inviting them over for a beer, well, my friend, you have not met Massachusetts Congressman Richard E. Neal.

It seems that Richard, who is listed on his letter-head as Chairman of the Friends of Ireland among other important jobs such as At-Large whip, has a problem with the whole "let's get together for a few beers and talk" plan. No, he isn't distressed that with everything else happening in the world, the President is wasting his time on what is essentially a domestic dispute, he is upset at the choice of beers.

That's right, dear readers, Richard, or Dick to some, is upset because the beer that will be served is not good ol' American beer from his district. He even took the time to pen a letter about it and send it to Obama. (You can see the entire letter here)

Dear Mr. President,

I read with great interest of your meeting tomorrow with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, which some in the media have taken to calling the "Beer Summit". I'm certain that this casual diplomacy, where the summit participants will discuss current events over a beer, will be an unqualified success. Not knowing the preferences of those invited, I would like to suggest you serve a beer from the largest American-owned brewing company; that being Sam Adams.

You can almost hear the patriotic music start playing, can't you?

Richard goes on to tell the President how they both share a want to see American companies succeed while foreign-owned companies... such as the ones who own Budweiser and Miller now... should be trampled in the dirt and spit upon as soon as is humanly possible. All in the name of diplomacy.

Basically, Richard tells Obama that he would be un-American and personally causing the downfall of several thousand American jobs if he doesn't choose a beer made in HIS STATE! Damn it, can't you see?! It's the only way to keep us free!

Of course, there is the question of getting the beer from any smaller breweries, which Richard is trying to help via tax credits, to the White House. But in the final paragraph of this awe-inspiring letter, Richard takes care of that little problem, too.

As distribution is one of the biggest hurdles craft brewers must contend with, I stand ready if you need any assistance obtaining any of these high-quality Massachusetts-owned and brewed beers.

Would that, technically, be considered a bribe? And can't you just see a United States Congressman... one who may be making very important budget and judicial decisions very soon... standing by his beer hotline just waiting to deliver a cold one to the beer summit?

How much do these idiots get paid again?

80's Video of the Day

I have an interest in illusion or magic, if you will. I love doing little tricks that amaze children and make me look like I know what I'm doing. Nothing big... Copperfield has nothing to worry about from me.

I saw Penn and Teller for the first time in the 1980's and immediately gravitated toward their non-magic brand of illusion. It wasn't just that they showed you how a trick was done, but they let you in on the tricks completely without talking down to you.

I bought their book Penn and Teller's Cruel Tricks for Dear Friends (available at Amazon by clicking here) when it came out in the late 80's. It amazed me!

And then they actually made a video for it! Remember, for anybody who watches the video, it is funny! Hilarious, one might say.

Enjoy.


Watch Penn And Teller's Cruel Tricks For Dear Friends in Comedy  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

Alright, that's long enough

I promised I would be back. Yes, it's several months later, get off my back! I've been a bit busy.

Let's see...

Got married in January to Angela, the woman I've loved for 20 years. I am now happy and have the laziest dog in the universe and the stupidest cat...

I have officially moved back to Indiana and work at Muscatatuck Urban Training Center (MUTC). It's an amazing place in southern Indiana's Jennings County that is a mental facility opened in 1920.

I am still sitting around waiting for my change to come from the new administration, but at least my state has a budget surplus... for now.

Other than that, life goes on pretty much as normal. I have kept busy taking lots of photos (Nikon D2x and my trusty Canon Rebel Xt) and will start posting those soon. I will be co-hosting the morning show on WJCP radio tomorrow from 6 - 9 a.m. If you want to be completely mystified as to why they would give me a microphone, you can listen to it here.

Now, it's time to get back to writing!

Kungaloosh!

The Long Goodbye

Today marks the end of an era. I am headed back to the land that spawned me. No, not hell, as many of you would think... I'm going home to Indiana.

Today is my last day at the Pentagon. After five years working in the Electronic Imaging Section of the Office of the Chief of Army Public Affairs, it's time to head home.

There are people here I will never forget and friends I have made who will always be with me one way or another. I have done my fair share of pissing people off... and then some. Most are my own fault and for those I apologize.

But I can't express my sincere thanks enough to the people I have worked with here inside the beltway since coming to DC. My boss, Robert, is the best boss anybody could ever hope to have. I'll never have another friend like Nicki as long as I live. And my Sergeant Major is still what the Army needs more than anything.

Thank you to my three or four faithful readers (Ed, Gale, BobG, Jerry). I will get back to writing when I'm settled. (Yes, and send you your pictures, G)

I have railed here many times about the stagnation and over-building going on in government and inside the beltway and I have witnessed it first-hand... even in my own department at times. But I would go to war with most of the people I have met and worked with here.

It's been a privilege.

First step toward power taken by Obama

In his election night acceptance speech (excuse me, historic election night historic acceptance speech), Obama had this to say about working with his fellow Republicans across the isle:

"I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead."

"Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long."

Pretty words. He's going to bring everybody together as one... rebuild our failing country... pay for your gas and mortgage.

And now it's time for President-elect Obama to chose those who will help him bring us together. It's always best to get your Chief-of-Staff in place because he or she will set the tone for the office, chose the underlings who will carry the water for the President. So in order to show unity, Obama choses... Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel?!

Rep. Emanuel is not only one of the most partison hacks in the House, he's a close friend to Nancy Pelosi... her number 2, you might say. Emanuel was a political and policy aide for Bill Clinton, becoming an investment banker in Chicago... and we all know how nice investment bankers are now.

Six years ago, he won his House seat in Chicago and went on to become one of the major power brokers in the Democratic bid to take over Congress two years ago. He is described as being as devisive as they come. What a shock he was picked.

The rumor mill still swirls with talk of Indiana Republican Senator Richard "Dick" Lugar... a GREAT German porn name... being named Secretary of State... unless, of course, you believe the rumors which say that John Kerry is pimping himself for that job. Couldn't you just imagine being a foriegn dignatary with Kerry at SecState? Talk about a comedy of errors!

Will he also allow Robert Gates to stay on as the Secretary of Defense? There are still too many unanswered questions, but he's not starting out endearing himself to me. And I'm sure he loses many nights of sleep because of it.

The age of enlightenment has begun

Obama is now the President-elect. As we've been told by every news outlet on the face of the planet several million times in the past 24 hours, this is history in the making and we're all just privileged enough to be living in the same time as Obama.

After a combined $1 billion spent and over 20 months of campaigning, it is finally, mercifully over. Pour over the front pages of papers all over the world and you will see large images of Obama, who will forever more be MUCH larger than life. Articles all over exhort the change which has taken place even though he's not in office yet.

Okay, he's won. No big surprise to anybody there. Now it's up to all of us to make the best of it. If he ends up pulling the same crap as every other President we've had for the past 20 years, what he promised during the campaign is now out the door. Reality will set in before he even sits his butt in the chair.

I would like to humbly write an open letter to the new President-elect:

Dear Sir-

Congratulations on your hard-paid for victory. I believe that the amount of money you spent comes out to about $10 per vote. Be that as it may, I do have a few requests of you:

1. Do not create any new government entities. Your predecessor grew the size of government until Washington DC is bursting at the seams. We have much more than enough layers of bureaucracy. Don't add to it.

2. Don't do the "fist bump" with major world leaders unless they appear to want to do it first. Major wars have started over less.

3. Please practice saying the word "nuclear" in the mirror.

4. Now that the Democrats have a majority, literally, everywhere, you will be tempted to pass legislation just because you can unhindered for the first time. Don't fall to the temptation. When the "Fairness Doctorine" comes up to your desk, do the right thing. Shredders are very cheap at Wal-Mart and I would even buy one for you.

5. Most importantly, don't screw the Soldiers! You know it's crap when you say that we will be out of Iraq soon. If nothing else, I beg you not to use the Soldiers as political tools. We're sick of it.

Thank you very much.

I know he'll never see it and I know it would mean less than nothing if he did, but I got it off my back. Obama has a LOT to live up to now. Just watch this video and see what is expected of him:



Yes, Obama is going to pay for her gas and mortgage. That's not thinking about change, that's looking for a handout.

A fun story on your election day

On this day where we are deciding who we are going to complain endlessly about for the next four years, it's nice to see a good news story... so here it is from the Associated Press.

Ken Mink is a 73-year old student at Roane State Community College in Tennessee and he is a member of the basketball team. Last night, he was able to score in his first college game in 52 years.

Mink entered the game with about 16 minutes left in the second half and attempted one shot in about three minutes. Seven minutes later, he went back in the game, was fouled and made two free throws.
"I found myself on the free-throw line 52 years after my last college game," Mink said. "I said, 'Just relax and shoot it like you know how to all day long.' I just floated the shots in there. I'm in the books now. I can relax a little bit."

Mink, of Knoxville, last played college basketball 52 years ago at Lees College in Jackson, Ky. After someone soaped the basketball coach's office, he lost his spot on the team and was expelled. Mink still says he didn't do it.

If that doesn't put a smile on your face and make you feel as if old age won't kill you, then nothing will.